Letters to the Editor
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Stay away from Toronto!
I think Cary's advice is great, and all the reader responses he chose are so reasonable... Here is is a gut reaction: don't go to Toronto! I know Toronto well. It has it's good points. But it is ugly. The winter is dismal. There is a pervasive feeling of inferioriy among the inhabitants; a giant chip on the shoulder. Why? Because it is Toronto. Not New York, not Montreal.
A few months ago I left a love in California to come back to Toronto. Partly it was work, partly it was family crisis: it perfect sense for me to come here. I thought, if the love is true then it will wait an indefinite while for me -- this was not a permanent move. Well, it didn't. It was immature, unsure, and it defected to another girl, a nice girl, but one whose chief advantage over me is that she's there and I am not. I'd like to think that this means it was not worth my attention in the first place, but I don't think that's true. Some immature, insecure people are still wonderful and worth the extra effort. Sounds like your girl might be one of those.
Still, with all the effort, it might not work out with you and the girl. Only one thing is certain: if you come to Toronto, during the long, long winter you will have many unhappy days.
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My two cents
Take the Toronto position. I agree with another poster, who said that a mature person will be able to see this as a stepping stone, not an obstacle. You have described her as insecure and immature at times, and going to Berkeley alone may be an excellent "maturer", after which the two of you, if you are still so inclined, can reassess where you stand with each other. At least then you could make those decisions as two mature people instead of there even being the possibility that you are following her as a way of deferring to her insecurity (or whatever term you may feel is more appropriate). Take the job, make your contacts, see how you feel away from her; with the understanding that this will be a temporary position, nothing says you can't move later. And nothing says you can't maintain contact while you're apart. My belief is that one way to find out if you can live without her is to try; then you never have to wonder about whether she, as you said, acted as the catalyst for a major decision that you regret.
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LW, don't let the unfounded assumptions get you down!
With regard to the LW's big questions:
1)No, there's no way for you to know it's true love -- but just dumping her (which could be what your father wants you to do, using the excuse of 'distance') won't get you any closer to the answer, and it may haunt you many years later.
2) Go to Toronto, do the LD thing.
As for some of the other underlying themes in the reader responses....
Several posters think that you are not *that* much in love with the girl because you have described her as sometimes giving you "two barrels full of insecure, immature little girl." I disagree that this means you're not that much in love with her.
Being in love with someone should include being able to love and accept her precisely because you do see her clearly, with all her good and bad points. There is nothing in what you say that suggests that you hold these 'bad points' against her. Even more importantly, you say that you've both worked through a lot of that, which is encouraging.
Others think that because of her (relatively) young age, she's just using you as a starter boyfriend. They're being harsh without grounds. There is nothing in the text of your letter to back up the idea that she wants to try out some other guys. You are clearly in some distress and you don't deserve these cruel insinuations.
As for whether this young woman could possibly be serious about a deeper relationship with you---- again, there's really insufficient data about her, the individual, not young people as a large statistical sample, to decide.
Yes, youthful relationships or relationships where one person is much younger than the other, are likely to break up, and people getting married really young are at a higher risk for divorce. However, those are averages and percentages, and I hope that we readers remember that we're looking at two *individuals* here.
We really don't know enough about your gf to guess the chances of this relationship continuing successfully. Heck, even if we did know everything about you both, our predictions could still be way off.
People who are older than you and your gf can break up for a myriad of reasons; and people of all ages stay together for all sorts of reasons.
I find it really condescending for some readers to assume that someone will not know his or her own mind, just because of (relative) youth. Some people know what they want at a very early age--- others take their whole lives and never figure it out. So much presumption runs counter to the spirit of scientific inquiry, ne? ;-)
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Career advice - a little love advice
Many people have said that you don't know about love. I have a different perspective - you also don't know about career development. I have worked in MS for 8 years - including in the R and D department of a major instrument manufacturer where I was intimately involved with the design and development of a major new MS. I did not seriously consider postdocing as I had multiple job offers from MS companies. No Berkeley - just the right supervisor and the right project. Given the number of companies in the Bay area you should be able to find a job there. If you can't - there is something wrong with your CV - find out what it is BEFORE you take the Toronto job. Open the ASMS member book - find the people who have the job you want (you should know them from conferences) and ask them for their background and their recommendations of where you should postdoc (I did this as a student, I've had students call me). Don't be shy - find the MS people in the departments where you have applied (NOT HR) and ask where the problem lies. Look at the hiring record of the Toronto company - where do they hire from? From the Toronto lab? Can you get a suboptimal job in a SF company where you can make an impression and move to the dream job (once in the door - in this industry where real expertise is hard to come by - this happens frequently). Can you get an industrial postdoc? With the Toronto company? Don't rely too much on your supervisor unless he has real pull with industry contact (i.e., industry experience or IP which has been bought) - many industry people look down on the Ivory Tower.
Love advice - if you know life will be better off shared with the girl - that is what marriage is for. Make up an atheist ceremony and do it - the commitment will require you both sacrifice a bit on your career (she could be co-supervised by someone in TO for 2 years) - but in time you will also realize the career is less important than the love. If you are not sure - postdoc, the separation will help you know.