Letters to the Editor
-
Do what you want, have the abortion.
After re-reading the letter, I'm firmly on the side of you getting the abortion, then the hysterectomy. Do not waver, do not let your doctor talk you out of it. If he/she tries, get a new doctor.
You can't do anything to prevent your husband from leaving you if this lack of biological children will cause him to do that.
He seems wary of lifetime commitments himself, never married before you, no children, hasn't adopted your sons, nah, don't do it. It's better to be divorced and free than married and unhappy saddled with burdens you didn't want.
-
I just noticed the oddest thing.
All the letters in this thread, many of them excellent ones on both sides of the issue, raised new questions in my mind, so to confirm an uneasy feeling, I went back and reread the LW's letter.
These words jumped out at me: "Even my husband has remarked on my ambivalence to parenthood."
What on earth does she mean by that word EVEN?
I could understand the sentence perfectly well without that word. Wouldn't such a sentence mean that they had discussed this pregnancy matter extensively before and that he had discussed with her her ambivalence. After all, they have been together for eight years (married for two) and surely they have discussed the child/no additional child option more than once. Furthermore, she says that they were discussing it again when she became pregnant. She says they had not yet finished their discussion. If they have been doing all this talking, wouldn't her ambivalence be quite apparent?
Then add in that word EVEN. That word can mean only one of two things:
1) She has not been direct with her husband. She has been evasive. How hard is it to say something along the lines of "I'm ambivalent and until I make up my mind, I will not have a child?" Therefore, I conclude that maybe she was not being direct with him about her feelings. If this was the case, who can blame him for hoping?
2) She considers him utterly clueless. She has been trying to tell him but his receiver was broken. Hello? Hello? Earth to husband? Or was he deliberately not hearing her? How many of you have ever been in a frustrating argument with someone and finally ended it by saying, "Even YOU should understand, you nitwit!"
Maybe things are not so wonderful after all. Just being married to someone wonderful, how nice that would be -- especially if you also loved that someone, especially if the two of you had great communication, especially if you were ever on the same page in the first place.
I just love the letters Cary gets. I even love it when his advice is goofy. I love reading responses by people I agree with and by people with whom I disagree. Each request for advice is a little mystery. Something to try to understand and maybe even solve. But this one . . . I think I may have detected a few red herrings. However, that word EVEN is a bonafide clue!
Forgive folks. I have two degrees in English and am a mystery buff. I may EVEN be a little obsessed with close reading . . .
-
To anonymous titled "pro-choice?"
You said: "'I am as pro-choice as a pro-choice person can possibly be...', that is, unless you get pregnant through your own damn fault. Then I'm, uh, no-choice? Pro-life? It's just so confusing. The air up here is making me lightheaded."
To me pro-choice means you support a woman's right to choose. It does not necessarily mean you agree with another woman's choice in every instance. Pro-choice does not mean you rubber stamp their decisions.
Allow me to elaborate. I am for the legalization of marijuana use for adults. If marijuana use were legal for adults, I would never interfere with adults who made the choice to use it. Under some circumstances -- use to prevent nausea after chemo -- I would say that that person is looking after his or her health. Under other circumstances -- using until one cannot function at work -- I would say that that person is an utter fool.
I can still support a woman's right to choose and still make a personal judgment that a woman who was completely careless about birth control does not deserve my respect. I can still think that she should have cared enough about the CONCEPT of life to try diligently not to get pregnant in the first place.
I am of the strong opinion that women should not use abortion as a backup birth control method, although I do understand perfectly that accidents happen. I still support the right of completely careless women to get abortions because I really don't think they would make good mothers in the first place and, who knows, maybe there is actually a careless gene we don't want to see continued. I recognize that the consistent use of birth control can be sort of leaning curve and I really don't expect much in the way of consistent use from teenagers and the mentally retarded. Is it too much to ask mature women to use their brains?
You may be one of those people who believe we should never make judgments. I disagree. By judgments, we get through school, stay out of jail, avoid heroin, and keep our driver's licenses. By judgments, we can also sometimes avoid unwanted pregnancy.
To paraphrase Decartes: I think. Therefore, I judge.
-
Seriously stupid advice...
I mean, really out of the ballpark stupid and naive. And yes, to the best of my knowledge, Mr. Tennis has never had children and is well above 30 years old, so he's not remotely doing what he's telling the poor LW to do!
Probably he prizes his freedom and his solitude and his ability to pick up at the drop of a hat, and take vacations....or take some "interesting" job that doesn't pay all that well as opposed to some corporate drudgery just to pay for Pampers and daycare and save for college. Huh, because that's exactly what the LW wants, and what he wants to take away from her.
I also read her letter carefully, and I notice that her first pregnancy, with the twins, seemed to be unplanned as well (who PLANS on getting pregnant at 18? to an abuser?). I also did not miss that she has been with Mr. Right for eight years, but was divorced at 26. Do the math. She was cheating openly on her husband (yes, I know he was a creep) and openly living with another man, and doing this right in front of her eight year children. Hm, wonder what they learned from THAT experience -- that you can have your cake and eat it too?
I, too, wonder why her endometriosis was not treated with birth control pills, because that is standard operating procedure for such a condition. Yes, even if your tubes are tied! The hormones, like pregnancy, keep the endometriosis from forming and spreading. Her doctor told her to get pregnant to accomplish this? Instead of the pill? He deserves to be sued for malpractice! (On the other hand, having a hysterectomy for this is the desperate, last measure solution -- it's major surgery and should be a last resort.)
SO -- what I think she needs first off is a very deep, inside evaluation of why a young, fertile woman would not use really effective birth control consistently (a woman who already had one unplanned pregnancy) when she absolutely, positively did not want another baby. Because there really is a lot of ambivalence here. On both her part and her spouse's part.
I am not sure that an abortion (the kids do NOT need to know about this) means the end of the marriage, if he's a decent man who acknowledges his own ambivalence about having kids, and his knowledge that she absolutely doesn't want more. There IS a reason that he didn't have his own kids before the age of 40, and he needs to explore this in therapy, along with why he'd have a long term affair with a married woman in front of her 8 year old twins. But the end of the marriage? I think that is a melodramatic assumption.
The prime reason I am in favor of abortion is because I think there is almost nothing worse than being an unwanted, unloved child. Every child deserves to be wanted! This child won't be. The whole idea that you can "contract out" your child to a spouse or any other person is absurd. No matter who works or who stays at home, a wanted loved child is the total 100% responsiblity of both parents, because who knows the future, whether one of the adults will leave or die or get sick? You can't count on farming the kid out to the dad, and I don't see how mom gets her freedom to do anything (yes, even dance ballet for royalty) with a toddler in the home.
Is this a sad situation? Absolutely. There won't be any winners no matter how things play out. This is the biggest argument possible for people who ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT CHILDREN to use the safest most effective birth control -- BOTH OF THEM -- and by that I mean the pill, ring, IUD or tubal ligation, and not B.S. themselves that they can get by with condoms or foam or something with a 80% effective rate and then act surprised when oops, a young fertile woman gets knocked up anyhow.
The best advice of all: never listen to Cary Tennis.