Letters to the Editor
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Absurd
Sorry, I'm with Cary 95% of the time - but here he stumbles on his own manhood. Have the husband be the primary caregiver, raise the kid?? Ain't gonna happen - especially not in those earliest, mommy-centric days and years. The LW knows and understands this instinctively. Cary does not, and neither, presumably, does her husband or her male OB-GYN.
It amazes me how sensible, pragmatic people can turn to runny molasses whenever the topic turns to kids. A pregnancy, a child - these quickly become more than just the awe-inspiring "miracles" Cary cloudily invokes. A kid is not a symbol, a Russian doll you pop out and place on a shelf, dust once in a while waiting for it to produce its own mini-me. It is, most of all, let's be honest, back-breaking, never-ending, manual labor. Some of that labor, biologically speaking, can only be done by the mother; much of the rest will be expected to be shouldered by her. It's in our social DNA, if not our actual DNA. This is why even the most enlightened fathers still are thought of as "helping" the mom do "her" duties. The LW seems to have been traumatised by her parenting experiences, and is rightfully ambivalent about serving another sentence.
Why does her husband want a child? The LW mentioned he'd been hedging his bets. Could he be ambivalent as well? After all, he's made it to his forties without one. I think a probing discussion is in order here, to really clarify both parties' objectives and expectations in detail. Many men become fathers only to discover they prefer the idea of a child far more than the responsibility and upheaval of actually raising one, day in, day out. Could her husband be in la-la land, counting down his good-knees years and finally embracing romantic notions of "dad", "baby" and "family" that may have had limited appeal for him in the past?
And even if your husband did find a way to eke out some breast milk, consider this: would this child grow up to resent you as the distant "helper" mom? Would s/he wonder why mommy's always backpacking in Thailand or busy with law school when the other mommies are all backstage at the school play? Would s/he feel underloved?
LW, please remember this: parenting is a CHOICE. It is never an inevitability. It is a choice like any other you make for your own life and happiness. Nobody ever has a child for the child's sake - it is ALWAYS a selfish and very personal decision, even for those who allow social pressures to decide for them. Search your heart, choose happiness and do not doubt yourself. At the end of the day, regardless of all you may wish and hope for, you are your only guaranteed companion through this life. Be true to yourself. Good luck!