Letters to the Editor
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Why did you get pregnant?
I think you should seriously consider how and why you got into this situation in the first place. If you did not want to have another child, you should have prevented the pregnancy. Why didn't you? Do you have feelings of ambivalence about being a mother again? Can you embrace the positive felings you have about it? I agree with the other posters who assure you that raising a child with a caring partner will be a very different experience from raising children with an abusive man and then raising them alone. I also agree that parenting in your 30s is much, much easier than parenting in your 20s (aside from the toll it takes on your body, that is!) You also have a husband whom you love--and who is also the father to your boys now. Consider their relationship as well as your own. And it is true that pregnancy hormones can make the thought of what is to come extremely daunting--that too shall pass.
I have to admit that I'm distressed by all the advice to just abort--as if that's nothing more notable than getting a filling. And I'm distressed by the lack of reassurance that, while parenting can be very difficult and very tedious, it comes with its own rewards and pleasures...mindblowing ones. It sounds like your husband will be an active and engaged father. You clearly did not prevent the pregnancy. I would suggest that it's time to take responsibility for your actions, take a deep breath, and welcome this unexpected twist. Continue to pursue your dreams, expect and demand equal parenting from your partner and support for you, get counseling if that will help, and try to enjoy the ride.
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Does giving the baby up for adoption suck that badly?
I can't accept all the people dumping on Cary today -- especially when we have so many people wanting children in the USA today, fresh-born babies, and basically all he (Cary) is doing is saying, why not give the baby a chance to be born and then see what happens?
The cool thing about babies is that I'll bet you -- and I say this as a guy who has no children, who is marrying a woman who cannot have children, and who has no intention of adopting children -- that a lot of people out there would love to raise this child when it's born. And that is another option.
Perhaps the father will realize, very soon after the child is born, that he is not cut out for parenthood at all. That might be sad, in a way, but it could be also tremendously healing for both him and his wife -- they would know that what they have together has been tested and proved to be strong. And they could both still love the child, and give that child to someone else to raise. They might even choose an open adoption, where the parents or parent who raises the child keeps in contact with them, maybe even becomes a friend.
Sure it may sound like an ideal situation, but why not think of wonderful, hopeful options, instead of dwelling on how selfish and miserable people are supposed to be?
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It's not a puppy!
Seriously, this isn't sounding too much different than "Well, all right, if you promise to take him for walks and clean up after him."
Responsibility for a child in a loving household rests with both parents, regardless of which is the "primary" caregiver. The LW wants a reprieve from child rearing. She's not going to get that even if her husband devotes his full schedule to childcare. She might be able to pursue a 9-5 career, go out with friends once in a while, and so forth; but the child, at least for the first several years of his/her life, is going to consume the vast, vast majority of her time at home.
When the kid comes running inside crying with a skinned knee, is the LW really going to be free to say "Go tell your father, dear, I'm busy having a glass of Chardonnay and reading the new Malcolm Gladwell book"? Of course not. Unless she's willing to be a bad parent, and if you're willing to be a bad parent you shouldn't have a kid.
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The impact on the child
She clearly doesn't want another child. It's certainly possible that if she decides to have it, it will be a different and transformative experience this time and she'll really enjoy it.
However, it's also possible that she'll have it and resent the living daylights out of it - and out of her husband who "forced" her to have a child and to put her own life on hold. Even if she manages to restrain herself from taking out her resentment on the child, the child will know. People, especially kids, know when they are resented and it can be incredibly damaging.
The other question is: can her marriage survive her having the child? Also, what happens if her husband leaves her? Or becomes ill? Or dies? How will she feel about having a young child in this situation?
This is such a difficult situation. I'm not sure there's a good answer, or any kind of answer. But I hope she can make the best possible decision - whatever that is - under the circumstances.
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Don't discount Cary's advice so quickly
I knew while I was reading this that I was going to see a boatload of knee jerk slamming of Cary's advice to this woman. But I found myself (a former single-mother, now happily married) in complete agreement. And the reason is this: 20+ years ago, I had a very dear friend in the same boat as this woman (or rather, this woman's husband) -- he'd married a woman who'd had several children at a young age in a bad marriage to a deadbeat dad. He'd helped raise those children, loved and sacrificed for them. But he wanted children of his own, too, wanted to have the whole birth-baby to adulthood experience. And she was taking a big no-thank-you helping of this idea. So he told her, please, just have the baby. I'll raise it, I promise. You can keep on building your career, you won't lose a step. And that's exactly what happened. She had twins and basically kept on going; he was the stay-at-home dad. Those girls are lovely grown women now, and I don't think anyone in that family regrets mom's unselfish choice. So before you slam Cary, just consider the possibility that there is a solution that would indeed work for everyone, that having this baby would not condemn this woman to indentured servitude for the next 20 years, and that if a man says he'll be the primary care giver, he can and will do just that.