Hello,

My name is Sue I am a 61year old living in Spain. I took piano lessons from the age of 11 in classical music. My father was my inspiration. I passed 6 exams at the London College of Music, I used to play in concerts and I loved being able to play. I practiced for 4 hours a day and became very good.

My father died when I was 18 so my inspiration had gone.

I don't own a piano now and I haven't played for over 40 years.

That is my biggest regret because I know that if I did try to play I would need six months of solid practice just to re-learn what I have forgotten.

Don't give it up - take it from someone who knows..

Good luck,

Sue

I only read the Editor's Choice letters in response to this advice column, and had no idea of what others had been saying. Most of them are full of generalizations about "kids today" and "parents today." Good God I hope you come back to this site and read my letter! This is about your daughter, and her music, not about a General Child or General Education.

Nor is it about what is most convenient for music teachers. When I was young, most of them were borderline incompetent, or worse. It is nearly impossible to learn any instrument with a poor teacher, and many a budding career has been ruined by one. I had assumed that things had changed. They may not have.

It breaks my heart to read this. I'll spare you the details of my story, and focus on your daughter. Find out why she doesn't want to play. I have a feeling she hasn't told you the real reason. You do need to stop arguing, and pushing, and pulling -- the tug-of-war needs to stop. That doesn't necessarily mean the end of music lessons. I truly doubt that that is what is needed.

Does she have the wrong teacher? Is she playing the wrong music? Is there someone at school who is better than her, and she feels disheartened by the comparison? Has someone teased her or treated her contemptuously for her playing? Is there some other instrument she is longing to play, and is afraid to tell you, because she will feel like she's too demanding and grasping, and that she may not be successful at the new instrument either, and so is afraid even to try?

Something is wrong, somewhere. Don't just have her quit. Please, please step back from the struggle and find out why she feels the way she does.

I can give you a few practical tips. The easier classical music is often too babyish for a teenager. Does her teacher give her Bach and Bartok? Has she tried the last few pieces in Bartok's Pieces for Children, Book II? How about contemporary composers? Have you taken a critical look at her repertoire? Is she forbidden to play popular tunes or jazz? Does her teacher have a studio system? According to best practices, students should have individual lessons every week, and a studio session at least once every other month where a congenial group of students WHO ARE AT THE SAME LEVEL all play and compare notes. Do you have friends who are good pianists? You have to talk to people who are -- they will be better able to analyze the situation objectively. Have you ever heard of the book, The Perfect Wrong Note? Pick up a copy from the library and read that. It will explain a lot about what is going on, and about what you can expect if she does persevere. Does your daughter have a good library of CDs of the great pianists, like Sandor's recordings of Bartok or Nikolaeva's recordings of Bach? How about Thelonious Monk, McCoy Tyner, Les McCann? She may need something like that to spark her enthusiasm.

If there is some kid at school who is a little bit better than your daughter and won't let her forget it, she may be too ashamed to tell you. Not a bad sign, she has artistic pride. Get her to tell you the truth. I can promise you, whoever that kid is, they are simply a show-off and their interest in music is insincere. In ten years, they will NOT be playing. (Trust me on this one.)

If she needs a different instrument, be sure to get that information out of her. That may be the solution. Another possibility, albeit a risky one, is to give her a break from lessons while you figure out what she needs. If you do that, make sure it is understood that this is only a break, for purposes of regrouping.

Most people who play, and this even includes the very best, have gone through lulls. Even the Dalai Lama has said that he hated meditating until he was about 15 years old, and then he loved it. Even Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. Perspective, perspective!

Quitting piano, and not replacing it, should be a last resort. I truly hope that it doesn't happen at all. I don't think it needs to. Something else is the real problem here. And you are so right, if she quits right before a breakthough she will regret it her whole life.

I can tell you that when a student is forced to attend lessons, it is a frustrating situation for all involved. A music teacher's first job should be to instill an enjoyment of music - and if you're a parent who insists that your child continue lessons, that's your job, too.

Change teachers. Interview lots of piano teachers, take lessons with each one, and let your daughter decide which is the best fit.

And if she still hates it, let her quit! Students who just really don't want to be in lessons anymore don't learn anything by being forced to spend an hour a week in the teacher's studio.

Also, even vocal majors in the top conservatories (I know because I recently finished grad school from one), aren't advanced pianists. They take a proficiency test and possibly one or two years of piano class or lessons. They need to be able to find pitches quickly and play basic accompaniment.

Associating music with misery is the worst thing you can do, and she won't thank you for it later.