Letters to the Editor
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Is this all about the parents' dreams?
Admittedly, this is a different world from my own, but it seems there has been, and is, a lot being pushed on this girl. It took a dislocated knee to decide ballet wasn't in the future? When you say she already didn't enjoy it? It seems like the piano lessons were never her chioce, either. Now she's really enjoying singing (it seems) but that's not enough. Are you hoping she will play professionally in an orchestra? Is it a requirement to get into music school? Because otherwise, I don't understand why she can't drop piano until it might be of more interest to her, or perhaps another instrument will appeal to her - or another life course.
If she desires this professional track, and these things are part of it, there should be discussion, and perhaps some pushing, about that. Otherwise some of this should be up to her.
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you go, psycho mom
I suspect a lot of people are going to say, back off, let her be a kid. I mean, she dislocated her knee from being pushed to dance, and now you're pushing her to sing and play keyboards?
Get a life, and give hers back to her...
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Time to let go
Reading between the lines I see a mother with a large agenda of her own: "pushed the private ballet and piano lessons", "forcing... lessons she hates", "I wish my own mother had forced me".
Why is the LW forcing another person to do anything at all? In my book, that's a very poor way to live life. Certainly we have an obligation to impose on our children to, say, not drive cars at 13, but piano lessons are not in the same life-threatening category. I also doubt the importance of continuing both in making music a career; it is as if the LW has a very limited view of what a musical life might be.
In summary, it's time to start letting go and allowing this new-forming person to have beliefs, desires and goals of her own.
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Under Pressure
I have a totally different take on this to Cary - and to illustrate I provide two anecdotes.
The first from my own life: I played piano from 6 and sucked at it until 12. I wanted to give it up and my mum said no. Then I changed teachers, something clicked in my head and suddenly I 'got' it. Suddenly a Bach Two Part Invention or Prelude and Fugue spoke a language I could understand. A Mozart sonata was meaningful and my skill level really took off. From failing a piano exam at 9 I won a scholarship to an elite music school in west Germany at 18 to study piano. You can imagine how my parents were THRILLED. And then what happened? I buckled under the pressure. I realised I never wanted to play that badly in the first place. A year later I came home from Europe and quit piano dead. Followed by a nervous breakdown. I don't know how much quitting piano added to this, but piano certainly added to the nervous breakdown in the first place. Since then I have never touched the piano again.
Second anecdote: John McEnroe told a story about his son in a magazine interview once. His son wanted to learn guitar when he was around 8. John said yes but warned him that he had to practise. The son didn't practise. John warned him again. The son still didn't practice. John told him to quit guitar because if he didn't care about it enough to practice on his own initiative there was no point in going on.
I totally agreed with John. Although I love music I never loved it enough to warrant trying to do it professionally or at an elite level. Having talent is different from having desire, and both are equally essential to achieving a professional level of musicianship, or sportsmanship - or maybe anything. If you read Yehudi Menuhin's biography it's clear that he had a pushy mother, but he also had the mind and soul of a consummate professional from childhood. He took his talent utterly seriously and knew from an early age what he was going to do with it.
I, like my parents, was seduced by my 'promise' at piano, but 'promise' means zilch unless it becomes hard currency achievement, and I wouldn't get too excited about anything my child showed an aptitude for until they seriously began to achieve. (I'd be encouraging and loving and proud of course - but I wouldn't start compromising or sacrificing the rest of their life.) Now I wish I had had the guts to go at my own pace with piano, which would have involved quitting to learn guitar and writing my own songs at around 16 I reckon. Instead I just burned out on music big time and that left a hole in my life that has taken a long time to heal.
I say to the LW: it's time to accept your daughter is ultimately in charge of her own life. It's time to say 'if you want to quit piano so be it. You may regret this for the rest of your life, you may never give it a second thought, or you may feel refreshed in a few months and want to start again. Let me know how you go.'
I have to say though - voices 'blossoming' at 10 sounds a little 'gifted mother syndrome-ish' to me. Don't professional voices tend to blossom much later usually? I know Christina Aguilera and Charlotte Church blossomed early but would anyone want that kind of adolscence for their child?
It's very common for a certain kind of parent to believe they have a budding genius on their hands and to freak out under the pressure. Usually, and this is a good thing, the budding genius blossoms into a rounded, normal, interested person who becomes a lawyer with a passion for harpsichord, or a teacher who plays a tough game of ice hockey on the side. What most such parents have in fact is a blossoming sponge on their hands, a creature so ready for anything and enthusiastic that they just explode into any subject you put before them.
I think the LWs responsibility is to ensure her daughter isn't crushed by meaningless pressure and stays fresh, open and loving what she does for as long as possible. There will never be another time like this when she can light on one thing after another like a butterfly in a field of flowers. Let her flit about, let her enjoy the feeling of her wings unfolding and stretching in the sunshine. Trust in the universe and in her inner voice to help her choose right.