Letters to the Editor
-
so true
I dealt with a mild version of this exact story (declining father, unkempt house) last year, and Cary is right on when he says "reach out to the community". In my dad's final year I was astonished to tears by the generosity of his neighbors, colleagues, and the town he lived in who offered everything from lawn-mowing to raccoon-catching to keeping an eye on plumbers, cleaners and roofers. Moreover, don't fail to reach out to your newly discovered sibling (I had one of those, too! From a pre-war dalliance!) She may turn out to be a useless pain in the ass, but you might as well give her a chance - she might also turn out to be a charming, capable angel of mercy.
I'd recommend a therapist in any case - you will need someone you can bitch and moan to without jeopardizing family or community relations.
I wish you well.
-
Beyond Shame
You cut to the heart of the matter in techniques for confronting overwhelming tasks, Cary. But there is more than just the overwhelming task of putting all this mess of a house in order. The LW's father is dealing with serious emotional issues. This kind of behavior warrants therapeutic intervention and the only way to do that (and thereby procure permission to deal with the physical environment) is through Adult Protective Services. The Department of Health and Human Services (or whatever it might be called in the LW's state) needs to be invoked in order to obtain mental health services for the LW's father.
-
sounds overwhelming
I was surprised to read Cary's response to this letter. If the father were an alcoholic, Cary surely would not recommend that the son become so involved in his father's life and indeed his father's choices and consistent expression of self.
Cary's response seems to be shaped by a basic interpretation of LW's father's character--that it is basically good; therefore, the father is "worth" strenuous effort. And Cary is of course assuming that the father would be better off if his circumstances were radically altered by his son.
Nowhere does LW indicate that his father has asked for help. We do not know how deeply motivated the father's choices may be. In addition, why is the son imagining his future so vividly as a product of the continued impact of his father's choices. What are the son's choices? Who is the son? Won't the son lose himself if he takes on Cary's extremely prescriptive response.
Why must the LW immerse himself so deeply in his father's world when his father has not requested this? What about all the people in the world who do ask for help? And what about the LW's own life and own challenges?
-
Maybe he should be ashamed to be ashamed?
It saddens me that the LW's concerns are only about appearances, himself, and finances -- in that order. He does not seem at all concerned with rectifying his father's obvious suffering. Cary's advice was good and practical, but it sounds like the LW has a lot to learn about mental illness.
The house sounds gross. But it's a symptom, not the problem.
-
I see disaster
It is a big mistake to think that his father is unaware, or is crying out for help. From everything said, his father is fully cognizant of his situation. And he does not want help. He has not asked for help. He will not be helped.
Trying to force help on this man will lead nowhere good. Trying to fix the roof or clean up the feces will not happen without the willingness of this man to change. To accept help. And without that flexibility and that openness, he will view any offered help as an imposition and an insult. Maybe not consciously. Maybe not obviously. But he will resist in all ways until his life is under his -- and only his -- control. He hasn't chosen this way to live accidentally.
-
Geez, I like your dad!
I mean, not that he's a real winner in our image-conscious society, but he sounds basically like a much more interesting human being than your mom. Why don't you try loving him for who he is, and trying to help him in ways he WANTS to be helped? I find it infinitely irritating that people always say they want to "help" but they only want to "help" in ways that THEY find "helpful" -- rather than helping in the way that the receiver of the help really needs help. What does your dad really need/want help with? Ask him! Make a few suggestions. Stop worrying so much about the money and worry about the human being.
-
PTSD?
Dear LW,
I recently listened to a public affairs discussion program on our local public radio station, KUNM, in Albuquerque. The topic of the day was on homelessness. One of the local experts made the statement that, on a regular basis, he encounters Vietnam War vets who've been homeless since shortly after they got back from the war. This statement shook me and it immediately lept to mind when I read your letter.
Perhaps your father is still dealing with the after effects of his service in Vietnam. Maybe you can try getting him involved in a Veteren's center, or something similar. Maybe the counselors there, many of them vets as well, can help.
Good luck!
-
Find out whether he wants help first
Cary offers great advice in one scenario. Other writers note the possibility of mental illness, which could mean a different scenario. It's important to know which one fits your Dad. Given that he was in Vietnam, you might contact the nearest Vietnam veterans organization and see whether they can reach him and connect him with the proper services to determine whether the issue is chronic depression, PTSD, or something else. Reaching him man to man might be a way for him to deal with this without losing what little dignity he has in his relationship with his children.
Before you do this or anything else, however, get his valuable posessions photographed, catalogued, insured and secured. He would be an easy target for thieves or con artists.
I agree that this could be a long haul, even in the best circumstances. And if you don't have the money to do the repairs, or access to his money, it could be very frustrating. If there is money, you might want to arrange for a "home makeover" event, sending him on vacation with the half-sister and just going in with the contractors and neighbors and making a significant change all at once. Sometimes starting with a clean slate works, at the very least it will let you monitor new deterioration more carefully and nip it before it hits this level again.
Finally, prepare yourself for the fact that your father may refuse, may choose to stay as he is. You can do nothing, except have him visit you, keep your visits to him short and detach yourself. This isn't about you, it's about him.