Letters to the Editor
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It's good advice
In my experience early pregnancy is full of turmoil and it was a highly emotional time for me, where I weighed my choices, and those choices weighed on my mind. It took me until the birth of the child to love and adore and appreciate the miracle, people in my life met my indecision with quick advice to get an abortion and I had the appointment and I collected the money, but one person in my life told me that I could do it, made it seem as though I was blessed. My boys were almost teens...but new motherhood in your 30's is much different then motherhood at 20...the baby is much more a gift than burden. I know when I held my daughter I was horrified that she almost wasn't. I disagree with LW calling single parenting horrific, in my early 20's it sucked to be alone with kids. In my 30's I enjoy every minute of it.
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Cary is clearly a man.
Don't have the kid.
You don't want a child.
Don't create a person because your husband wants to breed! You're going to make him *promise* to be a primary caregiver? Yeah, right. Good luck with that. What does that mean when your husband has plans and the kid starts barfing?
And what if it's a girl? He's going to be the go-to guy for menstrual cramps and dating issues?
He's been there for you since your twins were out of diapers, not waking up in the middle of the night, able to express what they want more or less with words.
More reasons:
The baby may be ill.
Your husband may become ill.
You absolutely will not live forever.
Do NOT have the baby if you don't want to have the baby. It's not fair to your twins, it's not fair to you. If your husband is sad and upset - so be it. It might be a land mine that destroys your marriage, and that would be horrible and awful. But having a baby that you don't really want may also be a land mine that destroys your marriage, only there will also be another person involved. You have no idea. That parameter should be omitted from your mind, even though it's what you fear - there's no way to control it.
Do the right thing. Get an abortion.
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What?
I am as pro-choice as a pro-choice person can possibly be; in other words, I do not think that women should be forced to bear a child under any circumstances. However, the LW sounds like an intelligent woman, and she also sounds like she has been ambivalent about having another child for quite some time. She even wrote that she wanted to have a hysterectomy but was talked out of it. But, what, she doesn't know what birth control is? She never says anything like, "Despite diligently and regularly using birth control, I find myself pregnant." She could have easily availed herself of a wide variety of birth control options while she settled the question of her own ambivalence. Nothing is fool proof and, if she did indeed get pregnant while diligently using birth control, then I apologize. Otherwise, I think that was the sickening height of irresponsibility for her NOT to use birth control. It's not as if a woman can either have a hysterectomy or get pregnant, with no other option. What did she THINK was going to happen? Cripes.
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pro-choice?
"I am as pro-choice as a pro-choice person can possibly be...", that is, unless you get pregnant through your own damn fault. Then I'm, uh, no-choice? Pro-life? It's just so confusing. The air up here is making me lightheaded.
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Cary's anti-abortion bias in his advice has become unacceptable
Dear Cary,
I like a lot of the things you say. Sometimes I feel a particularly keen appreciation for what you write and how you write it. However, your repeated foisting of your anti-abortion bias onto confused people who write you for advice has crossed the line.
Your advice is not "case-by-case", as it should be, but improperly reflects your personal anti-abortion stance. It is interesting to note that you take few consistent stances - except for in matters involving your conservative personal beliefs, e.g. advising against divorce and abortion,advocating staying in bad marriages (even without kids, like that poor woman from India!) and bearing unwanted children.
"And, again, not to be too mystical about it, but when life comes knocking, isn't it possible that it means something?"
"Not to be too mystical"? C'mon - this statement is deliberately "mystical". The soft phrasing fools no one - this is not a "question", but a statement, designed to induce guilt and sway decisions.
Your advisees and Salon readers deserve better than these fluffy-coated, ill-disguised pious platitudes promoting mindlessly conservative beliefs.
Anna
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The future is Now
The posters who disagree with Cary's advice are clearly sexist people who believe in gender roles for men and women. Perhaps they would consider joining the rest of us in the 21st century?
It's true that moms are usually the main caregivers. But many many families are based on the reverse arrangement. If LWs husband is the type of person who feels up to the task, no one else should pre-judge him otherwise.
And of course the other parent would not be out of the picture entirely. But perhaps LW could be happy if she knew she was not required to do most of the heavy lifting.
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Stephen, i beg to differ--the 21 century means choice for women
I have to disagree vehemently with your comment that "The posters who disagree with Cary's advice are clearly sexist people who believe in gender roles for men and women. Perhaps they would consider joining the rest of us in the 21st century?"
Um, maybe you would like to join us in the modern era, when women are allowed to decide whether or not to have children. At least for now, choosing whether or not to have an abortion is part of a woman's right of control over her own body. I do not reject Cary's advice because I think mothers have to be the caregivers. Men can be fine stay at home parents. I reject Cary's advice because the lw DOES NOT WANT to have another baby. If she wanted to have the baby, that would be different.