Letters to the Editor
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Sounds like way too much of a risk to take...
>It won't kill the baby to cry for a few extra minutes those first few times as it sinks into the guy's head that he really has to do the tedious gruntwork of motherhood.<
And suppose he realizes right then he hates it? Where does that leave the baby? Mom didn't want him/her in the first place, and now Dad realizes there's more to it than Kodak moments--and hates every minute of drudgery. I agree with a previous poster--any guy who cares more about having a baby than the effect it will have on his unwilling partner is being unrealistic and selfish.
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You can't do this with a puppy, there is no way you can do it with the kid.
The LW is right, this is a bad situation. Because if she has the kid, even if they have this contract, it's still not like what she wants -- which is no more parenting of babies. It's not like she can sit around reading the newspaper while daddy is changing diapers 24/7. She wants a life where they can go to the movies, go out, go on vacations without worrying too much -- this is all impossible with a baby.
I would think of my own life first, as bad as that sounds. If there is one gender difference I've noticed is that women are much less prone to stand their ground -- stand your ground, LW. Do you want to be with a husband who is placing you into this tough situation? Is he really that wonderful?
Life is short, don't spend it taking care of babies you don't want (and with the contract, you'll still be taking care of it).
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The problem with Cary's advice, and those agreeing with him (for clearly political reasons)
There are many reasons people would like Cary's answer besides political. Of the couples I know where Dad stays home, it's purely financial, as a matter of fact. Wife earns more, so when it was time to choose a parent to stay at home with the kids, they chose Dad. End of story, no big political message. And I think a lot of stuffed shirts would be wise to realize that: down here in the trenches, we make decisions based on what works best for our families, not to make a theoretical political message. We can't afford that, we need to run our families, work, live, try to enjoy life. And that takes real solutions, not choices based on what some talking head on TV says is the right choice.
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@hanalei
but if I got pregnant, I would have the child. I tend to feel that if you are in a solid marriage, can afford a child, and are capable parents that you take the hand that's dealt.
How stupid, frankly. you can change your life, but you just stoically go along with what you've got? It's like saying, oh, i've got syphillis, i could go get some antibiotics and be fine, but no, you take the hand that's dealt.
As a sidenote, my mother had children as a teenager and had to face a similar situation when she got pregnant when I was 14. She had the abortion, and the relationship ended shortly thereafter. None of her subsequent relationships have worked out well.
You really think there's a causality there of some kind?
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Understand the consequences
One of the anonymous responders was right, and my heart breaks for her. If the LW proceeds with the abortion, knowing her husband wants this child, that relationship will never recover. He won't be able to give her the support she needs, no matter how he tries; she won't be able to empathize with his grief and loss, and he'll hide those feelings from her. More and more time will pass silently, with more and more anger building, and the relationship will not survive.
The LW might feel angry about having the child, but having the child opens a spectrum of future choices and opportunities -- good and bad -- that she can't imagine right now. Aborting the baby would be an effort to preserve the status quo, but the status quo is already gone.
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Good Advice
The LW doesn't have a lot of good choices, but Cary's advice makes the best of a bad situation. Her husband will be angry if she has an abortion and her marriage won't recover. She should tell her husband that she will have the baby if he agrees to be the primary care giver. It appears that infant care will be new to him, but he will learn what to do, just like everyone else who raised a child.
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Infuriating
I've seen this time and time again amongst my friends. They get pressured by their husbands to have a child that they do not want, and they end up angry, depressed, guilty that they're angry and depressed, tired, and full of regrets that they are not allowed to voice because women aren't allowed to regret having children. In almost all cases, the husbands insisted and swore and crossed their hearts that they'd take equal care of the child, and never has it happened. The husbands are all still in their same old routines of work and hobbies and hanging out with friends, and my friends are mourning the loss of their old lives.
All of you who are insisting that the relationship won't survive the abortion are assuming that the relationship will survive the stresses of rearing an unwanted child. Of course, that's easily overlooked because it's HER feelings and HER life and HER body that is easily tossed aside because his widdle feelings will be hurt if she doesn't agree to act as his human incubator.
If it were a man that were pregnant and not wanting a child, I'm pretty sure Cary would be all "you have to sit down and imagine your life the way you want it to play out. You may love this woman, but I think you should give up the child and relationship to follow your dreams."
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fuck cary up the ass
I know it's going to be hard, but you should value yourself and your freedom over your husband and future child. Selfish? No, because you're not going to be happy somewhere down the line, and neither is your husband or child. I'm not one of those heeheeheeletshaveanabortiontheyrule people, but it's your body and your decision.
Cary is a stupid dickhead and I wonder why he's still even around.