Letters to the Editor
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"It is Thursday and I am out of empathy. "
Cary makes The Baby Jesus smile. The Baby Jesus does not empathize with non-dilemmas any day of the week.
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I was married to a male adult child....run away! run away!
Dear LW - the semi-adult I was married to was spoiled, manipulative, and incredibly selfish. Same kind of lover as you described too. Those traits got worse, I would give in when he would whine, then hated myself for giving in, then more whining. Then he'd give me something to make up for whatever and it was horrible. It got bad. Very bad. The marriage ended with my second suicide attempt. After my first suicide attempt, he didn't tell anyone that he had figured out that I wanted to die. Nope. As long as things went his way, more often than not, it didn't matter. He loves you "in his way" as you said, but that isn't love.
Run away!
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Reading between the lines...
As a person who has been tempted--and followed through with--the fantasy that there is someone *better* out there I just *know* feels the same about me, I'm sort of a like a reformed smoker: I've got a bit of disdain for self-centered LW. She needs to go, yes, but running into the arms of poor Bill isn't the answer. Odds are she'll be feeling exactly the same way about Bill a few years hence. I struggle with this myself fairly often-I want the person I'm with to meet my needs, just as I expect a soda machine to spit out a coke when I put my change in. People just aren't there to make it all better for you or for me, LW. Sad but true. But be fair to Jim and let him have a chance with someone who respects him. That would not be you.
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LW should read her own letter
It is virtually impossible to have a meaningful discussion with him, or even an intelligent one.
'Nuf said.
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Cary's right...and wrong
When a relationship is over, when it's reached the end of the road, you don't need excuses to leave; you've already got your reason. The LW and her boyfriend are clearly two different and incompatible people. That's it. So Cary is right, end the relationship and don't just go exiting one highway of love for another immediately...take some time.
But here's my addendum: don't just disappear as Cary suggested (unless you have reason to fear a violent or abusive reaction, if that is the case, then do disappear).
I've had the whole "gone with the wind" treatment used on me (including phone calls later saying "sorry, didn't know what to say") and I can tell you absolutely that if you really want to bring about one of those painful events you said you wished would happen, this is the best possible way to do it. Especially after a relationship that lasted a few years, and one that LW's boyfriend probably still thinks is fine. That kind of blindside will hurt plenty and will likely last a while.
But he doesn't deserve that. Sorry, but no.
He may well be as immature as LW suggests (or she may just be looking for validation to terminate and run to "Bill"), but this man DID support her and help to facilitate LW getting a better life: therapy, returning to school, a home, health. Maybe he is a bit of a kid, but he's a kid with a heart and LW does not have permission to simply rip it out (the break-up will break it enough, but not so badly that he won't be able to pick it up and get over it).
So have a little heart, say goodbye, and end the relationship.
You both can do better.
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I'm with Lola
...on this one. I am skeptical when someone wants out of a relationship and suddenly finds him or herself besotted with someone conveniently/inconveniently "across the country."
Don't move for a person, move for yourself! It sounds like the relationship you are in is dependent on you being a patient of some sort -- as long as you were "sick," the relationship worked. Perhaps as the weaker person, you were more equal to Jim, who sounds a bit stunted. Now that you are strong, the relationship no longer works.
If the sex isn't good, and the conversation isn't good, what is left?
Leave, and make the vow I made to myself: No more only children! I, too, have known more than one man who is an only child, and the essential selfishness is insurmountable. They can't help it, it's who they are and what they know. Sharing and compromise are unknowns in their landscape. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I haven't met one yet.
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No future
It sounds like there is no future for this relationship, but there is a certain irony here that this man picked up the tab for this mentally ill woman to have medication and therapy and now that she has been therapized, she has discovered that he is not good enough for her!
Poor Bill! He had better watch out.
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Uhhh What Changed ?
It seems to me the way the LW describes her boyfriend, he was never very interesting to her....or did something change ? Sounds to me like she has gotten everything she needs from him, financially, emotionally, mentally....and is now ready to leave. How convenient !
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Am I the only one...
...who distrusts this LW? You don't have to read BETWEEEN the lines, it was all right there IN the lines, to wit:
• she wasn't doing much before she met Jim
• she's availed herself of his wealth and generosity and is the better for it
• the reason the relationship isn't working is all Jim's fault
• she figures she's gotta move on while she's still got her looks
• she's decided that this new man is "the one" based on, well, nothing
Um, does the phrase "gold digger" ring any bells? I agree, she has to leave. You simply cannot continue to take advantage of someone you no longer love. But the idea that she's entitled to some sort of financial settlement, I mean give me a break! What were you thinking, Cary -- monthly "alimony" to finance her new life with Bill?
Time for this woman to stand on her own two feet.