Letters to the Editor
-
birth control is both partners problem
I am annoyed at the number of people who have written in faulting the LW for getting pregnant and assuming she wasn't using birth control. First of all, accidents happen, even when birth control is being used. Secondly, birth control is not only the WOMAN'S responsibility...
Since I'm writing let me add that I find Cary's advice stupid. People should not have children they do not want. Children know when you resent them or don't want them. They are lots of work (whatever the rewards) and take up most of your (free) time. You won't be able to go out to a movie, to dinner, or have any "non-family" leisure on the weekends.
I am also appalled at the number of people who seem to think that men are somehow biologically incapable of taking care of their own children... There are plenty of SAHD who do a great job (better than that done by many women because they generally actually CHOSE to be there rather than CONFORMING to societal expectations as is the case of many women).
I can't believe how many people ultimately disapprove of abortion, writing things like "I am super pro-choice but..." There's no but about it -- it's her right and much to be preferred to unhappily taking care of a child for 18+ years (and commitment to your child does not end at 18 people!)
---
-
Aw jeez....
Jeez, Cary. I love you but: a mother is a mother is a mother. Once she gives birth to another child she has another child. This new human's caretaking can be negotiated but not the deep, substantive mother/child reality that this woman would be instigating by having another baby. She does not want to do it. This will poison their marriage and force her to live the next twenty-one years in service to everybody but herself.
Honey, listen to your heart. It's your life. Thanks to you, your husband has had the opportunity to be a father to two children. He loves you too much to want you to hatch another one just for him. If your heart says get the abortion, get the abortion. Your husband will only be happy if you're happy. He loves you. How beautiful is that!
-
DO THE MATH
Sorry, but even though I am not especially gifted at mathematics (understatement of the century), even I can do this equation:
The LW is 32. Her twin boys are 14. They were born when she was EIGHTEEN, not twenty. Since a pregnancy takes nine months, usually, she was probably only 17 when she got pregnant, and possibly even still in high school.
She got divorced at 26. She states she has been in an intimate live-in relationship with her present husband for eight years. 32 - 8 = 24. She was 24 when she moved in with him, and still legally married to the first husband...FOR TWO SOLID YEARS. This doesn't even account for any dating prior to moving in, nor any other relationships she might have had while still married.
I am not saying that the first husband was not an abusive creep or that her divorce was not absolutely justified -- for all I know this is true, and I am more than willing to extend to her the benefit of the doubt.
However: when you have young impressionable children, I don't think you have carte blanche to do "whatever feels good", regardless of consequences. This kids were probably only 7-8 when she hooked up with Present Husband, and she lived with him openly WHILE STILL MARRIED TO ANOTHER MAN.
While a tad off topic as far as the subject of being pregnant right this second, or wanting an abortion, what this DOES is call into question something essential: her judgement, and whether she indeed really cares about "doing the right thing".
Unfortunately, what is strongly suggested is that she is the sort of person who doesn't take such things into consideration, but does what she wants and what benefits herself, and the rights/feelings of others, even minors she is responsible for, is of little significance.
Pretty much thinking about that has convinced me that this letter is a lot of blather and fuss she is making on the drive to the abortion clinic, and probably a good thing. She not only dislikes being a mother, but it doesn't sound like she is or would be a very good one.
-
'What If' - Instant Failure
LW, you lied. To yourself, and to your husband. You never told him you were uninterested in having children, you told him that you were uninterested in having them past a certain age. As such, this may have given him hope. And can you blame him? He hedged his bets. But you let him, you gave him hope.
The fact you are pregnant proves you were open to the idea yourself, even if you claim you aren't. You let yourself be talked into not getting a hysterectomy. You didn't use protection, didn't use contraception. If you were vehemently opposed to this, why put yourself in a situation where you can get pregnant?
Perhaps it was subconcious, but the chips fell where they did. You are pregnant now. This is a difficult decision but it is probably your last chance at having a child together. Cary is right, you and your husband have to decide whether you can live with 'what if?' Because if you don't go through with it, you get no second chances.
You need to communicate with your husband. This is more than just making him happy however, Is a compromise enough? Remember the happiness of the child would also rest on both of you, not just your individual happiness.
I would try to imagine the future-- the best and worst case scenarios for the child and everyone involved. If you think your child will be completely unwanted by you, unhappy... I would terminate the pregnancy. If you have compassion and think you can give the child the love he needs without giving up too much of your life, your hopes and your dreams; go ahead with the pregnancy. The important thing is that the child not feel like a burden, which means you need to at least accept the pregnancy a little bit, even if your husband will be the primary caregiver. If you can't do that, then don't go through with it.
Also, look to the future and try to imagine life without the child. Perhaps you will be happy, living up your new found independance and doing what you like. Or you could be unhappy, lonely, with 'what if' flowing through your mind, imagining the personality of the child that 'might have been'.
My mother had an abortion after getting pregnant for a third time at 22. She had just had my brothers in succession (a year apart in age) and felt she couldn't do it a third time due to post partum depression.
The depression faded, but the regret never did. That's why, when she got pregnant with me ten years later at age 33 she kept me. The pregnancy was fine. I'm 25 now, and she's leaning towards 60. My father was 12 years older than her, but he died when I was 16 (he was 62 and lead an unheathly lifestyle). This is a consideration too. However, even with the hindsight of his early death, my mother wishes she had kept her other pregnancy.
I'm pro choice, personally. But sometimes I find myself wondering about my lost brother or sister, too... I think I would have liked another sibling.
Remorse is hard to live with.