Letters to the Editor
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"Haven't you even considered giving the child up for adoption?? At least your husband would still have a biological child, and with an open adoption, he could still be a part of the child's life."
Omg, this is even worse tha Cary's advice. LW, don't do this.
Think of YOURSELF!
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Absurd
Sorry, I'm with Cary 95% of the time - but here he stumbles on his own manhood. Have the husband be the primary caregiver, raise the kid?? Ain't gonna happen - especially not in those earliest, mommy-centric days and years. The LW knows and understands this instinctively. Cary does not, and neither, presumably, does her husband or her male OB-GYN.
It amazes me how sensible, pragmatic people can turn to runny molasses whenever the topic turns to kids. A pregnancy, a child - these quickly become more than just the awe-inspiring "miracles" Cary cloudily invokes. A kid is not a symbol, a Russian doll you pop out and place on a shelf, dust once in a while waiting for it to produce its own mini-me. It is, most of all, let's be honest, back-breaking, never-ending, manual labor. Some of that labor, biologically speaking, can only be done by the mother; much of the rest will be expected to be shouldered by her. It's in our social DNA, if not our actual DNA. This is why even the most enlightened fathers still are thought of as "helping" the mom do "her" duties. The LW seems to have been traumatised by her parenting experiences, and is rightfully ambivalent about serving another sentence.
Why does her husband want a child? The LW mentioned he'd been hedging his bets. Could he be ambivalent as well? After all, he's made it to his forties without one. I think a probing discussion is in order here, to really clarify both parties' objectives and expectations in detail. Many men become fathers only to discover they prefer the idea of a child far more than the responsibility and upheaval of actually raising one, day in, day out. Could her husband be in la-la land, counting down his good-knees years and finally embracing romantic notions of "dad", "baby" and "family" that may have had limited appeal for him in the past?
And even if your husband did find a way to eke out some breast milk, consider this: would this child grow up to resent you as the distant "helper" mom? Would s/he wonder why mommy's always backpacking in Thailand or busy with law school when the other mommies are all backstage at the school play? Would s/he feel underloved?
LW, please remember this: parenting is a CHOICE. It is never an inevitability. It is a choice like any other you make for your own life and happiness. Nobody ever has a child for the child's sake - it is ALWAYS a selfish and very personal decision, even for those who allow social pressures to decide for them. Search your heart, choose happiness and do not doubt yourself. At the end of the day, regardless of all you may wish and hope for, you are your only guaranteed companion through this life. Be true to yourself. Good luck!
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This Is Your Brain on Pregnancy
A poster who had been through this experience made the point at the end of her letter: try to make the decision you would have made before you got pregnant.
Pregnancy is overrated. People act like you should be happy and glow. Instead I felt overwhelmingly exhausted (especially first trimester) and had hormonal mood swings the likes of which I'd never felt. These days you can find some material on ante-natal depression, but it is still a pretty unexplored area.
I wanted my second baby, and I still spent the vast majority of my pregnancy thinking "what have I done?" and "this was all a huge mistake."
So, again, whatever you decide, as much as you can try to make it the decision you would have made before you got pregnant. The things your brain is saying now are hormone-driven.
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it's not much of a fort, LeCastor, more like a veranda
it's gotten very respectful since the changes in policy. timid. those backs and forths between you and golden boy are gone forever i'm afraid. what were those right wing blogs? i'll check them out. maybe i'm a closet republican. soon this will become "all anonymous all the time" like some (sequestered) radio program. that adoption option? not serious. the husband's not going to go for that. why would he? if you want a child, your *own* child, you are going to want to *see* it - every day. people have an odd idea of parenthood. it might have its roots in darwinian genetics, but, trust me, it's NOT about having the most children - somewhere out there. it's your BABY! (and hard as it is to believe, girls, men feel that way too. grant us that we are human).
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Too late
Unfortunately, it's too late -- you can't avoid a land mine that you've already stepped on. The trigger was set when the LW became pregnant, even if it hasn't detonated yet.
These people I knew were in a similar situation. They agreed that the man would be the primary caregiver, and had the baby, but ended up divorcing anyway.
The fact of the matter was that the man kept hoping that the woman would feel differently about the situation, but she didn't. You can't make someone want (or not want) something if they don't.
In the LW's case, giving the baby up for adoption may or may not be a realistic option, depending on why the husband wants her to have it. It sounds as if what he wants goes beyond the simple idea of avoiding an abortion (maybe he has some romantic ideas about procreation?). And as far as I can tell, if the biological father vetoes adoption plans, there's no way that the woman can go through with it unilaterally.
Certain mistakes can be undone. Marriages that don't work out can be "fixed" (however imperfectly) through divorce. However, other choices can't be undone -- this applies to having a baby as well as an abortion. Perhaps it would be best if the LW were to examine what she herself wants in this situation, and consider what option she would choose if her husband were to disappear from the picture.