Letters to the Editor
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endometriosis, fertility, and birth defects
For the record, while endometriosis can be very painful and create some health problems for a woman, especially during menstruation, there's no reason why it would have any effect on a woman's fertility. Nor would it cause any sorts of birth defects.
In endometriosis, some tissue that makes up the lining of the uterus - the endometrium - exists in a place in the body where it shouldn't. The most frequent ectopic site is in the smooth muscle lining of the uterus, though it can essentially be anywhere within the abdominal cavity: on the outside of the uterus, on the fallopian tubes, on the large intestine... you name it. The problem that comes from this is that this ectopic endometrial tissue is responsive to the hormones that regulate the ovulatory cycle (mostly estrogen and progesterone, but also luteinizing hormone and follicle stimulating hormone, to some extent). Thus, at the same time when the endometrium is shedding (i.e. there's menstrual bleeding), the ectopic endometrial tissue is also bleeding... only the blood can't drain like it's supposed to. So there's pain.
You wouldn't normally get pain from endometriosis during pregnancy because endometrial shedding is suppressed during that time.
Not that any of this has any relevance to the advice or LW, really... I'm just procrastinating.
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Raising a child is difficult no matter what....
This decision is going to put a strain on the marriage no matter what, but I don't think the LW will ever forgive her husband if he guilts her into having this child. I think the husband should participate fully in raising his stepchildren if he wants children. It's a rare husband who will stay with an infant alone while his wife goes on vacation, and it's a rare woman who would do that anyway. I think Cary's solution is unlikely to work.
Lisa
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True Story about Two People
I will call them Joanna and James. Both Joanna and James had been married before. When they met one another, both were quite wary about marriage. Long story short, they fell in love and did marry each other. I believe both still sincerely love each other but the marriage itself is falling apart and they are having serious and bitter quarrels.
When they married, they agreed that neither wanted children. She has a serious medical condition. He has three children by his previous marriage. Two years into the marriage, Joanna became pregnant. Absolutely everyone she knew thought she should have an abortion due to her medical condition. Under pressure -- insistent pressure from James -- she agreed to have an abortion.
Fast forward to five years later: James and Joanna have a quarrel about money and relatives. In the course of the quarrel, she mentions that James made her abort her baby. James becomes infuriated. A couple with no previous physical violence in their marriage, they come close to physical blows. They actually do get to screaming and pushing and a raised fist.
Joanna has confided all the above to me. They are close friends to me. I love them both dearly. I hope they can both overcome their anger about this decision of the past which has now become a reopened wound festering between them.
LW, you do not say what you were doing to prevent pregnancy when you became pregnant. If you were relying upon the endo to protect you from the likelihood of pregnancy, you were operating in bad faith. If your husband kept persuading you not to have your tubes tied or have a hysterectomy because he secretly hoped you would become pregnant, he was operating in bad faith.
Here are the facts: To you, you are carrying a fetus. To him, you are carrying his child. Cary has some nice hopeful advice. You might consider it and any other nice hopeful advice you receive. I won't give you nice hopeful advice. You carry the potential union of your love for your husband within you. He is your husband. He is not some casual guy that you just dated for a bit. You have made promises to each other.
Do not mistake me. I am prochoice. I think abortion should be legal, safe, and rare. In your situation, I think you should have this child.
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Lamest Advice Ever
Oh. My. God. Only a man would write such incredibly lame advice. As far as they're concerned, pregnancy and childbirth are no more trouble or pain than blowing your nose or taking a shit.
Look, Letter Writer. Clearly, you feel ambivalent enough that you should not have this child, Period. End of story. If you have a child to please another person, you will regret it the rest of your life. And if you're living in the same house as he is, chances are very high that -- despite all of his pretty promises -- you will very often be saddled with and guilted into the role of primary caregiver, whether you want it or not. Once the initial excitement wears off, he'll be all too happy to foist the kid off on you at any excuse.
If you have this kid, you can kiss your dreams for yourself goodbye. Be smart. Have a spine. Don't do it. If your husband is that desperate to spread his own DNA, if fathering your kids was not good enough for him, then screw him. Obviously, he didn't get married to you for your own sake, but for what he thought you would eventually issue forth from your womb. Have some self respect. Don't do it.
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It's a bad situation. But Cary's advice is also bad. Here's another way to look at it.
I just don't see it happening. If she has the child, she'll be the one raising it. That's just how it works out 9/10ths of the time. On the other hand, there is this very nice guy she loves a whole bunch who would dearly love to cash in on his last chance to biologically reproduce.
So here's a real Solomic solution. Have the child, but put it up for adoption. That way, mommy doesn't have to raise another kid, but Daddy gets to reproduce biologically.
And who knows? Perhaps they will find an adoptive couple who will let biological Daddy participate in the nuturing. Nothing like having an extra uncle to take a kid fishing, go to soccer games, and to help with tuition.
That's not to make light of bringing a child to term for the woman. And then saying goodbye, forever. That's heavy in a way I can't even imagine. But the letter writer would have to consider that for herself. If it's the long grind of childrearing she wants to avoid, this might be a solution. I have a lot more faith in a man's ability to make 9 months (prodded by a biological imperative) very pleasant for a pregnant woman than I do in him doing the whole childrearing thing by himself.
I have two children I love dearly. I could not raise them by myself in any way near the fashion my wife and I do as a team. But I could be a hell of a great uncle.
I hope the letter writer and her wonderful husband find some middle ground through this very sad and special situation...