Letters to the Editor
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Please say you didn't mean that
Cary, nowhere in your answer did you even think of what this would do to the child... growing up knowing that Mom wants nothing to do with him or her. What a sad, sad tragedy. Horrible advice.
I don't have the right answer, but do know that whatever it is, it should look at the whole picture. You left out the big elephant in the room. See it?
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I've seen a situation like this in real life.
She didn't want kids. He did. He talked her into it, promised to be a good dad, promised to take care of most of the childrearing responsibilities, etc. She agreed to have the kid.
He stuck around for a year or so and bolted. He didn't pay child support. She ended up as not only the primary caregiver, but the ONLY caregiver.
I've seen this happen twice to people I've known over the years. You cannot make a decision based on the idea that your husband will take on all the responsibility for this child, not because he can't do it, but because you have no guarantee that he will. This "contract" Cary speaks of is ridiculous - what are you going to do if he breaks his end of the contract? It's not like you can return the kid.
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what is best for the child?
having a mother who wants it. a child must have a mother who wants it, not just a father. and the lw can't help it if she doesn't want the child. it's not fair to the child to continue the pregnancy.
it's very selfish for the husband to insist that a baby be born to a woman who doesn't want it. he couldn't love his future child very much to insist on such a thing. it's wrong to bring an unwanted child into the world. as someone who was raised by parents who didn't want children and resented them, i can tell you i would have been thrilled if they'd had legal abortion at the time and resorted to it. there is nothing worse than growing up unloved and neglected by the one person who should love you most.
if she has this child, i predict it will destroy her marriage anyway. and the child will grow up hungry to be loved and wanted, and yes it will know that it isn't. what a mess.
tell the father that you can't help not wanting another child, and the child deserves to have a mother who wants it. both parents have to want the child. end of story. since that isn't the case, really, abortion is the right thing to do.
and just so you know the perspective i come from, i'm a woman who wanted very much to have a baby. but my husband, who had children from a previous marriage, didn't want more children and felt he was too old. in the end, i agreed to his vasectomy because i never wanted a child of mine to have a disinterested parent. children need the love of BOTH parents. they feel it keenly when they are not wanted. you can't hide that. i would never subject a child of mine to such pain.
years later, we are still married and our marriage is thriving. i don't blame my husband for how he felt and the choices he made. i had to make the right choice given the circumstances. and when the circumstances are that one partner wants children and the other doesn't--don't have children!
hopefully the lw's husband has or will have neices and nephews he can expend some of his parenting instincts on. and he can also be a good father to his stepsons.
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Family of 4 or 5 or 3
Odd how the Reluctant Mommy and Cary and all of the respondents left out the twins.
I hope she will carry the pregnancy to term, deliver and keep the baby. She may or may not try Cary's advice regarding a contract making her husband the primary caregiver for the baby. I hope he will take on as much as possible, as he will be capable of doing more than either he or she may currently believe.
My point about remembering the twins is this: they are part of the current family and will be part of the family of five. They have lived the last eight years - the last two especially - seeing him as Daddy. If they see this child as essentially tying their lives to this loving, giving man in a real genetic sense, then this baby could have three men loving it and willing to help raise it from the start. Assuming they will be around for the next five years, until they leave the nest for good they could help get this kid raised to the point of kindergarten. Along the way there are lots of teachable moments that can help them become better people - more loving men - than their biological father was/is.
Reluctant Mommy needs to think about possible outcomes for all of the people in the family, not just herself. Sorry that fact upsets some people but that's what marriage and parenthood entails.
Let me quickly spell out the worst-case scenario I could forsee: Abort; Daddy resents Mommy for showing him to be a sucker for loving her and helping her to raise another (horrible) man's children; twins see that Daddy is really just a motherfucker not important enough to create a family with; twins grow up to be men like their biofather, with problems squared so Mommy will have four times the heartache and for the rest of her life because you can't divorce your kids; Daddy divorces Mommy sooner or later.
But at least Mommy gets to pursue her dream of being a ballerina dancing for royalty. Or whatever.
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I am amazed!
Women really do think we've got some sort of inborn gift that makes us better parents.
Oh those men are so dumb when it comes to babies, there is no way he'll be able to figure out how to make the baby stop crying or take care of it when it's sick and eee gads, formula instead of breastfeeding, the horror!
You know how many women are awful, clueless parents, plenty.
If nannies, au pairs are an economic possibility that can relieve a huge burden. If a single woman age 18, all alone can figure out how to raise children so can a man, we both have brains and common sense and the ability to read books and ask peditricians stuff. Also, why not discuss him being more the primary care giver, he gets up more often, he does more of the day to day stuff. In the event of a divorce, he takes full custody. It can at least be discussed, perhaps a compromise can be achieved. Why assume that he'll just become some lazy man who all of sudden decides it's mommy's job to do everything?
There have always been women who had childen and weren't very interested in raising them, there are nannies, governesses, nurses, boarding schools all so a biological mother could do whatever she wanted and just give the kid hugs and kisses and monitor their educations and health, while the paid staff did the grunt work. Civilization didn't self destruct.
But anyway, to the LW, go ahead, have the abortion you already know you are risking marital happiness whichever decision you make.
But also, did you ever think that maybe the hard time you have with your twins was because they are twins and they are small subtle reminders of the ex you loathe and despise? Have you thought of the possibility that this child could bring you great joy because your husband brings you great joy? You got pregnant, how? Total unforseen accident? Are you sure there wasn't a small part of you that wanted a pregnancy and now you are just scared of the unknown?