This phrase really bothered me:

"But a lot of people know about this, including my husband's ex-wife, who definitely doesn't treat Delores the same as her other, biological grandchildren."

Cary, I think you're right on. The LW seems to be seeking out reasons to differentiate Delores. Why should this child be treated different than the the other grandchildren? And why is this statement above given as a justification for the LW?

It may not be right, what the parents are doing, but it's not for anyone else to decide.

To wit. Henry Louis Gates is not of African descent. For all intents and purposes he is a 'black man' (generally thought to be of African descent). he was surprised to learn this, but it didn't really change anything.

Do you really think 'Chinese ancestor' means anything? Why? Is your family going to learn Mandarin, raise you children with Confucian filial piety, or perpetuate and subscribe to stereotypes about female docility and penis size? Of course not, your genes are not your culture.

For the life of me ('poly ethnic/multi-racial' woman), I can't figure out from your letter why any of this matters.

Genealogy fans need more hobbies. Understand the science and its limits before you buy into it and start getting all up in arms.

To rephrase your question. "I am surrounded by racists. What should I do about it?"

Is it me or is there something deeply odious about everyone involved in little this family drama (with the possible exception of Delores)? The evangelical daughter-in-law conspiring to perpetuate a fraud on her daughter, the son participating in the fraud and then going the extra mile to deny his own heritage, the stepmother butting into issues she probably has no business being involved in, the ex-wife who hates the adopted granddaughter. And where the blazes is the husband in all of this? I'd suggest family therapy but that would require a degree of honesty that may be beyond these people.

"Shep adopted the girl, and they even went as far as to list him as the father on the birth certificate. (Don't ask me how they managed this, I don't know.)"

Some friends of mine did this very thing when their child was about five; they went to vital statistics, the man said "I am ashamed that I did not claim my daughter when she was born," and had his name listed on the birth certificate. He wasn't the biological father. People lie.

As to the letter, I can't imagine why this matters.

My advice is to mind your own business.

Nowhere in your letter do you indicate that the couple involved have solicited your advice. You seem to assume to know what's best for their family, but your letter had no indication that you find the need to consult them.

Ask yourself honestly, what does it matter to you what they tell their child? Why do you think you have a say in their decision.

You mention that they no longer wlecome you in their home. Is this because of this one issue only, or is this the last time they are willing to tolerate your unwelcome interference in their private lives?

Get a clue here, appologize and try to fix this relationship.

Just based on the common thread of about a gajillion drama's which revolve around tragedies caused by "family secrets," does any good ever come from them? Ever?

People don't really seem to understand what these DNA tests mean, despite their widespread popularity. If the LW's husband took the kind of test that I think he did, which is based on the Y chormosome, it determined the provenance of his direct male line ancestry. We all have thousands of ancestors, the number doubling in each generation; it happens that *one* of those ancestors -- the one that happens to be at the end of a chain composed entirely of men -- was Chinese. The commentor who said that Henry Louis Gates did not have African ancestors is off base; rather if you follow Henry Louis Gates' male-line ancestry back far enough, it ends up in Europe (not surprising based on the amount of unacknowdged racial mixing that went on under slavery). But his mother probably had African ancestors, or his father's mother, or his father's father's mother, or ... you get the picture. It's just that those ancestors didn't contribute pass his Y chromosome down to him.

As for the familial drama, it all sounds very sordid, but I feel like there's stuff missing. It would be nice to know why LW's stepson and wife were so upset about the Chinese angle. It might be that they were racists. But it could be that any discussion of biological ancestry just touches a nerve based on their family situation and the lies they've told about it. The sad part is that, if I'm reading the chronology right, the granddaughter is now a young adult, and probably deserves to know a little something -- like why the woman she thinks is her biological grandmother treats her badly, for instance.

If you adopt a child, your name goes on the birth certificate as the child's mother or father, with no mention of the biological parents and no mention of the adoption. "Birth" certificates are rather inappropriately named, as they actually document a person's legal parents, who may or may not also be the person's birth parents.

I think what's telling here is that the writer can't help making a snarky aside about how the so-called "Evangelical Christians" are being big fat lying hypocrites. I assume this is because she has a problem with their brand of Christianity and/or the various large and small ways they doubtlessly fail to live up to their own professed ideals.

As for wanting to share the "news" about the Y chromosome and secret Chinese ancestry, I can understand that. I know genealogy buffs and while it's not a hobby I can get enthusiastic about I "get" the desire to share news like that. It is interesting. But it feels like the letter writer is using it as an excuse to shame Delores's parents into doing The Right Thing. It's disingenuous to say "but Delores wouldn't have the ancestry so why should it matter?" I think Cary is right; just let it go.

Letter Writer, you're right, for what it's worth, and my impression of Shep and his wife is not a good one, but I'd just rest on the satisfaction of being right and let this go.