Letters to the Editor
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Wow
Reluctant Mommy writes:
While I love my twins, I don't enjoy being a parent.
I thought I was the only person on earth who felt that way. I love my child, but I genuinely hate parenting. I hate the noise, the mess, the dearth of leisure time. I can't stand dinnertime and showertime and brushing teeth time and bedtime. I absolutely detest diaper bags and bottle bags and brightly-colored plastic toys. I think car seats are from the devil.
I have been living with condemnation over these feelings for the entire time that I have been a parent. My spouse knows I don't love doing these things and considers me an abomination, something subhuman.
The last thing on earth I would ever want is another child. The only way I would even consider it is if my spouse agreed to an arrangement such as the one Cary recommends to Reluctant Mommy. Good call, Cary. If this woman wants to save her sanity and her marriage, this is the best bet.
The only other way is to agree not to have an abortion, and then have it anyway and say it was a miscarriage.
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Good solution
The proposal is an excellent one. And, as indicated, no one knows what will happen once the new baby enters the family life. Yes, make the father rear the child and let the mother carry on with her other goals and plans. It is a truly reasonable and fair solution. After all, the two of them are married and marriage involves sacrifice on both parts. Well, a sacrifice implies we don't get everything we want---but with the baby, they might find that will get much more, including happiness.
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it's just not that hard, hotfoot
i took care of my daughter pretty much full time from when she was four months old. i was entranced with her. i didn't mind diapering her any more than i do wiping myself. a baby quickly becomes part of you. my wife didn't go for the "breast feed till first grade" school of thought. she didn't cotton to it. formula works. i was forty when she was born. i didn't think it was going to happen - so it was a miracle, a deep fulfullment. she's now big, but we still maintain a wonderful and close relationship. and she also gets along with her mother really well. it worked out very well - and like cosmic mojo said, financial ability had the most say in the decision, but we were temperamentally suited to our roles as well. our boys still live with us and as far as i'm concerned that's fine, they can stay here forever (i'd like them to earn some money, though). i realize you have to be L*U*C*K*Y but when it runs smooth, parenting is really the easiest thing in the world.
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Marriage Isn't Just About You
Marriage isn't just about fulfilling your needs or wants, it's about fulfilling your partner's needs or wants too. I'm sure it would have been easier on him to find a childless woman that wanted kids, but instead he chose you & took on all your prior marriage baggage. As you said "I have two of my own", this "wonderful husband" deserves to have his "own" too.
If you abort this baby you'll be aborting the marriage too.
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Raising Kids
You do not have kids, do you, Cary?
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No kids for me!
So at most 2 years before I hit 30, I decided not to have children. I love children and babies, and all the squirreliness attached to loving and rasing them, but I just didn't want the responsibility. And I certainly don't want to be caught sticking with some guy because we share a child. Therefore, there's a level of responsiblity for self that I need to take. I'm planning to have my tubes tied.
I really don't like that LW is turning to abortion as a viable solution to recitify a problem that would have been solved by getting her tubes tied.
Her husband is fantasizing about parenthood. He's old and regretful, and when your kid is raised primarily by someone else, its convenient to want it. The abortion and denial of fatherhood is the type of issue that I've seen men consider to be a tie-breaker, especially ones who never cared about fatherhood before. Suddenly its all about the cycle of life, their own mortality, and this weird guilt because he put off fatherhood. I'm mean 47?! He had to know it was over, but as long as her tubes weren't tied, he didn't have face reality. More than likely, if she aborts her child the husband won't have another chance of spreeding his seed. But that's not LW's fault.
LW needs to do what's right for herself. But she also needs to realize that not making the hard decision before means that there may be hard consequences she'll to live with, like losing her husband. If he stays he might be totally unfair by resenting and punishing her her for it, but the alternative is being stuck with a child that is more hers than his.
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Landmine is an understatement
I am an older mommy of a toddler, who also has two teenagers. I think Cary's advice could be good, with the right father, but I just wanted to note a few things about being an older parent.
LW's experience of parenthood with her two children was most likely skewed by the hardship and conflict she experience with their father. There's no comparison between that experience and the experience of sharing in the joy of being a parent with a spouse who respects and nurtures you as well as the child.
I really concur with some of the posters who advocated that LW write down what her goals are, what she wants, and how she plans to achieve them, so that she can take them to her husband with the message: Are these goals even possible with another child? What are YOU going to do so that I can meet them even if we have this baby? The more concretely focused the conversation is, the more likely it is that they can find agreement. For instance, it's just possible that if the husband realizes that he will have to retire early and stay home in order to be fair to his wife, he will change his mind.
I know lots of fathers who are primary caregivers to their children, but there are lots of men who can't or won't do it.
And as for being a parent for the next 18 years -- I do sympathize! But I always stop myself when I realize that, first, I am going to be 18 years older (or not) no matter what, second, I live life in chunks not 18 year blocks, and third, it is possible to do a lot with children, especially if you are supported in your goals by your spouse.
I won't presume tell LW what she should do, but I think she should consider all the possibilities so that when she does make the awful trade off between her goals and her husband's, she will be convinced it was the right thing to do, and will not be plagued by what ifs. I wish her the best of luck.