Letters to the Editor
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She is a child to you
I am not talking about your ages; I'm talking about the way you talk about her. I am not categorically against relationships between people of vastly different ages, but your attitude toward her sounds unhealthily paternal. Either that's annoying her and she's trying to manipulate you into breaking up with her, or she loves it and is playing the prescribed role of doe-eyed innocent. With codependents like these, who needs drugs?
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If I were deeply cyncial I'd say
Hey sometimes the hooker dies. Call room service and have them send up another one. Look she wants to get wrecked and she wants your help. You want to play Big White Bwana daddy? See the problem is when my KIDS tell me I'm a hypocrite I say "Yeah, so what, the world is filled with hypocrisy, get used to it, minor!" But she is an adult and not your child. You can't really scold or micromanage her. Nor should you want to. Hey lay it out. This is what it can do, good, bad, etc. You decide. Beyond that it's not your problem.
And this just reinforces my deeply held belief that 28 is the new 16.
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I have a problem with both of them
Is there some point at which someone needs to grow the fuck up and stop using illegal drugs? Yes!!
Pot is illegal. Most companies have drug tests. And when you test positive for pot the company will NOT understand. Maybe the world shouldn't be that way, but that's the world we have. Any kind of illegal drug use is nothing more than a gamble with your future. As Clint Eastwood said, do you feel lucky?
So basically, we have a former addict/current stoner engaged to a wannabe addict. How wonderful. What a great future for any children produced by this relationship. No problem, when the cocaine baby is born "society" will take care of it. Or the woman can just have an abortion. Who cares? Hopefully the "happy couple" is infertile. Reading absurd shit like this makes me think that maybe the conservative Christians are right.
And while I'm on a rant, is there something wrong with normal consciousness? And by the way, my first wife was a drug user and alcoholic. Been there, done that, got the tshirt. Never again.
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Why is a 28 year-old woman just now coming around to experiment with drugs?
I'm 28 and I've had a "colorful" past, too. This woman's 28 and she's just now wanting to "experience" drugs? What was she doing between the ages of 17 to 23? There's a time and a place for drug experimentation and it's not when you're 28 and in love. You're supposed to be high everyday just from the experience of being in love with someone you admire and honor and who admires and honors you. I'm a single guy, mainly because my colorful past has taught me that to enter into relationships like this one usually end up in disaster. I find myself fairly annoyed by people like this guy and gal because it's of my belief that over half of relationships men and women enter into shouldn't exist in the first place. They do so because they would rather be anything than alone. And even though I admitedly get a bit jealous of couples that purport to be in love, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to enter into any more stupid relationships based on silly, immature "love". Besides, dude, she's 14 years younger than you. Just go out and buy a Harley and a boat and call it a midlife crisis.
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don't be confrontational
I think that Cary is right on with his advice. The only thing that I would add is that it is important to not be confrontational, to not make her think that you are trying to control her, and to not tell her that you think that she in particular is at risk. I would instead focus it more on yourself. That is, say something like "Look, I know that you want to have this experience and I understand why, but I have been down this road before and it is bad news. I won't go there again.I have seen too many people get messed up and I can't bear to see that happen to someone that I care about as much as I do you." The goal is to not piss her off and make her want to rebel against what you are saying.
Another angle to consider is that with the current state of drug laws (I am assuming that you are in the U.S.), there can be very serious legal consequences if you get caught even just as a user. I did a fair amount of different stuff in my college days. However, at this point in my life I have far to much too lose to even consider doing pot. I don't know if this line of reasoning would have any impact on her, but definitely consider it for your self before getting involved with illegal drugs again.
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Dear Deeply Conflicted, you’re Not Her Daddy.
So don’t behave like one. You’re 42 years old and have your own settled habits. You drink a bit of wine. You smoke a little pot. Nowhere in your letter did I read that you want to give up these things so that you can be a positive influence upon her. I am glad of that, because for a minute there I thought you were taking up foster care.
She is an adult. Twenty-eight, while young to your 42, does not mean she is either naïve or innocent. You should not pretend that she is. She should not pretend that she is. That would not be a good game for either of you. If she has unresolved Daddy-issues, allow her to resolve them without your help. Keep smoking your weed and drinking your wine.
However, if she lives with you, then both of you have a right to develop household boundaries. I would not live with someone who was doing serious drugs. I would not have such drugs in my house. I would not live with someone on the downhill road. If it is your home or you are paying at least half the rent, make that clear.
What you most want to avoid is supplying her with drugs. Good Daddies don’t do that for their little girls and she will never forgive you if you do. You also want to avoid acting like her warden. She won’t forgive that either. If you take a parental roll towards her, you will, whether you want to or not, become suddenly responsible for her decisions. One way or another, you will pay and pay and pay.
Once you have established the “No serious drugs in this house” rule, you can judge how the relationship is going by how much time she spends gone. Above all, treat her like an adult. When adults make bad decisions, life takes a bite out of them. You won’t have to punish her. Her own choices will do it for you; therefore, don’t fix any resulting problems for her.
About her work: Maybe you aren’t so cool with that either.