Letters to the Editor
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it might be meds
Before you dismiss this guy as a complete, unmitigated dick, you should find out what meds he's on and what the side effects are. There are some heart medications out there that really do a number on one's personality. A dear friend's father was on such drugs throughout high school and he was an abusive bastard to her for many years. After a major heart incident he changed medications and while he wasn't exactly transformed overnight into Santa Claus, he did start treating her much more like a human being than he had before.
Don't get me wrong - even knowing that his dick behavior is caused by the chemicals that keep him alive won't stop the hurt sometimes. He's still treating you like shit. But sometimes, when you're in a good mood and things are going great with you and your lady, you can idly wonder if there's a nice guy under the heart meds, and maybe that'll help a little.
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In short, without my presence, she would have moved away, and (in all likelihood) she would have been absent from a large part of the end of her stepfather's life.
Don't flatter yourself. Grown stepdaughters in the house are not something any sane person desires. It doesn't sound like a good job was keeping her around. Some other guy in another state was going to support her, 'til you stepped in. This man has good reason to LOATHE you. I doubt you have done him any sort of favor. No one owes you any gratitude.
Don't be a jackass. He's a STEP-father, not her father. Her mother's husband. She is not his primary caregiver. Is she? You are not 'a part of the family', and if they wanted you to 'take part' they would invite you. After breaking-up a 4 year relationship, you are who?
Don't yet think you are a 'complete and total asshole'? Check again. 'Cause flowers don't make a good partner. You have started to resent your girlfriend for what? Please. Talk about 'no account'. Do you live with your parents too?
Don't start thinking you have any rights 'as a man' under another man's roof. Fight your own daddy if you have something to prove. Cary was very kind to you by focusing on the dying man's needs instead of your weak character.
You have a lot to learn about being a man, angry little boy. Get started.
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Cary's right!!!!
Perfecto! Exactly what I was thinking as I read the letter.
Try being near death sometime. It has a way of winnowing things down - waaaaaay down. If that doesn't include you, don't take it personally, fer crissakes.
(I wonder when you'll be getting LW's gf's letter about being involved with a self-absorbed prick, Cary?) ;)
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Brilliant!
Cary, what a wonderfully thoughtful letter.
LW, you are a newcomer in this man's life. You may be the man who will spend the rest of your life with his stepdaughter, but right now you are a veritable stranger, a rebound guy who came on the scene while she still was in a relationship, however bad it was. The fact is that she is moving on with her life, that she has a life while he is losing his, that he won't be there to get to know you even if he did like you. The fact is that you may be a great guy, or just another obstacle to her getting a real life of her own. It could be the stepdaughter learned to be submissive from him, and he's happy to have her back under his control and sees you as a threat.
Look at the odds from his side of the game table. He has to put forth a huge amount of the little energy he has left to get to know someone who may or may not be around in two months, when he may not be around in two months.
Cary's right about putting him above yourself, about using this as a lesson in learning about life itself. Have you shown any interest in this man's life? Have you picked up a photo album and asked him to talk about the photos, about what's important to him? Have you asked him to give you something of himself, some story or memory, to keep after he's gone?
If the meds haven't fogged his brain (and my dad got pretty fogged up when he was dying) and even if they have, talking about himself may let him connect with something inside himself beyond the pain and the dying. Asking her to help in that discussion will let you see the two of them together. You can observe whether she is capable of a healthy relationship or whether the unhappy relationship you "saved her from" was really just repeating a pattern she learned from him. Maybe she chooses bad relationships. Maybe she chooses "saviors" to avoid a life. Maybe you're a rebound guy and don't know it.
There are way too many maybes here to be talking about marriage. She needs time to deal with the grieving over the last relationship, time to deal with the loss of her stepfather, time to be as involved in his dying process as she needs to be without feeling like she has to make a choice between him and you. Now that I think of it, there is a demanding tone in your letter that is a little disturbing. Maybe she needs time to explore that.
Step back. Be supportive. Be patient. Be busy with your own life and let her have some space.
There is so much to learn from this whole experience. And you don't have much time.
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Maybe you're not that memorable or interesting
Maybe you're true love #29 in this girls' life. Maybe you really are an asshole.
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Yes, the LW IS "an angry little boy"
". . . he continues to treat me diffidently, occasionally deigning to grant me a 'hello,' but for the most part, he acts as if I am not there. He has zero interest in me as a person, never bothers to ask me any questions about myself or my family, and allows my attempts at conversations to hang in the air in an awkward silence."
That's all you got? He's basically indifferent to you, and not interested in entertaining and pulling your life story out of you? And for this he's a dick?
Have you even discussed with your girlfriend what the stepfather was like BEFORE he got sick? Maybe he was much more involved in his surroundings. And, believe me, until this relationship gets bigger wings, you ARE just surroundings. The stepfather is probably preoccupied, depressed, facing up to a possible fear of death, and wondering how long he has, and you're writing a letter about what a dick he is because he ignores you?
Cary was a lot nicer to you than you deserve. But he was right about one thing. You are NOT the center of the universe.
The stepfather has not been overtly rude to you. You didn't say that he has insulted you in words or told you to f*** off, or challenged your manhood. THAT is rudeness. He just seems to tune you out. Maybe you bore him, or irritate him, and his demeanor is actually a form of politeness.
Cary is right. Let it go.