I want to tell the letter writer that I am in a similar situation with my dog. When I lost my beloved lab/shepherd three years ago after his long battle with cancer, and finally started to emerge from a long space of grieving, I wanted to find a dog who wouldn't have a chance otherwise--there are so many of them in deplorable conditions. I came across a young coonhound who had been found on the highway. She was terrified of everything. Unfortunately, although her foster parent was kind enough to take the dog in, this women did not know how to handle an abused animal and exacerbated some of her problems. By the time the dog came to my notice, this woman was ready to dump the dog at the local shelter, where she would most certainly have been euthanized.

So I took her in and tried to work with her. I gave her a very regular schedule, got her the best food and care that I could, and took her to some trainers and behaviorists. The thing is, even though she has come a long way, she still has many many behavior problems, and I am often in tears of frustration, and, unfortunately, am sometimes in fear of this dog. She has what they call "conflict-related aggression," which means that she can be aggressive when fearful.

But here is the thing. I can never ever "get rid of" (god, how I hate that phrase) my dog. I simply could not live with myself if I put this poor damaged animal out there in this uncertain world, not knowing how she would end up. The chances that an animal like my dog or your cat would end up in a good situation are almost nil.

Please listen to Cary when he asks you to think about how you are going to look back on your life, because I don't think you will ever get over it if you put your cat out there.

Like me, you will have to continue to make adjustments in your life. You will have to put the cat in a separate space when guests come over. Maybe, like me, you will have to be very careful about keeping all kinds of things out of reach of your pet. You might have to medicate, as I have had to occasionally. You will have to be vigilant.

Because what else can we do? To me, the alternative is unthinkable.

I would also like to suggest that you seek out other animal lovers. We can talk endlessly about our pets and options for treatment or training, and we are very supportive of other pet-crazy people. You might discover some very good friends among us.

You're describing my cat, basically. I rescued him at three weeks, and certainly I've regretted doing so at different points over the ensuing 15 years. But I will say this: age has mellowed him--somewhat. I've found that he feels secure with a fairly strict routine (feeding, changing of cat box, arrangement of bedding places, etc.), and although he's still pretty aggressive when people come over, he's less likely to swat at them than he used to be. Or less likely to draw blood, anyway. My friends know the drill, so I don't even get embarrassed about his behavior anymore. Like your cat, he never had much interest in toys, though occasionally I can distract him with a bag of catnip. He never even learned how to groom himself until I got another cat. He's the most neurotic, aggressive, idiosyncratic animal I've ever had, and yes, he made my life miserable. But I have a ferocious love for that cat, maybe precisely because he is such a pain in the ass. He is affectionate--in his own weird way--toward me, and the crazy thing actually pined for me when I left him for one summer. I guess since he didn't really have a mother, I am his.

So I don't really know what to tell you. I don't imagine it will get much better for you, and yes, those vet visits are traumatic (ask them to gas him in his cage before the examination next time--it seems cruel, but it's much easier for everyone concerned). I simply stopped going a few years ago because he's an indoor-only cat, and those visits were taking a year off my life and his. Terrible, I know. Honestly, the only thing that helped a little bit was having another cat around who had been properly socialized. My cat was fascinated with the kitten I introduced into his world years ago, and he is now as protective of that cat as he is of me. Of course, introducing a new cat is a dangerous proposition for cats like ours, since you never know how they'll react. Plus, it's not so nice for the kitten to have to learn to deal with a neurotic brute.

Good luck to you--I've made peace with my decision, but I certainly felt exactly like you did three years into it.

Please do get in touch with Elizabeth Fulton, an amazing woman in the Bay Area who founded the Animal Healing Institute, http://www.healingforanimals.com/. She specializes in Reiki for animals, and has worked with Animal Shelters, Guide Dogs for the Blind, Elephant sanctuaries -- just read the stories and testimonials from the professionals at these organizations and many of her other clients at her website. She works with dogs, cats, birds, horses, you name it, many of which have behavioral or socialization problems, and people swear by her. She can also work from a distance, and I can tell you from experience it's just as effective. I really can't tell you how precisely HOW it works, but I CAN say that I was led to her through a series of odd coincidences when my cat was dying, and the experience was profound and just kind of extraordinary and lovely to witness. My vet was astounded by how much longer he lived after his diagnosis of cancer, and I know the quality of his life was vastly improved throughout.

She's a warm, sharp, lovely person and I know she can at least offer a few words of very useful advice if you send her an email or give a call. I wish you the best of luck!