You can divorce your spouse and each of you will go separate ways. Pets are not adult humans, though. Like children, they are entirely dependent on the people who take care of them.

You cannot "divorce" a problem child. You deal with the child. Same with a problem pet. In this case, as with a problem child, psychoactive drugs hold the most promise for bettering the situation. This cat can live.

I've had kitty cats all my life. On the farm living outside when my father, a farmer, didn't believe in taking pets to a veternarian (only cattle worth money deemed a veternarian's care), in my apartment or house (we moved six times) -- that cat lived to 20.

Ten years ago some friends brought me the teeny tiniest of cats, a calico I named Libertine on the 4th of July. Someone had found her and given her to them, they in turn gave her to me.

I did the bottle feeding thing, and introduced her to wet food and she poo'ed in my hand. I would call her "stinky butt" and whistled John Denver's "Annie's Song" to her as a lullaby. She loved being outdoors and to call her I'd use a variation of the Homer Simpson "Woo Woo." She's a little cantakerous and begrudgingly and slowly warmed to the two kittens I adopted after her, but she's pretty well integrated into my "cat family" as long as one of them doesn't invade her personal space.

Perhaps with the LW's cat, the owners could do a tough love weekend and take it camping out in the country. See how it responds and see if it appreciates being brought home. I say that tongue-in-cheek, but do they have a nice big cat carrier they could keep the cat in when the repairmen come to visit. Or get another cat who's doesn't suffer from separation anxiety and see if his behavior would rub off on the crazy cat.

... that if a spouse was causing the LW as much heartburn as the cat does, we'd all be advising divorce.

It's ok to admit that a relationship just isn't working out, and to escape it.

I too have a cat who scares friends and family. I've had him for 13 years. He was also separated from his mother, though he was 3 weeks old. That's bad. Mother cats teach their kittens how to use the litter pan, and watch as they learn to socialize with the other kittens. When you get a kitten who didn't have that training, sometimes it's a real challenge. He sounds young enough to be able to work on a bit.

My cat was once on medication. I didn't like how he reacted to it, so took him off. It was prescribed by a cat psychologist. (I went that far....which, for me, a real animal realtor, is big.) I understood a lot of why he was the way he way, but it didn't make it easier or feel better. I have battle scars from the bad days. In the end, I trained him with a plant mister. He is still not perfect, but he's manageable. He still thinks he's top cat, but I'm actually in the process of changing my behavior to show him he's not. (As long as my hand opens that can of cat food - guess who is top cat in my house?)

It's a big commitment keeping a cat like that. I decided that someone else might put him to sleep and so I made a commitment. I didn't know about places I've listed below - and

decided to allow him to live. But I do have perameters. Unfortunately, it really puts a dent on my social life so I have to lock him in my bedroom when guests come over. That's a drag.

He seems very loving when I let him out -- so it became part of my "training" as well.

In worst case scenarios, a wonderful place will take an out of control aggressive cat. The place is called "Best Friends Animal Sanctuary." They are in Utah and they have had experience with cats that were so bad, they put their owners in the hospital.

I was offered Best Friends by one of their directors if it ever got to be too much. In fact, they had asked me to write a story about my cat, which I'm still considering. Let me end by saying, I feel your pain! It ain't easy. Since you seem like compassionate people, I'm sure in the end you will make the right decision.

http://www.bestfriends.org/atthesanctuary

Best regards,

Dihjet

Only one other person made an oblique remark about a baby, so if the LW and her fiance are considering having children in the next 12 or so years she should consider that as part of her decision making.

We had a gentle, loving Siamese who nevertheless was obviously irrtated at times with listening to our baby cry. Nothing ever happened but if I were in the LW's shoes I would never trust this cat no matter what training he would undertake to modify his behaviour. A cat isn't able to the damage that a dog could, but still a smal baby could be seriously injured by a cat.

Kitty Prozac.

I've seen this work for some cats with aggression problems, but honestly, there are about a zillion sweet, funny and deserving kitties at your local pound on any given day.

(Make sure you de-odorize your house completely before getting a new cat, or they may think it's okay to pee around in places they shouldn't.)

You killed your dead wife's beloved cat? That's kinda low. lol

For both you and the cat. Because that's like you know, a codependent's dream relationship. Wear goggles though.

Well this IS America where only animals have human rights, you know.

get the cat fixed PRONTO ... in order for the cat to be adopted or sheltered, it needs fixing.

Second, yes, a Cat Dancer or The Bird (a wonderful collection of feathers on a string) and one-on-one sessions can have two different effects, from my experience ... the first is exercise and stimulation, of course, but the other I have seen with a few neurotic cats is that it "lets them forget themselves" for a moment or two, getting them out of the tense, coiled, defensive posture.

Third, in my experience cats usually bond with ONE person more than anyone else ... one of you NEEDS to self-designate at this cat's PERSON and devote, again, one-on-one grooming time, periodic acknowledgement of existence, in addition to feeding. I've known couples who were so busy and into each other that the cat was almost always an intrusion ... and was left alone for virtually days on end, anxious and abandoned.

I also agree that medication may help break a cycle or may be needed long term. Some combination of physiology and environment has this cat extremely anxious and wound-up and feeling threatened.

Good luck. Regardless of how you feel about neutering, the cat will need to be fixed to be sheltered ...

It sounds as if your cat is AT LEAST as miserable as you are.