Letters to the Editor
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Take Cary's advice but...
Cary gave some good advice on this. Bring in the experts if you really want to save your cat and your sanity. To that I would add, just prepare yourself for the fact that it may, or may not work. My wife and I went through problems with a dog we owned once (think life can be rough with a cat - try an aggressive 80 pound dog). We have trained dogs before and our dogs have never caused problems, except for this one particular dog. In spite of our best efforts he became aggressive. We have tried many times since to figure out just where "we went wrong" but we've never been able to isolate a cause for his behavior. Finally, we called in experts to help us and even though we had a really great trainer, the aggressive behavior returned.
I don't know much about training cats, but I am told they are trainable. In any case, I commend you both for your commitment to your animal. Just the fact that you're writing to Cary looking for help shows that you have a lot of heart. Good luck!
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bad cat
Put that bad cat to sleep. It would be a mercy to the cat and to you. I took in a stray--we called her the Fiend From Hell for obvious reasons. We tried for a year. Even the vet said she should be euthanized. There are thousands of nice cats and kittens to adopt. Grow up!
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Try thinking differently.
Like most folks who are responding to your letter, LW, I have had a similar experience to yours with a terminally difficult, aggressive pet. It's agony, no doubt, and your compassion and determination are admirable.
But there's another way to look at your cat's situation:
You rescued the cat. You gave him a chance at life he would not have otherwise had. You loved him and fed him and protected him. You have already given him a great gift, and, should you choose to euthanize him for irreversible behavior problems, you should be able to rest assured that, as emotionally difficult and painful as that decision may have been, you have done what is best for the animal, and no one else was willing or capable of doing more.
People who say 'it's just a cat' or 'it's just a dog' to people who are dealing with a problem like yours just don't get it. But there is still a line between heroic love and self-destructive overcompensation. It's important to remember that pets serve no purpose in the home other than comfort and companionship. Those of us who love animals are particularly susceptible to a perverse overindulgence of their needs and importance. This is a widespread phenomena that has evolved in the US over the past 30 years--three decades in which veterinary medicine has radically transformed from an industry primarily run by men specializing in livestock who treated domestic pets on the side into one largely dominated by women specializing in cats and dogs who are able to offer treatments that would have been unimaginable just ten or fifteen years ago--at enormous expense. While most of these changes are for the good, they also tend to enable a thought process in which anything less than extraordinary effort on the part of a pet owner is considered a betrayal.
This simply isn't the case. As much as you love it, it's a cat. It's disrupting your life and the lives of people around you. It will be difficult if not impossible to place in another home, and then you'd just be giving someone else your problem. Cary's advice is well-meaning but worthless. The kind of training necessary to fix this cat's problems will cost you thousands of dollars. Frankly, it is ridiculous to spend that kind of money on a personal indulgence that will not likely improve the situation in any measurable way.
If I were you, I'd put the cat down and, in tribute to its life, rescue another unwanted cat--not to replace the first, but to extend the kindness and to help yourself heal.
Mercy is a wonderful thing, for everyone involved. Do not be afraid of it, or guilty about it.
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The cat shouldn't control your life
Twenty years ago, I agreed to take a cat from a friend who was getting married, when the cat and his fiancee couldn't get along. She was a beautiful cat, but she would attack me for no reason. The kicker was two-fold: having her on my lap, purring contentedly as I pet her (while talking on the phone to a friend about her actions) and having her turn and calmly stick a claw into my hand, hard enough to draw blood and make me cry. And realizing that I kept making excuses - this is my fault. Maybe if I did this, or didn't do this, she wouldn't hurt me. I was working in a domestic violence shelter at the time, and realized I sounded like the clients. I was an abused cat owner.
I had told the person who had given her to me that this wasn't working out (couldn't take her back), and had tried to find someone else to take her. I decided I had to take her to the APL. They asked if she had bitten or scratched, and I said "yesterday." They said something about 10 days, that indicated doom (don't recall exactly how put), so I took her back home for 10 days. Although on the ninth day she struck again, when I went back, I lied, and said "No, not in 10 days." Then the worker asked if she ever had, and said they wouldn't be able to adopt her out. She then bit one of them on the way out of the carrier. I left her there, a little sad, but feeling I had tried all I could.
I've never regretted the decision, though I can't imagine repeating it. And I began to note, with some amazement, that her behavior wasn't all that unusual. I'd hear this and that story about the bad, yet totally tolerated, cat who would take a swipe at you for no reason. I was sorry the cat hadn't landed with one of those people:-{}
Now I have two dogs, that I love dearly, and tolerate less than ideal behavior from - like that little regression on the housetraining. But they're not agressive.
I think if the LW has the patience still left in her, and don't forget, the money, she should try some of those professionals. But eventually, if you are twisting your whole life around the cat, and if none of you, including the cat, are happy, I don't think it is terrible to consider euthanasia.