Maybe he hasn't said those words because the LW is telling him too. She's even cried in front of him trying to get him to say it! But anyway, it's not the words that count, it's the feeling, and the words don't prove the feeling anyway.

As a Non American I always cringe at the part in movies where people say 'love you' at the end of phone calls and at the drop of a hat. For me that would be insincere and needy. Sickly sweet and cloying. Maybe the boyfriend feels that way about it too. Or maybe he's never said those words and wants to be very clear that he's doing it because he means it when he does.

Overall I think it's a GOOD thing that the guy isn't just saying it because his girlfriend is telling him too. He obviously thinks his words are important and worth something. It makes it more likely that when he does say it will be for real.

Until then I advise the LW to look at what he DOES, not what he says. That will tell her if he loves her or not, more than any words.

If you really love him you'll stop obsessing over the form of love and focus on the content.

Love is long suffering,

love is kind,

it is not jealous,

love does not boast,

it is not inflated.

It is not discourteous,

it is not selfish,

it is not irritable,

it does not enumerate the evil.

It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth

It covers all things,

it has faith for all things,

it hopes in all things,

it endures in all things.

Love never falls in ruins;

Basically, when you are 20 and have only been dating 10 months (in other words, both you and the relationship are very young -- too young to be making any permanent lifetime commitments), what it means when someone doesn't want to say "I love you" (and you presumably have said it to the BF, many times) is that....he doesn't love you. It's really pretty simple, LW.

There are a few supremely inarticulate men in the world who can't seem to squeak the words out, but show their genuine love through actions (like marrying you and raising kids with you and standing by you through sickness and health, etc.). But you have to be way older than 20, and with someone way longer than 10 months, to even contemplate such a relationship, and generally it takes a pretty tough, self-assured woman to tolerate the lack of verbal romance. Only you will ever know if you would or could be this kind of woman, and you can't know it at 20.

Your 20-year old boyfriend is probably thinking that you are very nice and very attractive, and he likes being your boyfriend and having sex with you. But he's also got his eye on the future, and all the other women he'd like to be with, and his education and his career, etc. In our culture, men have a very long "personal history world view" compared to women, because they don't have to deal with a harsh, unyielding biological clock. Your BF can probably imagine himself having a whole load of girlfriends, and maybe not settling down until 42, at which time he will still be considered an attractive young desirable "catch".

You, on the other hand, seem to have a pretty loudly ticking biological clock because you know that your fertility will start to decline in about seven years (admittedly, very slowly at first), and you want to find and commit to that "one and only" true love of your life. But seriously, even in light of that, you are in an awfully big rush. 20 is too young to settle down and too young to exclude the many possiblities in YOUR life, like YOUR education and career and all the great guys YOU might potentially meet in the next few years, including some pretty fabulous guys who will be all too happy to say "I love you, LW" right back at you.

In general, in dealing with people, I have learned that much of the time when people tell you something ("I'm not in love with you", "I don't know if I ever want kids", "I'm not ready to settle down"), they are more or less telling you the factual truth about themselves. And it behooves you to listen and to believe them, and not subscribe to the gooey romantic fantasies you may have gleaned from novels or movies or TV, where men say those sort of things BUT DON'T MEAN THEM, REALLY, so that by the end of the novel/movie/TV show they have capitulated to everything that the heroine wishes for ("I love you", the proposal, the ring, the big wedding, the baby, etc.).

It doesn't really work that way in real life, and maybe after your initial disappointment, you will come to appreciate the fact that your BF has basically told you the truth -- hard as it may be to believe, in the long run TRUTH is a much more valuable commodity than a PRETTY LIE.

True, love is not about words. But, love is not about feelings either.

Love is about actions.

While LW is not trapped in a burning building, she clearly is in some sort of a distress.

And what is her lover doing about it?

Is he able to comfort her? Obviously not.

Does he have enough empathy for her, that short of help in her, he would break down in tears himself? I think not.

Conclusion: he does not love her.

Action: she needs to dump him.

The LW has turned what should be what someone says because they are moved to express it into an obligation. When someone in a relationship has tried to force me to do or say something, the most fitting term for that has seemed to be 'controlling'.

Some guys have great difficulty expressing feelings through words, and may even find such expressions hollow. Such a guy might express the same feeling by washing your car, watching romantic comedies with you when he can't stand them, by being faithful, etc. Maybe LW could watch the movie Ghost, and look upon another guy who clearly cared but had trouble with the words. It is fiction, but that quirk comes right out of real life.

Also, the boyfriend's family may have been as averse to the phrase as LW's family is in love with it, and so it unnatural for him. Really though the reason may not matter. LW has cried over this. She has written an advice columnist about this. It sure sounds like a deal-breaker for her, and even if she forces him to say it she will then have to reflect that it meant nothing because he said it to get her to shut up about it.

If it is a deal breaker, then she should move on. To me, that would be supremely silly if everything else in the relationship is good, but each of us has to decide what is most important to us. If she does end it, it is quite possible the next guy will say it as freely as breathing, while bedding her sister / best friend / random strangers on the side.