Dear LW,

I'm sorry to hear you're battling breast cancer. I wish I could lend you some of my energy in telling those annoying and pushy relatives to back off and give you some space, but that's your husband's job right now.

Good for you for not caving into their demands and for not agreeing with their unhelpful religious ideology.

Sending you kind thoughts,

S. Young.

My daughter-in-law, who is very dear but has excitable let-me-prove-my-love-for-you tendencies, called a few days before my first mastectomy to inform me she had cleared her calendar and would be coming up (she's seven hours away) to "help," saying, "I want to be there when you open your eyes."

I thanked her and we had a long talk, during which time we came to a couple of good understandings. First, we see each other fairly often so we don't feel the kind of "omigosh, I haven't seen her/him in so long" pressure others do when a crisis arises. Second, I've had major surgery before so I was not uncomfortable with post-op recovery, but I didn't know what the next few months of chemo and what-not would hold and I wanted to keep her in reserve.

I said, "I think of you as my ace in the hole, and I don't want to pull you out just yet!"

She felt valued, and my husband and I were more easily able to maintain the calm and positive home atmosphere that helped us through the next few months.

She came up with her husband and son as soon as the doctor said I could be around small germ-laden children again, and we had a terrific time. She means well, she really does ...

LW,

I come from what looks like a breast cancer family. And I saw close up the nonsense people will dump on cancer patients--the number one thing being that somehow you brought the damn thing on yourself. Thinking about it over the years, it's become pretty clear to me that cancer scares the living daylight out of a lot of us so the blaming-the-victim becomes a way of controlling one's own fate. Same with the religious odiousness--which as others have pointed out comes in all stripes.

FWIW, my own research into my family's disease indicates that there's a much bigger environmental link than is widely discussed--rates skyrocketed in the atomic age. You may have been exposed to some damn carcinogen years ago and not know what. And neither does anyone else. In many ways, I think the whole emphasis on lifestyle (your diet, no. of kids) is a way of not looking at the big picture of our envirnoment. After all, most breast-cancer patients are like you--no known risk factors.

Cary's advice is right. I'd just add that sometimes pushy people can be put to good use--wrangling with doctors, tracking down research. And don't ignore support groups--somewhere where you don't have to be a saint or endlessly courageous.

I don't quite understand why the plain, unvarnished truth is not enough here.

The LW clearly understands the medically-proven importance of fighting cancer with a positive attitude. She is trying very hard to use this important tool. Anyone who impedes -and certainly those that cause a reversal in this attitude - are a literal danger to her, pure and simple.

Why can't she and her husband and her doctor simply tell these intruders that she cannot see them at this stage of her treatment and recovery? That the stress of the crowds and the stress of the enforced socializing and the stress of the questions and the stress of the need to engage in converstaion, etc. etc. literally harms her.

All the other suggestions for establishing other channels of communication are excellent. Setting up a blocking mechanism to protect the patient is fine, but get the truth out.

LW is fighting for her life and ANY unneeded stressor MUST be eliminated no matter the cost.

As to the other contingent with the prayers, I agree a simple Thank You should suffice. I lived with 'em, and they prayed for me and let me know about it simply because I was not of their ilk. I always replied with a simple "Thank you" and that always ended the conversation. While I do not believe in a god, I do suspect that somehow the positive energy of the more heartfelt prayers might be of some benefit in some manner I cannot begin to explain.

With that, I send my positive thoughts your way LW. But for heaven's sake, get rid of the negative energy of these in-laws any way you can!

LW, that phrase, "God won't give you any more than you can handle" used to drive me absolutely nuts. I nipped it in the bud when I developed the response, "There are mental hospitals and cemetaries FULL of people to whom God gave more than they could handle."

Humm, I've developed quite a bit of feistiness since contracting cancer a few months ago.....

Just start being firmer because your illness sounds long-term and I don't think you can take this much longer.

I agree with the posters who say hubby needs to handle this. It's his family and you need to pass on this info to him. They must leave. It's amazing how people can say the most insensitive things (haven't we all done that?)

The worst thing is the spiritual and emotional junkies as many people have mentioned. It becomes about them and their feelings and beliefs and their need to feel good by "helping" you. Unlike you, I have experienced a strong spiritual life but that does not mean I want people in my space all the time!

I recently underwent surgery for a chronic & painful but not life-threatening illness and my parents (love them dearly) stuck by my side morning, noon, and night. My husband had to go to work but was there for me in the evenings and on weekends. Bear in mind that I am a black woman from the Caribbean who grew up in England in white neighbourhoods. I returned to the Caribbean, which has a strong extended family-oriented culture. Culture clash!! The first week after surgery I really, really needed support but by the second week I wanted space to think and try to slowly regain my independence, and no-one would take the hint. Even having someone in the next room to fuss over me became annoying. I felt guilty and ungrateful and selfish. Probably an attitude that has gotten me ill in the first place.

I guess that is how his family will see you once your put your foot down but you'll just have to chalk it up to being lost in the translation. You seem to be from an agnosticor atheist/ introverted background. The two cultures cannot be reconciled and his mom will not understand (you wouldn't cut out it here!! You would just be considered selfish even though you are the one suffering!! Sorry!).

Hints and pained facial expressions will not work for you. Ask them to leave. :-(