Letters to the Editor
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THIS ADVICE SUCKS...BAD
I am appalled that the advice given to the LW would be to write up a contract, as though divying up property. So, does this mean the LW gets the twins and the husband gets the baby? That should make for cozy dinners.
Let's look at some key words/phrases, shall we? "Despondent," "don't enjoy being a parent," "ambivalence to parenthood." These are certainly not "happy mommy phrases". In fact, these aren't happy phrases...period. The fact that her husband never "proactively sought parenthood" says just as much about his ambivalence to parenthood. So now we have two ambivalent parents having a child.
The problem began when he advised her not to have her tubes tied. Then, when the Dr. and her husband advised her not to get a hysterectomy. Now, she's pregnant. Is her body ever her own?
This was a HUGE mistake in judgement to get pregnant when both parties are not 100% ready and willing. But having the baby when both parties are not 100% ready and willing is just as big a mistake.
So, LW has the abortion and he resents her forever for killing his baby.
OR, LW has the baby and she resents him and the baby forever for killing her freedom.
Either way, somebody is going to resent and be resented.
The land mine is there. Counseling! Counseling! Counseling! Your communication was obviously not that great at the beginning, (hence your predicament now), don't let it continue to be poor. TALK TO EACH OTHER!
Don't allow this to end the marriage...if you don't want it to.
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re: reality based thinking
Genetics matter. The gods of political correctness have decreed that it's now sinful to say, "I want a child to carry on my genetic heritage; an adopted child will not do that." Nevertheless, many many people want a child to carry on their genetic heritage. This desire is only natural; in fact, it's the most natural desire there is.
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Please don't do it!
Please listen to Cary.
Because the world will be a sad, dark, lonely place when people who have been through travails, and have learned finally to love one another, support one another, travel through the darkness together and come out the other side, stop having children out of fear of the darkness.
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honestly
I'm beginning to think all reproduction should be handled double-blind through fertility centres. Our collective DNA could really use some reshuffling.
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Definitely her body
A previous poster asks if the LW's body is ever her own. My immediate response is that it certainly is. And was when she became pregnant, regardless of insistence on doing so (or at least on not taking permanent measures to prevent doing so) by her doctor or her husband or anyone else. Bottom line, regardless of who pleads or begs or recommends or suggests, if someone wants to play the it's-my-body card, he or she is responsible for playing it the whole way through, not just after choosing to acquiesce to advice, however reluctantly said acquiescence came about.
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To the anonymous of THIS ADVICE SUCKS
You said: "The problem began when he advised her not to have her tubes tied. Then, when the Dr. and her husband advised her not to get a hysterectomy. Now, she's pregnant. Is her body ever her own?"
Please turn this around so that she has some responsibility. The problem began when (she) decided not to have her tubes tied, when she decided not to have a hysterectomy. The more potent question might be "Is her mind never her own?"
For the government not to intervene in a woman's reproductive choices means that she gets the freedom to decide. That her husband's opinion would count with her is what reasonable marriages are about. The government does not regulate this private discussion. But her doctor? Come on! There are other doctors. In her relationship with her husband, when does she get to be a big girl and not a child bride? Where was her back up birth control? The mere fact that she has endo and that it is literally a pain but she did not choose the hysterectomy option earlier indicates ambivilance on her part. Whatever she decides, she has an abortion scheduled. All she has to do is go through with it.
Freedom of choice does not mean freedom from social opinion. It does not mean spouses will not speak their opinions. It does not mean doctors may not agree with you. It means standing up and looking people in the eye and making your own damn decisions. You show me a woman who is legally being kept from making this choice and I will be on her side -- maybe even by her side.
What does the LW do? She asks Cary! In all due respect, he's a guy! As far as I know, he doesn't even have kids. If you ask for opinions, you get opinions.
Three years down the road, she should not be trying to say that, whatever the outcome, somebody made her decision for her. This would be a lie. She makes the decision.
When will women learn that, to some extent, asking for the opinions of others on such an intimate issue means not taking the responsibility yourself? Ultimately, she should make this decision in such a way that she can look herself in the mirror with her shoulders back and say: "I was not a coward!" There is no greater self-esteem builder.
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"Can we keep him, can we?"
You know how kids beg and beg for a dog, promising to high heaven that they'll take care of it? And they do, for about a month, and then Mom takes care of it for the next 15 years? That's all I'm going to say.
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Interesting Advice
I really liked your advice Cary. Ultimately it is the LW's choice whether or not to have the abortion, but an arrangement to ensure she was the secondary caregiver is sound and plausible to me. I also agree with those who have stated that the LW's husband is still living a very fulfilling life at the moment as a parent to two teen boys.
Having a child for another is certainly tricky territory, but worth at least some consideration. If she still decides to have the abortion, the LW will then be even firmer in her resolve and will have made the right choice for her.
What I am heartily tired of is hearing from sanctimonious parents who think that because someone else does not have a child they could not possibly know what it entails-- as if they have never been part of a family themselves, or were doomed to be completely naive because no one calls them Mom or Dad. It does not take a particularly special set of skills to have kids. You are not more reasonable than the person next to you who chose not to have them.
Experience does not always equate to wisdom just because your sperm found the egg and you have changed 1000 diapers. It sometimes just means you get good at changing diapers. No one is 100% prepared for parenting. I applaud Cary for promoting fathers as primary caregivers-- they have just as much love and skills to offer as other supportive spouses.
I also do not see why some of the letter writers here cling to the assumption that all of a woman's dreams and aspirations must be suppressed for good because she becomes a mother. What kind of roll model is that to offer a child? Who wants to grow up to become a drudge? Who wants the kind of pressure that comes with knowing that your mother "gave it all up" for you?
I wish you luck in your decision LW.