Letters to the Editor
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insightful
Cary - that was a really insightful analysis of family dynamics. Useful, too, as there are somewhat similar dynamics among the women in my own family.
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Ok, time to re-ignite the "These letters are fake" fire
Cary, why is it that so many of your letter writers use exactly the same writing style? Are the real letters you get too boring? Or do you just not get enough letters?
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Oh, please.
You've applied those crazy Victorian masculinist notions about women from Freud here? You have got to be kidding me.
I suppose women all have a subconscious desire for penises, too. Yup, I'm just a mutilated male. I will never be whole.
By the way, to me, one of the most annoying things about being in a graduate program in lit is the absurd application of these misogynist and outdated ideas. I am really disappointed to see them here.
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With or without Freud, Cary's right.
We don't have to buy into Freud, or outdated patriarchal notions of gender dynamics, or anything else about Cary's answer that doesn't quite mesh with our own philosophy, to recognize that he's right (again): This isn't LW's story to share. So simple, really.
And even if you did, LW, how do you know you'd be believed? I'm not suggesting that you lack credibility with your family, only pointing out that shocking information tends to be met with disbelief.
Also recognize that if you tell, your sister is going to have a scarlet A around her neck for the rest of her life in your family. What she's doing isn't right, but is lifelong family stigma really a just punishment? (It might not last the rest of her life -- people can display astonishing tolerance when they really love someone -- but given your family's history, I'm not so sure.) Don't you want her to remove MM from her life and move on? What if you bare your soul to your mother and other siblings -- and the next day your sister calls with the joyous news that she's dumped MM, met a wonderful single guy, and has never been happier?
So discretion is definitely the better part of valor here. Good luck.
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Editor Wanted
The whole thing should have been edited down to:
LETTER: My sister is having an illicit affair. I'm sworn to secrecy, but I think maybe I should tell the rest of my family.
RESPONSE: M.Y.O.B.
The rest of the familial dynamics nonsense I blame on Dr. Drew. Start channeling Ann Landers instead.
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The other reason for the letter
The LW should not disclose her sister's secret, but she obviously needs some kind of change in the dynamic between herself and her sister, or else she would not have felt driven to write in the first place.
I was in a similar position a few years back, albeit with a now ex-friend who was cheating on his then-girlfriend instead of a relative dating a cheater, and I realized that what bothered me was the friend's insistence upon confiding details of the infidelity to me, knowing that it bothered me. So I told the friend that I did not want to hear another word about the cheating, and whenever the friend tried to push that boundary, I held firm, right down to the tactic of sticking my fingers in my ears and saying "La la la - I can't hear you."
I knew I couldn't change my ex-friend's behavior toward his then-girlfriend, but I could at least stop him from any further insertion of the gory details into my life, and while the friendship did end at a later time, the issue of the cheating was not the reason for that ending.
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Keeping Secrets
It seems to me that if your sister really wanted to keep this affair a secret, she wouldn't have told you. Ben Franklin was right when he said that three can keep a secret only if two are dead. Maybe telling you was her way of saying, "I seem to be powerless over this area of my life. I need someone else to change the dynamic so that I can break free."
"This is not my story to tell" just sounds like really wimpy version of "Stop Snitchin'." If your roommate is a rapist, you tell. If your nephew is headed for death by overdose, you tell. And if your sister is headed for an emotional breakdown that could cost her everything she's worked so hard for, you tell.
Maybe she doesn't think she wants help. But that doesn't mean she doesn't need it. Doing nothing isn't the way to find out.
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Writing style
You know, the previous poster who noted the similarity in writing style of ALL of the letters is absolutely right - they ARE all written in exactly the same style - exactly.
You know, the previous poster who noted the similarity in writing style of ALL of the letters is absolutely right - they ARE all written in exactly the same style - exactly.
You know...
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Risking the wife's health as well as her happiness
I'm surprised that no one has brought up the issue of herpes. I'll assume that the sister's married lover knows that she has herpes (and thus is not being put at risk w/o his knowledge and consent), but his wife certainly doesn't know! Since he's obviously sexually active with his wife, there's no way that this affair doesn't directly expose her to a very unpleasant risk.
No matter how many precautions the sister and her lover are taking (drugs, condoms, not having sex when she's having an outbreak) there is always a risk of transmitting the virus. He might be a carrier now even if he doesn't have symptoms. So the sister's transgression is not just an emotional violation -- she is putting the health of her lover's wife at risk.
If I were in the LW's position, I would tell my wayward sister that while I usually try not to pass judgment, the herpes issue makes it impossible for me to ignore the wrongness of what she is doing, and that if she doesn't end the affair right away, permanently, I would make it my business to inform the lover's wife. Seriously. No matter what harm to the family dynamics might ensue. The sister's behavior is incredibly callous and reckless. Just because some creep willingly infected her doesn't give her the right to carelessly expose others to herpes. My goodness, isn't that a no-brainer?