For the first time Cary has written a reply that gets to the point and covers each issue, with very good advice, I might add.

No meandering, musings or other mental masturbations, just the facts.

In the future, LW, try not to feel obligated to answer the phone caller just because they called you. I used to think that if someone asked me for information or advice that I had to give it, however inappropriate it may have been of the person to ask or of me to answer. I got over that.

When someone uses you for a reference, the prospective employer usually asks 'Would you rehire this person?' This is the secret HR code that avoids lawsuits and bloodshed.

When you say 'yes', that is a positive recommendation. When you say 'no', that is a negative one.

If they don't ask, and you don't want to lie, just say 'I would not rehire that person' and leave it at that.

If someone is rude enough to use you for a reference without asking, you can be factual about their qualifications for the job without directly disparaging them.

Many companies have this policy as a defense against potential lawsuits, so it's not unreasonable to say it's your own personal policy too. The writer could just say "I prefer not to provide specific information in cases like this and can confirm that he was employed here during..." and specify a period of time.

Asperger's Syndrome.

Cary left out what should have been the last line of his response if you actually follow his advice: And then prepared to be fired (or at least have your career progression promptly derailed).

Unfortunately, some times (i.e., virtually every time) it's actually better to just suck up to the powers that be. Yes, you'll be a sick, pathetic, soul-sucking sycophant in your organization. But then again, in a short amount of time you'll be at the top of the heap of pathetic sycophants and then the other pathetic losers in the organization will be left to offer undeserved professional recommendations to your son out of fear of losing their jobs if the incur your wrath.

Be pragmatic at the bottom. Then enjoy the top.

I agree with everything Cary wrote until he said this:

"Then, having said all that, tell him that as a consequence of his having gone about it in the wrong way, you are not going to give him any more references. He is going to have to start over from scratch with someone else. "

I think the correct direction to take it from where Cary left off, before he got to that part, is to instead tell him that he cannot use you as a reference again because you feel unprepared to do that, as a colleague, and that he needs to instead ask his former supervisor for a reference. Simple as that. Why do you have to come out the bad guy at all? Just be really kind in tone while you are telling him, but firm as well... and just point him in the right direction.

Admittedly, the son made a common rookie mistake in listing the LW as a reference without checking first. But I would think that the letter writer should recuse himself anyway, regardless of the son's performance or idiosyncracies, simply the LW's boss is the applicant's father. If I were a potential employer, I certainly would not trust a reference from someone who works for the applicant's father. Yes, call the son and explain the requirements of business etiquette, but the reason not to give any more references is as simple as, "I can't give you a reference because I work for your dad." And simply mentioning this fact to anyone else who does call to check a reference might be enough to end the phone call.

I don't believe for a second that the LW's professional reputation is at stake here. All he has to do is highlight the former employee's positive traits and minimize his negative ones, and walk away unscathed. If he is getting multiple calls, then it becomes a problem, but assuming this guy gets the job, the LW won't be hearing from anyone again on the matter.

If the LW does get multiple calls, to the point of discomfort, he might want to follow Cary's advice.

But when was the last time you heard of anybody having any backlash because they gave a positive reference for somebody?

to give him the reference. Yes, it was wrong of him to put you down without asking, but I think he deserves the reference.

Why? Because he’s young. It’s really, really tough to be young in the professional world, with absolutely no experience to prove to yourself or potential employers your worth. You claim nepotism got him his job at your work. Maybe so. But look at your own description of him:

insecure, mumbling and inability to make eye contact were standard whether he was under any particular stress or not. He was paralyzed by indecision and lack of self-confidence and had to be hand-held through the simplest tasks.

And as you yourself emphasize

He had zero initiative because of these confidence and communication issues.

He’s clearly not the spoiled son expecting to coast by. He’s insecure, inexperienced, and seems to be trying. It's often harder for the child of a successful parent to believe in himself, harder to establish self-worth. Look at the children of famous people. I'm not saying that's a lifelong excuse. But I'm saying we can cut kids some slack.

I can’t believe your reputation hinges on his. You have your own career, your own work history to rely upon. And it's a single reference on a single occasion. As time goes on, his employment history will speak for his abilities or lack thereof.

Cary's suggestion of an e-mail offering guidence but kindly making the point that you must asked beforehand in the future is spot on...though I think telling Dad is pretty useless and more likely with increase rather than alleviate the drama.

Just remember we all start out young and scared. Being the boss’ son doesn’t magically obliterate that. In some instances, it might exacerbate the problem.

It's so easy to take a callous, cut-throat-business approach. I'm glad you didn't.