Letters to the Editor
-
awful advice....
I agree with most above who say this is awful advice. If you don't want a child, then don't have one. No matter what you will still be a major caregiver. Also, the point of raising health problems should be a major concern. Your health should come first.
I wanted to add that it seems like your own freedom and life are important to you. You had children when you were so young you deserve freedom! You should get to have your own life. As you said, you will have completed 32 years of child-rearing when this one is 18. By my calculation, that puts you at 52. 52 is no time to start living. You only have four years until the twins are in college and your time to have a little more freedom comes around. Remind your husband that he will be 65 when this baby turns 18.
-
Debunking some health myths
As someone who had surgery for endometriosis at age 20, I thought I might debunk a few of the thoughts expressed regarding the LW's health thus far...
1. The disease can drastically affect fertility. It could be that the LW got pregnant b/c she thought her chances of getting pregnant were almost nil, as she might have blocked tubes, etc.
2. The disease wouldn't affect the child negatively. It has nothing to do with birth defects. It would be more likely that something negative could happen to the mother than her child because of the disease.
Re: Cary's advice. It may or may not work. It reminds me of adopting a puppy. "Mom, I promise to take care of it..."
I can't imagine that the husband would take over enough of the child rearing responsibilities, even with the best of intentions. Maybe the LW wants to enjoy her older husband's future retirement with him. Why would you want to raise another child and possibly concurrently be taking care of a spouse in declining health before your child is on his/her own?
-
Land Mines
The answer to the direct question the LW asks, "will this be a land mine in our relationship?" would have to be, "yes, yes it will." But it feels as if there are many land mines in the relationship. LW says she made clear she wouldn't want children "past a certain age" but isn't more specific. Did she simply never want more children, or would things have been different they'd been ready before she was thirty? And the backand forth with the medical issues and each time LW wanted to do something that would end her ability to have a child the husband asked her not to - and she agreed. It seems as if there has been lots of mixed up communication, and lack of it, going on.
I think in making a final decision LW should consider what kind of father her husband would be, and as others have pointed out, he has played that role with her own sons. Is he the kind of person that could make Cary's crazy idea work, or even most of it? That, coupled with his generally being there for her, and wonderful, could make her experience totally different than her first experience as a very young mother of twins and a husband making it all worse instead of better. If he really would expect her to be a fairly traditional mother, than she may be making the decision she has to, given the way she feels.
-
Abortion will equal the death of the Marriage
It's a hard choice, but no matter how wonderful your husband is, he wants this child and it's his only chance at having a biological child, and aborting the pregnancy will doom the marriage.
He may at first be understanding, but your relationship will never recover.
-
Ooops!
Seems like someone who is pretty sure they don't want another kid would go the extra mile with the birth control.
Aaaanyway....
Although I'm pro-choice, I also view abortion as a tragic last resort. If it's not a health risk to you, you could have the baby and give it up for adoption. Of course, in your specific situation, that's probably actually not an option... :)
As to Cary's suggestion -- I'm not clear if your husband really wants this child enough to be a primary caregiver. That, to me, is the big question.
In my humble opinion... if it was me... knowing my own sensitive and sentimental nature...
- if your health was not at risk and...
- if I wanted child and...
- if I was willing to be primary caregiver...
an abortion would break my heart.
But that's a lot of "if"'s.
-
Cary is right
LW,
You asked how can you avoid stepping on this land mine. Well, as far as your actions are concerned, the best way is to follow Cary's advice, however unpractical it seems to be to some people here. Otherwise, saving your marriage will be left mostly to your husband's actions. Will he forgive you or not? Well, nobody can answer that question with certainty, probably not even him at this point. Frankly, he probably won´t.
But, if you go through with the abortion, there are some things that you could do to increase the odds that everything will end up right. First of all, never, ever downplay his suffering. Don´t try to argue that this decision was the best for him. Remind yourself each and every day how much you owe to this man (not the baby, but his forgiveness and all the things that he has done to you before) and try to act towards him always keeping this in mind. The next time some big decision comes up in your marriage, try to let him have his way. Maybe some couple therapy would be good for you. You should give it a try.
Best luck for you both.
-
Going ahead with the abortion...
... would put more strain on the marriage than the letter-writer might expect.
Personally I think this is a real no-brainer - have the kid, or go ahead with the abortion and wait for the marriage to unravel in due course.
-
not gonna work
This is ridiculous. They're going to be living together, right? Is the kid going to be raised with the message "ignore that woman who's your mom - she's not the Primary Caregiver"? What kind of ludicris arrangement is that? As long as they're living together, raising a kid is pretty much a shared responsibility and a joint venture. Furthermore, is it just The Kid that her husband wants, or is it also The Experience of raising Their Kid with his wife? Carey's advice is a recipe for complete disaster.