Letters to the Editor
-
Status clarification?
I don't know anything about the field, but I do know how unwise it can be to follow someone who has an inflexible career commitment. So here are the questions that I would be asking:
1. How long is the post doc commitment? If it's two years or less, I wouldn't give it up for a less desirable position. Those are both big cities that are well-served by airports, etc. You can keep a relationship going long distance for that amount of time if you are both as committed as it sounds like you think you are.
2. You give up things commensurate with the expected return. What are her thoughts are about your plan, even assuming that what she says can be trusted (trust me, a lot can change when the setting changes)? She might prefer that you not give up so much for her, at least not in the short run. She values her career -- she might place more value on yours than you do, and it might be independently important to her that you achieve your goals.
She just moved to a new area and could be meeting lots of new people and having a blast, or be working herself to death. After a bit of time, she is going to know whether absence made her heart grow fonder, or not. But it's an awful lot for you to risk without more of an express commitment from her.
You are truly special to be so willing to make room for your girlfriend's career. Just make sure you and she are both looking out for you as well.
-
Toronto
Take the job. To echo many points made above:
1. She is very young - she will likely change, and you may not be as happy in the relationship a few years down the road.
2. You will not be as good a boyfriend if you are not happy in your career. Your unhappiness will in turn make her unhappy, and even if this dynamic does not break you up, the the relationship will spiral into mediocrity or worse.
3. If it is really true love, the long-distance thing will work out. If it is true love, a few years is no big deal.
4. As a scientist, you should appreciate truth, so here it is. Love is overrated and almost always fades with time. There, I said it. I will not bore you with details, but my (now) wife and I were head over heels a mere 10 years ago, both of us VERY idealistic, sappy romantics in our late 20's. Ten years later, no one has treated each other badly, life has gone well for us and we try to "work" on the relationship (what does that verb tell you?). But both of us are kind of "eh" about the relationship. I am still trying to figure out what happened, and all I really think is just that pop culture builds love up into this ridiculous, impossible fantasy that can never be realized, which leads to disappointment. I am really sad to tell you this, but it is true. Just you wait, you will see. Dammit.
-
Facts illuminate; emotions obfuscate. BOTH ARE IMPORTANT
and both have difficulties - with insuring they are in fact facts and not speculations, and in discerning what is real and unreal (not real?).
Re-stating apparent facts which seem important to me from the problem and some of the letters:
1. The Toronto post-doc is a very good to ideal opportunity.
2. Post-docs by their nature are temporary
3. People in there twenties are young and more adaptable to change
4. Finding the "right" life partner is a difficult and error-prone process for most people
5. Her mother's experience is a big factor for your friend, a factor that you had no bearing on
6. Two-body problems stress relationships, not necessarily for the worse
7. Committed couples can resolve issues of separation given time and patience
8. Finding your life's work is a difficult and error-prone process as well
9. Finding your life's work and finding a life partner can be equally worthwhile; either one without the other can be very difficult.
All of the above suggests a solution to me, but may not to you. Or I may have gotten the FACTS wrong, OR confused them with emotions. It's your decision. In the previous sentence, your is singular! You alone have to make the decision, as she apparently did in deciding to go to Berkley (there is no evidence to the contrary in your description of the delima). Her reaction to your thinking and decision-making process, and to this thread, can inform your decision, but not make it. You have to do that.
-
She's not worth it. And you aren't reponsible for her mom's choices.
Such utter codswallop. Her career somehow takes priority because of what her mom decided when it was the economically advantageous decision for her? Please.
Most marriages, let alone unmarried relationships, end in divorce. And postdocs are temporary, anyway. So take the best postdoc you can and have a long-distance relationship if necessary. I'd give he same advice to her in choosing a graduate school.
This is a crucial time for you to get started on the right foot and you will have many more options about where to live and much more flexibility to follow her in the future if you make the right career moves now. Otherwise you risk being a second-rater with fewer options.
-
Definitely take the Job
Relationships need to meet the needs of both parties and you going to San Francisco isn't meeting your needs. Plus, she's intensely young, right? You need to establish your career and, as you've said, the job is an incredibly good fit for you and your specific interests. There are not many people in the world who can honestly say they love their work. If you're one of the lucky ones - don't - for god's sake - don't give that up for something that might not be.
I would hazard that, should you give it up for the girl, there will be more than resentment. It could spell the end of the two you. And then you'll be jobless, heart broken, in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Not that Toronto is cheap, mind, but at least there's healthcare.
Go to Toronto and love your work. Fall in love with a magnificent city. Spend some hours on a plane commuting to and from the girl. Focus on you and your career in the downtime while she focuses on her and her career. When she's out of school she'll have a better idea of what she wants long-range, and when your fellowship is up, you'll hopefully have had ample time for reflection on what it is you want long-range. I think distance is one of the best tests for a relationship.
The overarching point is that she's still in school and you're in a post-doc program. Neither of these things is permanent. So don't give up a fantastic opportunity until you know what the permanent future is. Make your relationship flexible because if it can't be, it's not going to last the distance.
--CS