Letters to the Editor
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Save the drama for your baby mama...
I can't believe I'm reading this "perfectly" difficult dilemma here...but assuming this is all true, and the LW is being completely honest about her decisions to still be potentially fertile, here goes my take...
First, if the LW suffers from endo., then we are all making a lot of assumptions about whether this child is going to even make it to birth...we've been told by doctors (since this is something we kinda have to deal with) that having endo. makes the pregnancy a lot more risky, for the child at any rate.
But, let's also assume for the moment that even that's not an issue. What should the LW do? Well, Cary's advice is patently absurd, but at least it brings up something to discuss with the husband...the LW can throw this idea out, then gauge just how serious the husband is about wanting to have a child. If he's hedging even just slightly, then go to the abortion clinic, or make plans to give the child up for adoption.
Beyond that, the LW really needs to think about why she let her phys. and husband brow-beat her into not having her tubes tied. If she's just too weak to put up a fight, and she REALLY doesn't want to have a child, now is the time to figure that out on her own...she's carrying the child, she has to do all the heavy lifting. She also needs to make sure that this "wonderful" husband is dedicated enough...if he is, then maybe raising this child won't be so damn difficult this time.
I hate to be mean, but the LW really should have put her money where her mouth is on this one...if she said from the beginning of the relationship "NO CHILDREN," she should have taken steps to make that permanent. Oh well...
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In a dream world.....
I don't think this could ever be possible.
My dear Cary, I almost always agree with your philosophy...but I know in my heart this scenario could NOT work, or it's a very RARE couple that could make a go of it...but think what it would do to the poor child.
Children, from a very young age are able to read us grown ups very well. They know who to turn to with their owies, and who will open their arms when they need a hug, they know to stay away from Creepy Uncle Charlie at family get togehters....how would they feel if only one of their parents were there for their needs??
I can bet you a million this Mother would not be able to turn her back if her child needed anything...contract be damned, if Daddy was gone, even for a second, and this child cried out for something, she'd be there...and she'd possibly resent having to do it, but I know very few Mom's that could truly turn away and say "Go see your Dad for that"!
Raising a child is really set up for a two parent interaction...when one needs a break, the other is there for back up...I've raised two kids as a single parents, so yeah it is "possilbe" to have only one parent, but it leave that person really taking the brunt of all the childs needs...that wears the responsible parent down tremendously...I can see why this Mom is havings second thoughts on starting from square one...and I totally symathize with her...I didn't have my second child until I was 35 and my first was almost 12..that's a large spread of your parental commitment years!!
I love both my kids with all my heart, but if I were really honest, when my oldest moved out I had a sinking feeling that I still had a long road to hoe to get my second one raised, & on on their own....and I was ready to be free of parent responsibilities.
I feel for this Mom...our paths are almost identical in every respect, except that I chose to bite the bullet, and let my 2nd hubby experience fatherhood...and yeah I did have some resentment here and there, and yeah, the marriage did not work out after all...but I've still got a child that is a joy to me.
Who intentionally has a child knowing that down the road you will take some part in raising this child on your own, or at best you'd be co-parenting in the end anyway??
This Mom has a lot of thinking to do, and none of it looks like blue skies in the end to me...but she has to stay with what she believes will be best for her, and her relationship with her husband...as heart breaking as it is, he may resent her down the road and leave. She could go for it, and have the baby, but it's possible she would be resentful enough to where the marriage would end either way...and there would be a child left in the middle of it all.
My heart goes out to this woman.
Mingo
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adoption
I have never had children, so I don't understand this drive to reproduce. Seems egotistical to me. There are way too many people in the world. Is it really necessary to have another, just so the baby can have the same DNA as his father? What's so important about that?
What makes a biological child more desirable than an adopted child? I think that's an insult to the children this man has already raised, as if they aren't good enough or they aren't really his children. He raised them, they're his. But apparently he doesn't see it that way.
That said, I don't see how this couple can agree that the father will raise the child. How is this child going to feel when he figures out that his mother didn't want him? What is going to happen when this father is unwilling or unable to fulfill his duties? He is 13 years older than she is. It's not out of the question that he could die and she will have sole responsibility for a child she didn't want.
Read Dan Savage's "The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Got Pregnant". It's a wonderful story for anyone who is interested in adoption. Dan Savage and his boyfriend are fortunate to live in Washington, which allows open adoptions. The birth mother of their son chose them to adopt her baby, and the birth mother is still in contact with the young boy and his two fathers. Non traditional, but it works for the four of them.
I don't know whether open adoption is the answer for this couple, but it's just not realistic to think that a mother can refuse to raise a child who is living in her house. She will end up raising this child, as most mothers do, and she will resent this child. The world does not need another unwanted child who is acting out because he knows his mother didn't want him. We have an oversupply of emotionally damaged children already.