Letters to the Editor
-
Kitty not happy and Cary not get it
Cary you are way off. The t shirt message is vulgar and offensive. Ok for the club. Not ok for work.
Very simple.
PS If this were a man with a t shirt that had a rooster and a message that read "kiss the cock and make him happy" will your advice be different?
-
There's a difference between "kitty" and "cock"
Most strikingly, if you google each term, you will get dramatically different results.
What other words are going to become taboo now? "Cat"? If "kitty" is not OK, surely "cat" isn't? "Mouse"? Mice and cats are associated - so anyone seeing the word "mouse" would instantly think "cat" and then instantly think "pussy", right? It can get quite ridiculous, and I think the LW has crossed the ridiculousness threshold (ooh, "threshold" - sounds pornographic to me; quick, someone, censor me!)
The point of a workplace, surprising though it may be to most of the contributors to this thread, is to work - to perform the job that one is paid for. If the young woman does her job and does it well, it does not matter what she wears. If the LW is spending all his time snooping on the young woman in question and complaining to HR about her attire, it's unlikely that he's doing good work.
-
Anonymous,
Actually, she did. He says: "She informed me that Kitty was a cartoon character."
In other words, she told him to get a grip, and he pressed on anyway.
That's another part of this that makes it creepy, and part of why I think she might have been mocking him, telling him that if her clothes (a freakin' cat t-shirt!) were a sexual come-on, then his use of French was, too.
I get that there is a divide here between those reading this as “just” a cat t-shirt, and others reading it as a double entendre (though not everyone in the latter group thinks this is a problem). But if the shirt has no message, why she did she only start wearing it when she was unhappy? It's clearly a message of some kind, and even if not sexual, is conveying a personal message that can't help but be read in relation to her marriage, since she's been sharing her personal issues with her co-workers.
To me, if you are right, and she words were designed to put him in his place, and the shirt had no sexual implications, she is proving that, in addition to acting unprofessionally, she is incredibly stupid. If LW is the creepy guy you suggest, “you sound sexy when you speak French” is a HUGE misstep, as it will acutally encourage him to read continue to read her words and clothing choices in a sexual light. No one dealing with a jerk who is using even the pretext as a sign a girl "wants it" can be handled with playful words and an ironic manner.
However, in terms of what her response means, I think it's a bit of both. Clearly she wasn't coming onto him. But she was sending a message: "I'm being sexual, but I'm not directly acknowleding it, so you can't do anything about it. Square." She's playing games, and that's simply unprofessional. And even if LW is a stuff shirt fuddy-duddy, his response as recorded here was professional. Not "Hey babe, that's hot, but not in the workplace, huh?" Rather, "This isn't appropriate dress by the standards of this company." And "While this may be a cartoon character, we are both adult enough to see another meaning, let's keep this a professional place."
If you have read that letter from another Anonymous, the one in the military, I think he gives a clear example of what the LW might be going through, and why a man's feelings should be considered in situations like this, as much as a woman's would (undoubtably) be if the roles were reversed. Personally, I think the response the LW is getting is too harsh, and I think his follow-up letter here in response to the comments was convincing.
-
sometimes I really wish that transactional analysis would come back "in" ...
"Kitty Not Happy" is basically baby-talk (even if it's in general use as slang).
Wearer is playing "child" and most respondents then get to be the "adult" ... and are put in the role of "taking care" of the baby ... this is not appropriate in the work place ... and reflects questionable judgement, lack of professionalism and possibly maturity of the wearer ...
If this young woman has any degree of job responsbilities, playing the "unhappy baby" just does not result in respectful adult-to-adult transactions -- or instill confidence, even if one appreciates the "cheekiness" or "cuteness" of it. To me, baby-talk implies that retro anti-feminist helpless-female stereotype that begs for a big-strong-man ... and not "sisterly" commiseration ... ymmv.
A T-shirt saying, for instance, "Ask me about my nervous breakdown" (worn briefly for a joke/shock-effect and then replaced with appropriate attire) on the other hand, is more of an adult-speaking-to-adult transaction and, because it stays adult-adult is less likely to be perceived as a come-on to "the guys".
An adult-to-child "I am not your mother" t-shirt would probably amuse only the wearer.
I don't think letterwriter's kitty-pussy double entendre fiasco makes him a horrible dirty old man ...
I do think he was genuinely shocked that she was wearing the shirt and assumed she did not understand it was inappropriate (so far okay) and was trying to explain -- badly -- why it was inappropriate. The kitty:pussy double-E was why HE thought the shirt would get her in trouble by giving the "the guys" the wrong impression. Paternalistic, but not perverted, imho.
