Letters to the Editor
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Foreigners
The 'foreign cultures' argument is patently bullshit. I myself dated a Peruvian woman for 5 years. When her parents or sisters visited, they acquired housing of their own, and, no, they weren;t especially wealthy. Yet now I date a yankee and her friends and sister visit and stay with impunity. In the case of the former, the visitors were probably LESS likely to presume they could just take over the place and were occasionally frustratingly polite -- If you want some cheese just take it!
I'm not saying one was or another is better, and these are just an anecdotes, but, seriously..... mothing to do with culture.
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Immediate Action Required
Take Cary's excellent advice, but don't do it alone. You haven't disclosed your age, but given the circumstance, it wouldn't be at all out of line to have your parent's, a close relative, or friend, come stay for the weekend to help you see this through. Please let us know how it all works out. Good luck!
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Never met a gut instinct I didn't like...
I'm with Cary and the other posters here who have pointed out LW's own unease with these people. To me, it doesn't matter if they've been there an hour or a year; if you're thinking about canceling your plans just to stay home and guard the castle, then at least at a gut level you're just not buying their act.
Please don't be scared of not being nice, or of being thought rude, or of not being understanding enough, or even of not being a Good Person. These are powerful feelings but irrelevant in this situation. In fact, I would point out to you that a "nice" victim is what every con artist is looking for, and if these people are making you feel rude or unreasonable for speaking up, then con artists are indeed what you are dealing with.
A couple practical suggestions: First, you need to get in touch with your subletting roommate(s) as quickly as possible and let them know what's going on, as well as to get any additional information about the arrangement that you can. But remember -- and this is important -- YOU are the one having to live with this. If all you get from the roommate(s) is pressure to put up with it, then I say do what you need to do to feel safe and protect your home. Also, if your own status in the apartment is legal (your name is on the lease) don't be afraid to get your landlord involved if you need to, or the cops. You can always go down to the police station and just talk to them about the situation and get their advice; it doesn't have to reach a crisis before they can help.
Secondly -- and I strongly suggest this -- it only takes 20 minutes, $20 and a screwdriver to change a bedroom doorknob out for one that needs a key to open. (If you're handy with a drill, you can put in a deadbolt in under an hour.) Keep the old one so that when you move out you can change it back. Best time to do it is when they are not there, but if you have to do it when they are about, I think you could still manage. I'm betting there's a Home Depot or Lowe's or Ace Hardware somewhere close, and it really is an easy swap: doorknobs are standard, and the new one will fit right in where the old one is now, as long as it's not 100 years old. There's maybe 3 screws involved and instructions come with the new doorknob. Easy, easy, easy. If you do this, then you can lock your things up when you're not there, plus have added security when you sleep at night. Either way, it's a great investment.
Dear LW, I wish you all the best. Don't be scared, and do what you need to do. Take care --
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Don't be scared
of a little ole lady? Good god. LW agreed to a subletter. If he didn't want a stranger in the apartment, he should not have agreed to a subletter. The conspiracy theories here are outlandish! It's an awkward situation. Get over it, put up with it and go on with life. It's not the takeover of an alien species! An emergency temporary situation necisitates an awkward situation for a few weeks. Bad news, but the sky is NOT falling! This is life, folks. Situations come up, we deal with them. Sometimes, we're even understnading and helpful. God have mercy on the Gen xers and yers, you're the most selfish cohort I've ever observed. Thank god I don't have to depend on any of you for understanding or help.
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Two things
1. Cary needs to get over his mother issues, pronto.
2. People who insist that no illness could be a problem at night but not in the daytime need to do some research. I know of one off the top of my head: sleep apnea. My ex-husband had it and refused to have it treated. It was hardly fatal, but it was frightening for me because he would stop breathing several times over the course of a night. Never during the day, just at night, which was why he didn't think it was a problem.
The girl may have lung or heart problems that interfere with her breathing, something she can cope with during the day but not when she's unconscious. She may have PTSD following recent trauma, which would mean waking up with nightmares or night terrors. She may be on medication that causes problems with breathing. Again, this is just off the top of my head. There are other possibilities, too.
As to why the mother isn't saying, as someone who lives with chronic illness, I can understand exactly why. I even consider it a no-brainer, especially if it's PTSD. If it's something the girl will get over with a little bit of time, it would make sense not to tell so that she doesn't have to live with the stigma while she lives in that house. She was ill for a little while, but now she's fine. That's all anyone needs to know.
The problem is that if it keeps lingering, then she has to live with the stigma of being a Mommy's girl.
Here's a suggestion. Offer to help. "Is there something I can do?" can often sort the con artists out, because either they'll back off or their demands will get unreasonable.
As far as gut feelings go, I've found that mine are often right but for the wrong reason. The LW may be uneasy about strangers in the house, period, even if they're officially subletting. She may be uneasy about having a sick person in the house for fear of contagion. She may have Cary's issues with mothers, but would have no problem with a boyfriend.
Anyway, Cary needs to get help for those mother issues! That was just silly.