Letters to the Editor
-
Yikes..
That's a difficult situation. No wonder Cary had some trouble with it. There are no good answers. From what you said, I think your marriage will be over if you get an abortion. Maybe not right way, but sooner or later. Is it possible that you feel backed into a corner here? Is there a way that you could not feel that way? I'm assuming that you were a willing participant in the conception. Did you think you couldn't get pregnant? I'm just trying to put this in perspective and hopefully make you feel a little less like you are being forced into a situation you don't want. I have an idea...why not find a couple to adopt the baby with the (written) understanding that they will give your husband occasional pictures, updates, or whatever. It could work. Maybe some counseling for you as well. Give it a try. It might help.
-
Re: why does abortion = divorce?
I’ve personally seen it happen twice that she gets an abortion and shortly after the relationship/marriage fails even when he was totally supportive of her decision through the entire ordeal.
The husband is between a rock and a hard place. It’s HER choice but it’s also HIS chance. He wants to support his wife but he still loves that baby (even if he can’t say the word ‘baby’ out loud). After an abortion he’s going to be deeply, deeply sad – he’s going to be grieving and that’s totally natural. But he’s got no one to grieve with because it was the LW choice and he, being a good feminist, wants to support her. And all of his emotion and regrets gets all bottled up until one day…
As I said – I’ve seen it happen up close and personal twice and it’s not fun for anyone. I honestly feel like it’s a serious risk that the LW is taking and it’s something she should consider along with everything else.
-
Certain attitudes are annoying me.
I was one of the people who said "Have the baby."
It seems to me that we can have honest differences of opinion here and still be prochoice. I never said, "Have to baby completely against your will and all other inclinations." Do not overlook that if the LW had completely made up her mind she would not have posted her letter. Instead, she comes here seeking counsel. Cary gives her some counsel. Others of us chime in with our own opinion. Having an opinion that the LW should have the baby is not a guilt trip. Having an opinion that aborting will affect the marriage, is only logical given the info the LW provided.
Does the marriage have to end if the LW has an abortion. Of course not. At any juncture in a marriage, circumstances can change. There are no guarantees one way or another. We are all best-guessing.
If the LW is smart, she will take Cary's advice and all of our letters directly to her husband and ask him what he thinks. Then she will have the information she needs to make a more informed choice.
In her letter, I sensed undercurrents. Things not talked about. Things implied but not directly stated between her and her husband. It is difficult to have an honest marriage, but an honest marriage is probably the only kind worth having. Whatever her decision, maybe some growth can take place for both of them.
-
Cary and LW!
If you are reading any of these letters, please let us know what the LW's decision is and how it turns out.
-
Those who disagree with Cary are taking him too literally (and superficially)
Did those who disagree with Cary or make King Solomon references really read the whole column? Negotiating an agreement with a husband the LW describes repeatedly as wonderful that she would be able to do the things she'd postponed doing, whatever they might be, during her years of single parent childraising, as well as relying on him to be the primary (not sole) caregiver is not so unrealistic.
There ARE men who are perfectly capable of and temperamentally suited to being an active or primary parent...happy to say my husband is one..has been a SAHD, now an equal partner dad to total of three kids. Certainly this is not the "average" man in our society, I won't debate that, though some may wish to, but again we are talking about a wonderful husband whom the LW clearly adores and this is after supporting her through the years of parenting her now teenage twin daughters...no mundane feat in a relationship. I would definitely do some more soul searching on this one before the solution the LW is leaning toward. I do believe it would be a marriage killer.
Money is the only related issue that would make me concerned as to whether the best intended plans would not be carried out...it takes money to put a child in an excellent daycare or nanny situation so the mother and father can have fulltime careers...it takes money for one parent to stay home full time with a child...it takes money to travel, to go back to school, etc. Money greases the wheels of our dreams quite a bit. That said they are all still possible, albeit take a lot more time and effort in the achieving, for those with less money. But bringing children into one's life often poses a choice not only in regard to the time committments but the money committments if there is not enough to go around and meet everyone's needs generously. So I hope the LW's family is at least comfortable financially...when children are in the picture, slogging through together to support and take care of the family, no matter how draining is usually the alternative when money is scarce, and it sounds like that is exactly what she wants to avoid doing again.
-
certain things are annoying me too!
why don't more people expect a nearly 50 yr old man, loving partner of eight years and step-father of twin boys, to have more invested in the relationship than whether or not a bio-baby comes out of it?
having a bio-baby was against the odds all along, wasn't it?
it sounds like the LW is very clear about what she does and does not want. having a baby falls into the latter category.
"...I wanted to have my tubes tied."
"... I wanted to have a hysterectomy."
"Now that I'm pregnant, I realize just how much I don't want to have another baby. I tried to be positive about it. I tried to think that maybe I could open up to the idea. But I am despondent. While I love my twins, I don't enjoy being a parent. Even my husband has remarked on my ambivalence to parenthood (although I am a good parent and I would do anything for the boys). Needless to say, I have been looking forward to my 'freedom' from child rearing for several years."
"I have told my husband that I don't want to have this baby. I have scheduled an abortion procedure. He knows this and is upset but understands."
"If I have the baby, I fear I would resent my husband and the child. I keep thinking about the 32 years of my life that would go to rearing children. I also fear that following through with the abortion would hurt the man I love, to whom I would give almost anything ... just not a child."
this is one of those rare instances where one of those stupid "what part of 'no' don't you understand" signs almost seems appropriate. the LW is not really asking whether or not to have an abortion -- she's scheduled one and told her husband about it! -- she wants to know if the marriage can survive this impasse. if the man is as wonderful as he sounds, and as mature as his age might lead one to expect, I think it can. clearly most here think otherwise.