Letters to the Editor
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Have the Baby and half the responsibility
A contract would work great, if the husband was a corporation. But he's not, he's human and he's about to become a father again. I say again because he already has twin boys which he has been instrumental in raising and nurturing. And the abortion idea. Terrible. Forget it. The guilt of terminating your unborn child will chew you up and spit you out. You are going to have to suck it up and be a responsible parent. Sure its tough having an unexpected baby, but thats life. And thats the wonderful thing, this child may end up being the most precious part of your life. And what is so important that you can't do it and have another baby? I mean sure its hard to be pole dancer when you are pregnant, but pursuing a career, getting a degree? Thousands of woman pursue their dreams while pregnant or raising kids. I did. Sure I'd rather not have been pregnant, and sure I resented losing my body again, going through the trauma of diapers. But guess what, I adore my daughter Lola. I wouldn't have it any other way. Love is an amazing, unpredictable emotion.
Ditch the whole abortion idea, reset your expectations and really examine if having baby #3 is incompatible with your goals. Unless you are planning to join the marine corps or start training with NASA, I highly doubt the baby is the burden you think. You have a wonderful husband, a successful family - there is room for baby #3. Get a nanny, get help raising the child and pursue your dreams, take time for yourself. Its possible. I do it every day.
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husband doesn't want kids
Because he already kind of has two--LW's twins. (By my math, they're not yet full grown and can still use a lot of parenting.) What's wrong with focusing his energy on those children that are already here? I know, they're *not really* his--he wants his own brand new baby.
I'll echo the other posters' comments about the improbability of making him raise the kid. What is she going to do when it cries, ignore it? Cary's advice would certainly rule out breastfeeding as well.
Even in the most ideal scenario and hubby does raise the kid himself, who do you think he's going to be asking questions to every other second? (Do you think the kid has a fever? How do you fold this diaper? What does it mean when it cries like that? When does it need its shots?) My husband asks me where his clothes are, whether or not the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty, etc instead of just trying to figure it out for himself. How is hubby going to handle figuring it out for himself? I'm guessing asking wifey who has two kids already and has done this before, all the while the kid is crying, wet, sick, etc. Is she really going to let him figure it out for himself, or is she going to take over because the kid is waiting at best, suffering at worst? You can't just stand by while an innocent child of yours waits/cries/etc. because you want to ensure hubby is raising the kid and not you.
LW told hubby beforehand that kids weren't a guarantee. Now hubby has changed his mind. That's unfortunate, but that's life. Get him to adopt a kid on his own (is that even possible?).
If LW doesn't want a kid, LW shouldn't have one. What's great about your relationship is that your hubby helped you through something, but that doesn't mean you owe him a child. Another human being isn't something to give to someone else.
LW--get the abortion as planned.
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Cary doesn't have kids
wow, what stupid, stupid advice.
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Grow Up
This is just amazing. The first few posters apparently think women have some special nurturing ability built into their DNA and men aren’t capable of stepping up to the plate to be the primary caregiver.
The father is perfectly capable of doing anything the mother does except nurse and give birth, but society and many mothers don’t support that concept.
I personally know of many men who are the primary caregivers, single parents and married, and they do a great job. Their children are fine, and these fathers can even multitask, because they HAVE to.
And the husband of the LW certainly DOES know about fatherhood, as he has been with this woman’s twins since they were six years old. I see nothing wrong with Cary’s advice if LW’s husband goes along with it. After all, this is what the arrangement has been for generations with families, only with roles reversed.
I do have to wonder, though, why LW allowed herself to get pregnant if she was really that adamant about no more children. She knew her husband had no biological children but wanted them. There is not very good communication going on in this marriage, despite what she says, and she has really backed herself into a corner. She needs some individual emergency counseling to figure out what she needs to do, or the issue will take care of itself in a few months.
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very difficult choice
Dear Letter Writer,
A year ago I was in the exact position that you are in now. I had the abortion and sure enough it has nearly destroyed my relationship. My husband said that he understood and he drove me to the clinic but he really never recovered. You mention many times in your letter that your husband is wonderful, so maybe he's worth just having the baby for...
As for my story, I really may loose my husband over this and it breaks my heart, but I still can't say that I made the wrong decision. The panic of facing another 18 years of parenting was overwhelming to me and something just drove me to this horrendous decison.
I think that you just have to accept that you are faced with two paths that you wouldn't have chosen and you have to make the most of one of them. There's going to be fallout no matter what. Best of luck to you!
Oh, and also, remember that when you're first pregnant things seem more intense and overwhelming than they normally would. Try to make this decision with your pre-pregnant brain!