Letters to the Editor
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Dear Kitty,
I am sorry about what I said about your shirt. I was just so distracted by your breasts. Excuse me. I mean chest, chest not breasts. I promise never to mention your breasts again. I won't even look at your chest but at your Kitty. Excuse me. I mean you Kitty. I will only look at your face. I promise never to look below your chin.
Kitty, I understand I am having a hard time. Excuse me. I mean I understand you are having a hard time. Let me help you through it before some other guy helps you through it.
I know I said something about slapping you. I didn't really mean it, but if you want to slap me a little... just a little. Please Kitty. Please, please, please. Because you are bad. Kitty Kat baaaaad.
No. Sorry Kitty. I didn't mean it. I'm the one that's bad. I've been a bad, bad boy. Please punish me. That's what I've been wanting all along.
Only Kitty, please don't tell your husband about helping me through my hard time. Or your fine family. Or my wife. Just purr for me a little.
Admiringly,
You Know Who
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more thoughts for the military guy
Do you see what happened to the LW when he tried to do exactly what you're advising? I understand the behavior in my case is more extreme, but the same principles apply. As I said initially, I don't feel like explaining myself to my chain of command, which could conceivably happen if I made an issue out of this. People draw the line at different places.
If you take a close look at the LW's actual words, minus the hysteria involved in Salon's headline, I think you might see that your situation and his aren't really on the same level.
He also didn't follow the proper procedures. He probably should have gone straight to her boss rather than trying to play clothes police himself. It would have saved everyone involved some embarrassment. Rules and systems exist for a reason. If her shirt violates them, it's her boss's problem, not his. If not, it's his problem and no one else's.
Also, if change is going to be made, some discomfort is going to happen. That's unavoidable. Things like the LW's goof will happen, and if people are so scared of that happening to them that they won't do anything when something real comes up, you get your situation. The LW cried wolf, more or less. Now men who have a real problem have a bigger problem, but that's how it goes. Sometimes change is an uphill battle.
The flipside to men not seeing sex in everything women do is women toning themselves down in male company. The idea is to meet somewhere in the middle, at least in public. That's what things like dress codes are for, because some people, like the LW and this woman you work with, don't know instinctively where the lines is drawn. They need guidance, even if they don't enjoy it much.
"Oh my god, just because I told him I enjoy fucking boys in random encounters and that I'm not above doing sexual favors to get my way doesn't mean I want fuck *him*. As if!"
And that, in mixed professional company, has got to stop.
Really, I suspect she might need counseling. This kind of behavior isn't always Paris Hilton wannabe stuff. It can be a symptom of other, far more serious things. However, as long as it doesn't get her into trouble, she won't stop doing it and won't even think to question whether or not it's bad.
Pampering her won't help her deal with it, regardless of what the problem is, and meanwhile the lack of disciplinary action leaves her thinking that it's okay to act like that. She's not likely to straighten out until she understands that what she's doing is wrong. If no one shows her, she won't learn.
There's a difference between age and maturity. I'm sure everyone can think of women twice her age who still act like that. It's not attractive. Also, consider the effect on the younger men who work with her. Not only is it distracting, it feeds any negative stereotypes they might have and can color their interactions with other women.
You don't have to drop a bomb on her, but if you can possibly arrange it, you might consider the equivalent of a firm no and putting her toy up on a high shelf where she can't reach. Yes, she'll whine, but it's not the end of the world.
It may look like I'm not sympathetic to her, but I am. She may need psychological help. She may need a good, swift kick. Right now, neither one is happening.
I hope by the time my 5-year-old girl is 15 or so, long skirts, peasant blouses and big, thick books are cool again. I'd rather her idolize Virginia Woolf than Paris Hilton and see her mind, not her body, as the primary source of her power.
My suggestion, as a parent of a 12-year-old, is to turn off the TV. Just pull the plug on the damned thing. I did, and even the kid is happy with this decision. Alternative schooling is also useful, if you can pull it off, but turning off commercial TV is probably the biggest gift you can give to your daughter. If there's a show you like, get it on DVD. At the very least, it cuts out the commercials and adds an element of mindfulness to your viewing habits. More subtly, it tilts how you spend your time toward more productive things.
Although I'm not sure how I count my time on this thread!
Good luck to you.
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"My suggestion, as a parent of a 12-year-old, is to turn off the TV."
This is not quite the subject of this thread, but I want to say that the above is a sentiment I very much agree with. I wish I had done this. We have become engulfed in popular culture and foolish fads and our children are the victims.
People who are dressing their preteens in inappropriate and even sexual clothing are fools. At least I did not make that mistake.
I also take note that the young woman of the LW's letter married young. She did not have time to enjoy the natural process of growing up. Maybe that is the reason she wears such childish clothes.
It is very odd. We have children dressing as hookers and adults dressing as children.