Letters to the Editor
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this letter...
I don't post to the letters section very often. But something about this letter made me- on the scale of LWs, this guy's perception of things is so off as to make one stand up and cry, WHAT THE HELL?
I'm picturing this poor guy. Old, but not too old. Living in a house with his wife and his stepdaughter, to whom he has some attachment, maybe love. He's in pain, he's sad. He may have all sorts of character flaws, but they aren't the subject here. He's mortal. The nicest of people would be mute and depressed under these circumstances. He's taking drugs, just trying to stay alive. And- and-
Just who the hell is that guy? Jenny brought him over last week, didn't she? What happened to the other one, the guy she was going to take her to Florida? I thought she was getting things in order for herself. What happened? Who is this kid in my living room? Seems flaky, a little desperate. Is Jenny going to stay here and watch "Law and Order" with me or not?
As if it matters. Crap.
(Grow up, kid. It's about time!)
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once again, wow
Mikerm5255. Dude. Seriously. You're way scarier than the last Letter Writer, who was a piece of work. You are literally scaring people here. Step back and think about that. People aren't jumping to call you a sociopath because they like kicking people who are down, they literally think you are a very scary person, because you have said things which are scary. Please don't continue to dismiss that.
The scariest bit of your original letter was where you talked about asserting your "rights, indeed, as a man." Now, that's the sort of thing people say who later turn out to shoot your whole family because of some long-cherished grudge about something you had no idea they were even mad about. You have no "rights, indeed, as a man," to force a dying man to exchange pleasantries with you when you visit his house to pick up his stepdaughter. You have no "rights, indeed, as a man," to expect the stepdaughter to lecture her dying father on your behalf. Pleasant conversation is nice, certainly, but not a right. The sort of man who insists on his "rights" in every interaction isn't someone the rest of us want to be around. If you are not, in fact, that sort of person; if this phrase in your letter was an ill-conceived aberration - you need to quickly explain it, because that phrase was scary.
You just wrote in to confirm the essential facts of your original letter - you're feeling pissed off because a dying man is "a complete asshole" to you, based on his failure to accept you and show common courtesy. Sorry, buddy, but that ain't the definition of an asshole. Following the restatement of your original grievance, you expounded on your new grievance: none of us here think you are the bright shining center of the universe either. Sorry about that.
I'm a little saddened by the failure of Cary's advice, which was in fact advice, kindly and written for your own good, to reach its intended target. It STILL hasn't occurred to you to consider the possibility that you really aren't the bright and shining center of the universe. An entire forum full of people in unanimous agreement can't reach you, because you have placed yourself outside the reach of anyone. There is no argument that can possibly persuade you if you close your ears to all arguments.
What advice would have been more acceptable? Break up with your girlfriend, she sounds like a bitch? Kick that old man to the curb, you're a man by God and he needs to know it? Here's a kind and thoughtful way to insist on your rights in someone else's house and force those ingrates to recognize how wonderful you are and appreciate your contributions to their happiness? What exactly were you EXPECTING TO HEAR?
Shake yourself. Slap yourself. Go look in the mirror. Do anything, for heaven's sake, but take those fingers out of your ears and actually listen to what people are saying.
I'll even give you some short-term, useful advice for dealing with this uncomfortable situation as a bonus. You mention that your conversational overtures hang in empty air. That doesn't sound very fun. Tell your girlfriend, "You know, I'm worried that I bother your father, he doesn't seem to have the energy for entertaining strangers right now. Would you mind terribly HURRYING THE HELL UP when I come over to pick you up and not leaving him to entertain me? It's not really fair to him." That's the way to get your problem dealt with without placing demands on someone dying who owes you nothing.
P.S. for the other forum goers: Late twenties is too old to use "he's young" as an excuse. If a man over the age of 25 wants to continue to be an asshole, he needs to find a new reason. ;)
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I've been where the step dad is...
LW, you are only a recent boyfriend. The stepdad doesn't know if you are here today, gone tomorrow, why on earth should he care about you? I HAVE CANCER AND I AM DYING. I can tell you that terminal illness narrows your focus considerably. Cary was right on the money this time, the guy doens't care about you, and there is no reason he should. If you really want to be a man, do what Cary suggests. Focus on your girlfriend. Help the guy if you can. YOU are not the focus here, you're a side-player in one of the toughest plays any of us will ever star in. If you can't, if you can only focus on your feelings of this memoment, the stepdad might not be an asshole, the asshole sounds to be you.
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the smell test
LW,
by the approximately 100 odd letters that are uniformly aghast by your letters, do you realize just how tempered Cary was actually being? could he have been even more tempered? yes. so why wasn't he? you've read him before, he is genuinely sensitive and wants to help people. so what made Cary cold and sarcastic towards you? maybe something just smelled wrong, even rotten about youand your letter.
I read the comment defining a sociopath and one characteristic was lack of empathy. that means other people do have empathy and they can tell when someone does not... even if all the facts are not on the table.