Letters to the Editor
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Mentally ill?
Sounds like your brother may have an undiagnosed issue. People don't generally turn their lives to shit without a good reason, so sitting him down might not be as useful as Cary wants you to believe. Reason only works with the reasonable, and it doesn't sound (from your very short letter) that your brother has been that in a while. Get him some professional help, and go from there. Good luck.
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This is really hard, but it could work
This was me when my sister was drinking. I had to do all this stuff. It was really hard. It really hurt like hell when she'd call me drunk and homeless and angry.
But she was stuck and I was stuck and that's what it took to get us both unstuck.
If he's an addict, then direct him towards rehab. If he's mentally ill, then direct him towards accepting treatment from a professional.
The important thing is to hold your ground, no matter how painful it feels at the time.
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But maybe he's just another psychopath
Not every messed-up person has mental illness or substance abuse as a cause/excuse. Some people just like to live off of other people and who better than guilt-ridden family? I know that the DSM-IV has all sorts of personality disorders but these are all just circular lists of bad behaviors. But even if you do believe in the validity of Anti-social Personality Disorder etc. there is no treatment other than age (the worst behaviors burn out after about age 40).
So follow Cary's advice. Cut the mooch off. Sink or swim. If you want to support someone or donate money find someone worthy who will benefit from the assistance. There is an endless sea of real need in the world. Don't waste charity or concern on psychic vampires.
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Strikes me as false.
When I read this letter I get the gut feeling that it's completely made up. Nobody could possibly be this obtuse without some itense rationalization, yet this letter is missing that. It's just a plain "My brother is a loser who is sponging off me, what oh what could I possibly do to remedy this?" Gosh.
I feel it in my gut, I know it from the language, the author of this letter is a liar and just wanted attention.
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He may be mentally ill
But that doesn't mean you can compel him to accept treatment. You can only commit him if he is a danger to himself or others. Not holding down a job doesn't count.
Make a decision that you want to help your brother, but not enable him. That means you don't help him continue his lifestyle by paying for anything. Maybe he'll end up homeless. Sometimes people need a real disincentive to turn things around. Do things for him that give him no financial reward, like investigate job training or education. If he chooses not to accept your help, then that's his choice. By continuing to help him skate by isn't doing you or him any favors.
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BTDT
and ain't doing it no more.
My brother has always been a liar. He was on his 4th marriage when he decided that he'd rather not be bothered with those pesky kids of his and his nagging wife, so he lied to her about moving back home (on the other side of the country). Our mother took in his wife and kids, waiting for brother to tie up loose ends and come get them. But my brother set off to find himself other girlfriends.
For 3 years.
He sent no money, made no phone calls to his children, it was utter chaos and it broke my Mom's heart, not to mention destroyed any faith the kids had in their father.
The good news? When our father nearly died, brother came around. He was 35 at the time, so it was about damn time. It's been a couple of years and he has changed a lot, but there is still the lurking suspicion that one day he might just pack it in and run off. One thing is for sure-- when everybody stopped picking up his messes, he stopped making them.
I don't think my brother is or was mentally ill. He used other people, period. He has the capacity for remorse, but he chose not to respond to those feelings.
You can't help someone who won't even try to help himself. Stop ruining your life and your marriage by helping him. I wish the best for you and your family, and I hope that your brother gets his act together and realizes what a great sister he has.
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It's not just your own self-preservation
You have your kids and your husband to care about.
You need to realize the risks you are taking -- you helped him rent a car .. in your name! an erratic, perhaps mentally ill, likely alcoholic, maybe drug abusing former (or current) felon. Why? You do know that you are responsible? What if he wrecks the car? What if he kills someone? What if he uses it to commit other crimes? The rental company or insurer would be fully justified for chasing you -- you realize that. Was he listed as a driver or are you the listed driver. Did you tell the rental company the truth -- the whole truth -- you know you did not, because if you had, he would not have got the car.
Why do you think he has two hours a day . . . that is pretty odd, few employers can find anyone useful for a 2-hour day ... it sounds like he has been fired. Why is your aunt kicking him out? Who talked her into taking him in at the beginning? You?
Your husband is upset ... I'd be beside myself. Not only that, if he went to a lawyer about this and said: "my wife is doing this . . . her brother comes first . . . it's a threat to the kids" you must realize he would have a fair case. He could ask for an order of protection against the brother and YOU! That is correct, if you are going as far as your letter suggests, your husband could seek an order controlling your access to YOUR kids and he might well get it (and most jurisdictions can supply such an order, in many cases kicking you out of the family home.) If you separate or divorce this situation would be strong grounds for him to receive custody. And I suspect you will receive little sympathy from your family or friends.
It's your brother (ultimately an adult responsible for himself) or your kids. If the advice to stop enabling is not penetrating, you need to get your head around what this could cost you, personally, and your kids. And you need to grasp something, your brother probably does not give a shit!
Meanwhile, if your husband is reading this, for the sake of the kids it's time to go see a lawyer -- maybe he already has.
All of this may seem harsh, but you seem totally clueless about the situation you are in. You seem unable to recognize that your brother is a user (who know why, the drugs, the alcohol, mental illness, just being "a shit," it does not matter) and that you seem to have "issues" that make you manipulable by him. But this has to end . . . and if you were to go see a lawyer right now, perhaps in response to your husband giving you papers, this is what the lawyer would tell you, because you cannot rescue clients from themselves.