Letters to the Editor
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is mom a "legal accomodation"?
If she is, then the LW has a legal right to know at least a little more than "she's a little sick."
If she isn't then saying "she's sick" isn't relevent.
I agree, there isn't a legal right to pry into someone's personal life. But, if someone needs to violate their terms of their lease to accomodate their illness, then an explanation (in part or in whole) seems less like prying. No?
A doctor's note doesn't have to disclose diagnosis, treatment or mediocation. It could bne as simple as "We recommend X's mom help her transition into her new home." or "X needs support at night from a trusted family member." or "While she recovers from her illness/injury/surgery/recent experience ..." And then there's a paper trail that protects both lessee and lessor. And if it's a con ... it's easy to prove they were attempting to deceive.
In my experience, people are willing to help when they feel they're being treated fairly. They are much less willing when they feel they're being conned.
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This is not decent roommate behavior.
No, this isn't what you sign up for by having a roommate. Not even by agreeing to a subleaser. Considerate adult roommates consult on terms of habitation. They give notification of guests, and ask for clearance for long-term guests.
Strange but true!
You DO NOT put yourself at the mercy of everyone else's needs/eccentricities/abuse by signing up for a roommate or subletter. Sure, you sign up for the eccentricities, annoying habits, and personal drama of THE person you agree to live with.
Sure, there are reasonable times to suck it up and deal, but when the understood and agreed-to terms of a sublease have been violated, you've been deceived and have people assuming a right to live in your home who you didn't agree to live with....is not one of them.
Try to look at it this way: By adhering to my above-stated paranoid and unreasonable expectation, what could go wrong? On the other hand, by sucking it up, just being nice, losing the paranoia, being gracious, being polite, not making waves, etc., what could go wrong?
LW, it's people who want to abuse you and take advantage of you who tell you to ignore your instincts and just go along.
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its a Summer Sublet!
A Temporary sublet is for someone who wants to visit somewhere for a while, or someone who is looking for a permanent place, or for a person "on the road"... it is not an apropriate situation for someone who will need their mother to live with them for whatever reason. that is why the LW feels it is weird and creepy, because, it is... People just don't do that, would you? I am not suggesting that people need to be "normal" i am sure not, but when dealing with other people in something as important as housing, if it doesn't pass the "is this how a normal, well adjusted person in this society does things" test, in my experience, 9 times out of 10 there is something that may give you lots of trouble, and crap for a long time to come.
Questions to ask a person who wants to temporarily sublet in your place:
1. why did you leave your last home?
2. where was your last home
3. what do you plan to do when the sublet is up?
4. where do you get your money (work? parents? scam strangers?)
5. How is your credit?
6. Anything i should know about? illnesses? mentally ill mother? Ex boyfriend stalking you?
7. Where do your parents live? (if they are under 25) Who is an emergency contact?
8. What is your Story? why do you want to sublet a room here?
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Unexpected mother roommate
Something like this happened to me... an acquaintance of my landlord (who is a good friend of mine) rented a room to this woman who needed a room for her last semester of art school. She moved in and her mom was there all the time. They thought the place was filthy (it was dusty maybe but not filthy) and proceeded to completely clean and re-organize the kitchen. They spent hours in the kitchen. They slept in the same bed at night, even though our couches were very comfortable and could easily accomodate a person. The dad had Parkinson's disease but I never saw him. The woman was like youngest of 8 kids so I think some kind of mother/daughter emeshment was going on. The mom spent maybe 3 days a week at our place. Eventually things started to go wrong in the apartment, like the stove ignition would go off, and the sink backed up and was very difficult to fix. Then the mom had a stroke in our living room. Eventually I moved out to live closer to work. I am convinced that they had such a bad energy field that it caused the kitchen to malfunction!
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FireFly82 is right on!
>>>LW, it's people who want to abuse you and take advantage of you who tell you to ignore your instincts and just go along.
I totally agree. everyone here who tells you to be polite, and suck it up, sounds like everybody My friends and i have ever had to kick out of an apartment, and there have been a few.
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consider also, doing nothing ... let me explain ..
Tom Friedman wrote a column a few days ago in which he mentioned an incident several years ago where, having approached an airport cashier to pay for some magazines, he was accused by a woman who swept in of "cutting the line" (there was no line, he was certain) ...
He said that THEN he held his ground but that he was unlikely -- in this age of cell phones and MySpace and bloggers -- to ever do so again. It simply was not worth risking being haunted by trivial incidents/annoyances ... (he went on to say that he worried about the negative effects of such cautiousness ... etc.)
There's no such thing as a free lunch." and rarely a Perfect sublet. (If co-housing were easy, it would be the norm most single people, young and old, for instance.)
So -- When I'm all bent out of shape, as you are, I always think it's useful to get in touch with my "fantesy" of how this was "supposed" to work ... for you, also how you thought life with this sublet/any sublet for the summer was going to work. What if, instead, she was a wildly popular party girl or a pathetic sniveling "lonely girl" anxious to tag along ... sharing a living space is difficult and ... while MOM represent an "unusual" situation ... it's always something.
My guess is that there is no written sublet agreement (or it would have been mentioned) and if there is, it's not specific about the relevant specificities.
I hope there is not already too much "bad feelings" --- LW says that she explained to them that and why having a third person :
and that apparently did not "move" them ... either because they don't care about "your feelings" or possibly they don't recognize your authority ...
It would be good to know what they were told by your absent roommate ... In the absence of a contract, if your absent room mate verbally assured them it would be fine if MOM helped daughter "settle in" or even used the house as an occasional pied a terre, you may be on the wrong end of this.
Consider doing nothing. Consider ignoring them. Living with them as temporary strangers. Not what you planned, certainly ... but how much upset, anxiety and complication is it worth to you? Next time, you'll have a written agreement ... next time, it will be spelled out.
Right now, I think you should go away for the weekend (would it really be that different if MOM was back home? after all, you'd still be turning over your home to a stranger ... (yes all 3 rooms should have door locks and secured storage ... even if you adored this new sublet, you'd still be wise to secure your valuable/personal items against visitors or party goers)
If your sublet is a friend of one of your regular room mates or if she's going to be traveling in the same social circles in the future (or "powerful" circles), treating her (and MOM) might come back to haunt you.
Many time being "right" is not all that it's cracked up to be ... and the fall-out from pressing the issue can make the initial "problem" seem trivial.
(fwiw, it may be the MOM's ministrations are hotly resented by your sublet who feel unable/unwilling to stand up to MOM. If such a mom becomes convinced she MUST dig in her heels, well, god help you.)