-
men, women and clothes
To me, if you are right, and she words were designed to put him in his place, and the shirt had no sexual implications, she is proving that, in addition to acting unprofessionally, she is incredibly stupid. If LW is the creepy guy you suggest, “you sound sexy when you speak French” is a HUGE misstep, as it will acutally encourage him to read continue to read her words and clothing choices in a sexual light. No one dealing with a jerk who is using even the pretext as a sign a girl "wants it" can be handled with playful words and an ironic manner.
My own bet is that she was, indeed, being incredibly stupid. She sounds not only young, but lacking in appropriate boundaries, if not in self-esteem. You don't, for example, announce your impending divorce to a crowd of men, mostly because a lot of them will start jockeying for the position of next in line.
But I was thirty before I figured that out. Thirty. I was thirty before I realized that 1. Men are way more visual than I am, and 2. men operate sexually on a much stronger trigger. That may sound naive, but I really didn't know. My own response was too different. The sight of half-naked construction workers is pleasant scenery, like a garden or a forest, not a physiological imperative. I don't have to tear my mind away to keep driving.
One thing a lot of men seem to grossly overblow is how much of female behavior is aimed at attracting their attention. Take clothes. Even most sexy clothes are usually a case of fashion lemminghood, not "I wanna fuck!" It's what the stores sell, so that's what women wear. It's fun for us, a game we play, just like when we were little girls fighting over our mothers' castoff finery. It's a source of pleasure in and of itself, like reading, swimming or hot cocoa, and our difficulty understanding the male visual response makes it hard for us to see why men complain or move in for the kill. It's just clothes. It's just a game to us.
Women can't possibly be that naive? Yes we can, and more of us are than you think. Not every woman was raised to skate by on her sex appeal, and those of us who weren't are often oblivious to the extent of the effect for a long time.
If you have read that letter from another Anonymous, the one in the military, I think he gives a clear example of what the LW might be going through, and why a man's feelings should be considered in situations like this, as much as a woman's would (undoubtably) be if the roles were reversed.
The problem is that nobody has come up with a comparable male behavior. Cock not happy? With a droopy cartoon rooster? Even if you consider kitty to be a euphemism for cunt, it's far too mild to compare the two. Pussy, yes. But not kitty. As the responses here have shown, kitty is not universal.
There's also the issue of impact. One can, with some contortion, see "Kitty's not happy" (and it was I who stated that I don't think the LW even quoted the shirt correctly) as a sexual invitation, but a similar quote from a male would be seen as a declaration of inadequacy or a threat of physical violence.
Which brings us back to the different relationships men and women have with sex.
The guy in the military described behavior that is seriously over the line. Unfortunately, he also describes an environment that supports and colludes in it. Someone needs to report this women. Several someones, actually, like every guy she hits on or shows her tattoo to. If they don't report her, they're covering up for her behavior, just like women in typing pools used to do with predatory bosses. Action here may not be comfortable, but they need to take it.
However, the LW's situation was different. He didn't describe sexual propositions. He didn't describe exposed flesh. He didn't even describe the t-shirt itself as sexy. It was Cary or his editor who pulled that stunt, which was a great way of slanting the letter but a lousy headline. He just misquoted the slogan and described his reaction, which says far more about him than it does about the woman wearing it.
Cary nailed it. She's stressed out and sad, and simply expressing herself in an environment that normally discourages that. It had nothing to do with the LW personally.
Men are more visual and more easily distracted. I think that needs to be considered in the workplace, which is part of what dress codes are for. I think women also need to remember that the sexier we dress at work, the less seriously we're taken and the less likely we are to be promoted. There's a time and a place for dress-up, and this isn't it.
I also think that men need to consider the fact that they're well-documented to be prone to misinterpreting all kinds of things as signs of sexual availability, especially when they're dealing with a woman they have a hard-on for. Okay, so she's hot, but there are a thousand reasons why a marriage might be falling apart besides sex. "I want a divorce" doesn't mean "I wanna fuck".
Also, take a step back and actually read the t-shirt, including all of the letters and punctuation marks, taking note of the cartoon cat. It's not a cutesie baby talk way of announcing her availability. It's a grammatically correct, somewhat softened way of announcing her bad mood.
Personally, if anyone came into the office with a shirt declaring their foul temper to all and sundry, I might not approve of it, but I'd still steer clear.