Letters to the Editor
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Why, at your age, would you want a girlfriend
you have your education to complete, career to establish. Women are dreamkillers. Work hard, save your money, date a few women, be careful and always glove up, why in hell do you feel you need a goddam girlfriend? She will take time from your eduation and career and she will limit your options. Dump her and move on.
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what works for me
Rising 14 years married and together 5 years before that - and I'm a total love addict, love falling in love more than anything. Those first few days of wonder are the best. So why don't I sleep around?
I've learned that my husband isn't just one man, but many men. He hasn't lost the power to surprise me. Remember walking in the rain, holding hands, so stunned by wonder that you can barely draw breath? I did that... couple weeks ago, I guess it was.
Although I'm pretty partial to him, I'm convinced my husband isn't unique in being made up of more facets than I could discover in a lifetime. It's just a matter of paying attention.
As for sex, sex is an investment - you get out of it what you put into it. Although bodies change over time, your lover will not suddenly have new scars to tell the tale of, new curves and highlights to fancy, new erogenous zones. But the trade off for the thrill of banging noses with a stranger is learning how to really please another person - and that other person really learning how to please you.
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Is she cheating on you?
Seriously. Think about it.
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Into life, a lack of fizz must fall...
Not sure if you've been in love before, but except for the rare and lucky couples who keep each other's socks rolling up and down for years, people starting a relationship often have an initial intense falling in love, butterflies in the stomach attraction to each other, followed by a more comfortable, secure, attachment.
There's even a hormonal basis for it. After "attaching," oxytocin -- a hormone for nesting and contentment -- kicks in, and libido often tapers.
If you have a number of relationships that don't end in permanence, you are likely to go through the intense-->comfortable thing numerous times.
I'm 45, didn't marry till early 30s, and started dating at 15.
And you know what? I was in love and had various relationships before I met my spouse, and every time I fell in love, I thought I would die with all the excitement of it, and every time, after a few months, things settled down into comfortable contentment.
Maybe you'll be lucky enough to be one of those rare birds who lucks into a life-long passionate relationship. But believe me, I know a lot of married couples, and of all of them, I think ONE fits that category, the rest are "comfortable contentment" couples.
You may be too young, and not enough relationships under your belt, to realize that getting back the thrill may not be possible, but embracing and enhancing the contentment -- interspersed with a moment of thrill here and there -- is often the real goal.
If thrill is it, then by all means, date around for a long time, until you get the jonesing for constant sizzle out of your system.
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Focus
But I feel like what we have is something different; we are something more. We are students at an elite national university (Stanford), and a pillar of our relationship from the beginning has been our intellectual as well as our physical attraction to each other.
There is a TOTAL disconnect between the first and second statements here. And I say this as someone who is a member of another kind of select group who once had a relationship with someone else in my select group. My former lover and I are both famous in a certain sphere.
As such, I can tell you: Forget that you are Students at an Elite National University. If that is the most important thing about your relationship, then of course it will fade. That doesn't carry any juice--that's a job. Be with her because she's terrific and the rest will follow. You can still be proud of her for being smart and the rest of it, just don't get too hung up on being half a power couple.
Someone else already pointed out that if you pay attention you will keep seeing new things about the person you love for decades. I've noticed the same thing in my life. Pay attention to her, not to Your Female Counterpart at Stanford, and see who she is. That will keep sparking as you discover her again and again.
--TR
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Nostalgia Is A Young Person's Affliction
You already are nostalgic for The Good Olde Days (tm) of a year ago. It is a fake feeling. Forget it. Do not try to go back. Move forward, whether that includes this girlfriend or not, as Carey advises.
If it works out, okay. If not, okay. You and she both are free, either way.
Just move into life, and become your own self. She probably will like that. All women probably will like that. Women who do NOT like that are trying to play you, or are crazy, and are not worth your while.
Zero women will like you if you concentrate on them, rather than doing something. They want an extremely cool guy who is almost too busy for them.
So take the humble route (great advice from Carey!), and get busy with the rest of the world. Great women will line up for you. Alternatively, if you just want to get laid, PRETEND you are a busy player, and ACT as if you are working on something important.
She sounds like a wonderful woman. Lots of wonderful women everywhere, though. Be cool. Get busy. Que sera, sera.
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Thrill gone
The thrill always goes, and it may not come back, but relationships go through phases. There has to be more than sex. You can have great sex with almost any partner, it is not that hard. But for a relationship to flourish, it needs common interests and goals.
The odds are not in the LW's favor, but miracles do happen.