Letters to the Editor
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hypocrisy
This column sure is bringing out exactly the type of hypocrisy that will be the death of Roe v. Wade.
I can't believe people are actually suggesting that it will be easier for the LW to put aside her resentment for having a child against her wishes, than it would be for her husband to put aside his grief over an abortion.
I've been pro-choice my whole life. When I was a teenager, however, I decided that if *I* ever got pregnant, *I* would not have an abortion. After all, I was smart enough to know better and would have to deal with the consequences.
Somewhat miraculously (and possibly due to a nicotine habit that's known to reduce fertility), I didn't find myself in that situation until I was in my mid-thirties. Maybe there is a god.
My husband and I have two healthy, wonderful kids. The first is a real challenge, partly b/c she's whip-smart; the second (a boy) is sweeter than honey. We would do anything for either of them, and I am glad that they have each other. Would I have another? No.
Of course men can be as good or better primary caregivers as women. My husband is very nurturing and involved with the kids when he's around. But there is a h-u-g-e difference between not wanting to be the primary caregiver and not wanting to spend any more time child-rearing. Any parent of a young child is duty-bound in so many ways. All the more so if the child is born with any physical, mental or emotional problems.
If the LW has this baby, she has to be prepared to be fully responsible for taking care of it should anything happen to the child, to her marriage or her husband. If the LW does not want another baby, she really ought not have it. The husband has always known that the LW did not want another child. He will grieve an abortion, but if the couple's relationship has any solidity, he will find strength to move on. He is also a parent to two kids and can channel his paternal instincts toward their care and/or the care of other needy children.
The biological imperative has turned on itself: if everyone reproduces as much as possible, the species will *not* survive. It's okay to have an abortion. The fact that it's still legal with all the weasely handwringing that goes on nothing short of a miracle.
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Don't have it!
I was in a very similar situation and opted for the abortion. This proved to be the absolutely right thing to do & we have had no regrets, only relief that we didn't bring another child into the world. It was like curing a toothache by having the tooth pulled.
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Perfect answer.
You are the best. I'll have to remember that when I have a huge problem!
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what does she get?--what she wants
I find it hard to believe that Cary would say that the woman would get nothing if she had an abortion. Um, how about the unencumbered by child life she is looking forward to? She would get free time, and less financial expense, and a sense of control over her own destiny.
I also find it unrealistic for the parents to sign a contract to divy up the child-related labor. Both parents often have to commit more effort to child rearing than they anticipate before they actually are parents. Plus, there is the child to think about here. What message is it sending to the new offspring that mommy doesn't want anything to do with you? Aren't there tomes and tomes and therapy bills enough on the subject of "rejection by the mother"? I am not sure it is better to live a life full of resentment and feeling unwanted than not to be born at all. Hard to say, given that I have not been in the situation.
Also, I think Cary should say that having the abortion means she is running a high risk on getting divorced. When deciding the LW needs to determine, as best she can, which will cause her more pain--having a baby she doesn't want, or losing a man that she does want. This is a hard choice, but it strikes me as the one she is facing.
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Cary's solution worked
This solution worked for some friends of mine; a second marriage, mother with a teenage son. They actually planned the baby and wrote up a parentling agreement. As she was already a mother, she had a good idea what the particlars of parenting are. She wanted to go back to developing her writing career; he chose to work at most part time during the child's early years. In later adult life, I believe you can learn to rearrange and recombine the components of happiness... not just follow the script handed to you in your 20s.
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why does abortion = divorce?
i don't get it. why are so many posters here saying if she has an abortion the husband will leave? that doesn't make sense. if he loves her, he wants what is best for both of them, and her needs are at least as important to him as his own. and if he's decent father material, he doesn't want his child to be born to a woman who doesn't want another child.
i think if he's really the gem the lw says he is, he'll deal with his disappointment, if necessary they'll go into counseling to work their way through it, and then they will be fine.
the risk of divorce if she has this baby is far, far higher, imo. babies cause divorces even when both parents want them.
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missing the point
I'm not sure that the issue is as simply solved as negotiating for the husband to be the primary caregiver, even if he would agree to that. I have had two sets of neighbors where the dad was the stay-at-home parent, and the situations worked fine for both. But I think the deeper issue is that the LW has teenage twins and she finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of her entire life, not just the day to day aspects of child-rearing like who changes the diapers or goes to the PTA meetings. Things like being able to take vacations whenever you want, not when your kids are out of school and every place you want to visit is overly crowded with tourists; having some extra money to spend on yourselves for a change; freedom to make life choices, like job changes and/or relocations, that may have been postponed for the sake of the children's stability, etc.
Both LW and her husband screwed this one up. The paid insufficient attention to contraception, and the husband didn't really take the wife at her word about not wanting more children.