Letters to the Editor
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Oh pooh! I think he made it all up.
I think he is a frustrated, would-be novelist who wanted to see if he could construct a believable character in a letter to Cary.
LW, you overdid the self-centered aspect. Few people are that cluelessly self-absorbed.
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I was simply trying to be honest, to point out that I had been really, really trying to be accepted by this woman's family
LW, if you really want to be honest, why don't you tell us your real age? Come on and clarify that little point. I double-dog dare ya!
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Self-absorbed
I hate to be disagreeable, but I've known a few people who are that self-absorbed and selfish; they demand all the attention and the air in the room they inhabit.
They are prima donnas and emotional blackmailers. If the LW of the second letter is the same one who wrote to Cary, he is an idiot to assume the mantle of injured pride and hurt feelings when everyone on this thread takes him to task for his attitude towards a man he barely knows, and who is dying. He wanted attention by writing to Cary, and he got it.
If he is in his fifties as some think, he obviously never grew up emotionally, and wants to play the pity game.
If he is in his twenties, he is a young fool who should learn his manners, shut up and grow up.
Respect is earned, not demanded.
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Thanks LW
I am a female in her late 20's and thanks so much for reminding me why I don't date men my age! Practically every guy I do subtly makes everything about himself while trying to make it look like he's not being a drama-queen (the corrollary being the self-absorbed, pampered female version in my age group who IS an overt drama queen - another archetype I avoid altogether). Seriously now hon, grow the hell up - your girlfriend's dad is dying and instead of writing a letter to Cary asking how you can deal with what will most likely be her insurmountable grief soon enough you rant about how this dying man doesn't acknowledge your presence - not pick fights with you - but not acknowledge your presence. How the hell does that translate into a catastrophic asshole?? At least he's not being openly hostile to you! May I remind you the man is DYING. He has heart problems. He is in physical pain. He is also on meds and living with all their uncomfortable side effects. He is leaving behind 3 surviving family members. It's safe to assume he and everyone else in his household knows he will die most likely very soon and are contemplating what an enormous change that will be in everyone's lives. Bringing flowers on appropriate occasions, while a nice gesture, doesn't automatically translate into you being a supportive boyfriend. If you want to be good to your girlfriend, try reaching out to her about this very hard time. And picking her up somewhere else as opposed to home is quite frankly some form of emotional blackmail that she should confront her stepdad as a test of love to you - admit it, that's your modus operandi with that tactic. I have news for you, as nice as you are, no woman in her sane mind will pick a dying parent over their boyfriend. How about following Cary's advice instead and taking this as a test to your own masculinity? Bite your tongue and accept the dying man's indifference to you and when times get really hard, give a shoulder to your girl to cry on instead of some flowers.
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I just had another revelation
Maybe LW likes competing with other men? First he competes for fair maiden's affections from her supposedly useless ex and now he's competing with her dying dad? Only dying dad is too buzzed on meds and when he comes down to earth he is in too much pain and too worried about his surviving family to play the game. Like a disgruntled child waiting impatiently for the game to start LW is now sulking.
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close reading
A close reading of your letter is illustrative, Mike. You call the stepfather “complete and total asshole” but fail to substantiate it, demanding that the reader accept your judgment with no more explanation than the trenchant declaration “there you have it.” You boldly declare “Let it be known” that you are a decent guy and a “very good boyfriend.” Most humble (normal) people do not so confidently assert such things, but rather say things like “I try my hardest to do the right thing.” You express pleasure and pride in the fact that you induced your now-girlfriend to break up with her boyfriend of four years “over the phone,” which to most people is not actually a marker of good behavior on anyone’s part. You take for granted that the fact that the father treats you “diffidently” reflects on you – rather than on the fact that he is ill, and perhaps was an introvert to begin with. You reflect only on the “personal difficulties” faced by a person dealing with others illnesses and the discomforts the sick cause to the healthy, again focusing on the impact on you rather than trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
In short, Mike, you come off like a controlling, aggressive, self-centered boy. You may not actually be this kind of person deep down inside, but that’s how you present yourself. Keep this in mind when you encounter the next person who seems to be treating you “diffidently.”
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Wow, I read the letter and applauded Cary's response!
Wow this letter and the supposed follow up letter were just the epitomy of self centeredness, all about what he wants. He wants to get ingratiated with the family, but that damn dying old man won't be nice to him! Not one concrete reason why this dad is an asshole beyong he only says hello once in a while and generally ignores you. There needs to be more than ignoring social niceties to be labled asshole.
I don't know what you think, but many many people don't include someone they've been dating for 3 months into family events or the family life. Bringing a date home to meet mom and dad is usually a big deal and it's just by happenstance that you met her family at all because she lives with them. If she didn't live with her family would you be bitching that her roommates don't spend all their time trying to get to know you?
So dude I don't know what your problem is, but it is not that this dying man who's waiting for a new heart isn't all gracious and chatty with you and really doesn't care that you exist. Gee it couldn't be that he's resentful that some guy who he doesn't know is coming into his home and trying to make small talk when he's dying. He couldn't be slightly resentful that in his last moments of life, in his weakened state some young buck is coming in making demands on his time and insisting on some sort of pat on the back for rescuing his daughter from a life in Florida.
Were you seriously expecting a thank you? Do you seriously thing that she would have up and moved if it hadn't been for you oh shining knight in armor? Perhaps you think you weild much more influence that in reality, she realized that she didn't like Florida dude enough to leave her family, business and you were just a oh, there are other man besides Florida no-goodnick.
So dude, I dare ya, write back with exactly how this man with heart failure is neglecting to treat you hospitably and why this makes him an asshole. Because all your second letter was, was a big ass whine fest equal to that of a teenager who's just been told something about themselves that they don't like and who's only retort is but you don't know me!!!! Of course we don't know you, you don't know Florida man either but you feel confident calling him names. All we know is that this family is dealing with a major life changing event and all you can think about is yourself, how you want to be a part of this family and he's not letting you or something and that your girlfriend isn't insisting he play nice with you and so that makes you pissed at her. Also, I agree with another poster, you are engaging in emotional blackmail, well darling if you won't make your dying daddy be nice to me and make small talk and engage in social ettiquite, well then I'm not picking you up at home, do you stomp your feet and pout like a 5 yr old too?
Have you proposed? If not, then all you are is some guy their kid is dating, this does not give you all access to family life.