Letters to the Editor
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What straight men say to each other.
No, straight men do not tell each other they have pretty eyes, unless they are joking. Nor do they say things to each other like "Tiger Woods has pretty eyes and shapely buttocks, don't you think, Maurice?"
Not unless it is a very slow day at the office.
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Pretty eyes?
A straight guy would never say this to another straight guy. Moreover, a straight guy would almost certainly never say this to a gay guy unless he was trying to mess with his head in a twisted, power trip sort of way. Either he is indeed gay or he's trying to fuck with you (alas, not literally). Your call.
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Naughty little colleague
Cary is awfully polite. I can just hear Dan Savage tossing off an irritated "the jerk's a cocktease." He's probably enjoying the attention he gets dropping little bombs and then backing off.
But I'd say the fact that you work together is enough reason to leave this alone, anyway.
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As a gay man (and admittedly speaking as only one man, others may respond differently)...
Yes, I've had straight men flirt with me (instigate the flirting, I should specify). Flirt with no intention of taking things any further. I also know guys on various points of the gay/straight spectrum who flirt, and even kiss, and that can mean one of several things. It really depends on the guy.
There are clearly two questions here: is my co-worker gay? Is he flirting with me? The assumption is that the answer to Question One will help answer Question Two. Fact is we live in a complicated world. A world that includes bisexual men, polyamororous men who to an extent might be interested in another man, but only in limited ways, straight men who get a kick out of flirting with gay men, plain old-fashioned straight men who never do any of this, and plain old-fashioned gay men, who may or may not be into a given man they encounter.
Personally, I'd write off trying to define this guy. You not only don't have the info, he appears to be consciously withholding it, and constantly shifting the impression he gives, to produce different and mutually contradictory responses. Furthermore, I'd say write off whatever signal he's trying to give you because he sounds like he's playing games. Phenomenally handsome man who just happens to choose to work at an AIDS care facility? Where men undoubtably will drool over him? And he does not respond? Sounds questionable. Out of nowhere compliments you in a way that cannot be written off as "I just like to give a compliment when I notice something"? But then insists he's just "comfortable" saying that? Sounds questionable. Let's face it, nothing about the guy sounds generous or kind. That's the sort of person you're dealing with.
Even if he's a gay man. Even if he wants in your pants, and he means NOW. Don't do it. This sounds like a major narcissistic personality. That will not lead to anything fulfilling, even in the arena of one-night-stands.
Stay away. Stay very far away.
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Shut down the thread
Christopher1988 nailed. Move along, nothing more to see here.
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I'm with Christopher
The guy sounds like bad news.
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Cary did a funny
Cary's the best!! "And then therre are the professional exceptions---when opthamalogists and urologists get together, anything goes." Priceless! I haven't chortled like that for a good many months!! Also, the Tower to Object conversation was quite amusing, too. Keep up the yucks, Cary!
No real opinion on the letter---the handsome man does sound like a tease. I hope LW is careful.
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"Same Difference" for Heteros
Cary's advice is good (and funny, for once!)
If LW were my friend (I'm a hetero female), I'd tell him what I'd tell any other friend, regardless of orientation: If you really like this job, don't even go there. It will only add unnecessary drama to your life, and may even cost you your job in the future.
In addition, Mr. Flirty does sound like he can be trouble. If a man at my workplace told me I have pretty eyes (and, I don't mind telling you, I do), I might be very superficially flattered, but my gut reaction would be "uh-oh." I happen to be unavailable, but, even so, I've been around long enough to know first-hand that workplace dating is--usually--a REALLY BAD IDEA.
LW sounds like a nice guy. But he sure makes gay guys sound like nothing but narcissistic and superficial, all that body-and-face-to-die-for stuff. Wouldn't he like a nice, mutual relationship with someone interesting and sincere, and openly reciprocal regarding attracton? Aren't there are other venues where he can meet such nice guys?
I might be missing here a whole 'nuther "universe" regarding gay relationships. But I'm figuring that lotsa gay people want what lotsa heteros do--a gratifying, respectful, affectionate relationship with a true, trusted companion.
LW, don't fall for head games by Mr. Flirty and Company. Think about what you really want and deserve. Think about ways to go about obtaining that.
Rather than being flattered, set yourself up to be liked, admired, loved. That's usually a process--rarely does it begin with a "spark" of romance, which can flame out all too quickly, leaving one despondent and regretful.
Seek out real friendships, and see what blossoms from there.
Good luck!
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Right.
Yes. All straight men say this set of things, and all black people say this set of things, and all women say this set of things...
Come on, now, folks. I've known plenty of straight men who compliment each other freely. But hey, I'm young, and it's a changing world...
As with ANYthing, it's how he says it. You've got to trust your gut.
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Yeah, over the line
I'm a straight guy that people often assume is gay. I don't really do anything to counter this assumption and generally try to leave my sexuality ambiguous. I would never lie about it, but I admit that I do think it's kinda funny to keep people guessing, because I know for a fact people have discussed it behind my back before. So I am like this guy in a lot of ways, it sounds like (except I think I'm pretty attractive, but not in this guy's league either).
ANYWAY, I flirt with everyone, from the 60-year-old woman at the front desk to the flaming guy in IT. But "you have nice eyes"? That's really over the top. The dude is fucking with you on some weird power trip. I mean, seriously, who says that shit AT WORK? To a woman or a man, I'm sorry, but that's pillow talk. He's ego-tripping and messing with your head. I even have dated people at work, as long as I don't work too closely with them, but I would never, ever go about it that way.