I like Cary's advice. How can you not tell her? If her dad is going to be living as a woman, she's gonna know something is up. And she's gonna need lots of reassurance that her dad is still her dad -- although "parent" may be a better word to transition toward -- even though she is really a woman. I also suggest giving her the opportunity to talk with a therapist, or perhaps seeing a family systems counselor to help everyone through the transition. As long as mom stays supportive and parent formerly known as dad stays open to daughter's feelings and as loving as ever, daughter will get through it.

Jennifer Finney Boylan used to be James Finney Boylan. She wrote a book about her experience transitioning, including how she and her wife dealt with their 2 sons, who were around 8 at the time. Boylan is and English professor at Colby College and her wife is a social worker. The book is called She's Not There. I would recommend reading it (at least the later part where she talks about how they talked to the kids). You might also consider emailing her--their family seems to have dealt with the whole thing pretty well.

The only thing I would add to Cary's answer is that the best thing you can do for your daughter is for you and your husband to do your best to stay friends with each other.

Your marriage dissolved because your husband is a woman trapped in a man's body (which is nobody's fault) and you aren't the kind of person who can be married to a woman (which is nobody's fault). But your marriage must have been based on more than just that you're a woman and he was a man. There must be some underlying friendship that has nothing to do with sex or gender. Try to hold onto that, both of you. Obviously, sex change and marriage breakdown aside, it's not the same when you're not living in the same household and seeing each other every day. But when a question or problem or decision or funny story comes up and either of your find yourself thinking "You know, this is really the sort of thing I'd talk to my former spouse about," go ahead and do it. It will be easier for your daughter to understand that your father is still the same person, just a different gender, if you can maintain the parts of your friendship taht aren't gender-based.

I don't know if you are aware of it, but the two behaviors described (Trichotillomania, Onychophagia and/or Skin Picking) are symptomatic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Impulse Control Disorder. It sounds like your daughter is self injuring to relieve stress -- soothing a taxed nervous system. If left alone other self injurious habits like like cutting and eating disorders may develop.

Do not tell your daughter anything until you meet with a qualified mental health professional. She may be ill.

Learning one's father is a transsexual makes divorce seem like a walk in the park. Perhaps your ex would be willing to delay visiting with your daughter as a woman until she can be evaluated professionally and develops healthier coping skills (CBE -- cognitive behavior therapy and/or Habit Reversal Training are a standard part of treatment).

Certainly your ex-husband is well aware he is on a long journey and need not press his little girl into sharing every step along the way. If you live in a smaller community, you need to be ready for the issues that will arise outside the family as well. Counselling and medication may be a part of managing these stress related behaviors while she learns 'habit management'.

I don't really disagree with Cary's advice for this poor child, though it might be better for her to simply be adopted by other parents, or her grandparents.

How can this woman marry a man who is supposedly a woman trapped in a man's body (yeah, right) and NOT ACTUALLY NOTICE this prior to marrying him and producing a child (or was it vice-versa)?

And how can this man who is the father of a child decide to go ahead and pretend to be a woman when he has a child to raise? He should give up his selfish whims and play the part of a male father for this child he has brought into the world, at least until she is old enough to leave home. Then he can do what the hell he likes.

I don't know why other Salon readers pander to this nonsense.

Sick, sick, sick.

<<I don't know if you are aware of it, but the two behaviors described (Trichotillomania, Onychophagia and/or Skin Picking) are symptomatic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Impulse Control Disorder. It sounds like your daughter is self injuring to relieve stress -- soothing a taxed nervous system. If left alone other self injurious habits like like cutting and eating disorders may develop.>>

Yes, yes. Please. Cary's answer is beautiful. I largely agree with it. But PLEASE do not ignore your daugther's physical calls for some personal (you) and professional emotional reassurance and assistance. She might end up being totally fine. But exhibiting these physical symptoms of dealing with stress at the age of 8 is unusual. Some help learning to talk about the stressful stuff would likely be good for her. There's nothing wrong with having considered 'not telling her' but communication is a huge help, and it's learned, and (even assuming she still has no clue about Dad) she seems to be struggling. I think the commuication skills will be especially important since, as supportive as you are of your husband's journey, there's going to be the need to talk this through for your daughter. Please.

Ian

And the one thing that ruined their relationship was that his dad waited until my friend was grown to "change". My friend felt hurt betrayed and horribly lied to. Now that dad is straightforward they are rebuilding their relationship. But he still admits he has boundaries because he always wonders what else of huge import GPA dad is hiding. At 27 he admits he feels like he doesn't know his dad at all.

So to the letter writer who thinks the child benefits this way with secrecy-you are egregiously mistaken.

Cary is right. Its all in how you sell it. Especially to kids who are young enough to not know how stupid people can be with their misguided and ridiculous opinions. Sell it as an amazing revelation and journey into self discovery and that is exactly what it will be. What could be lovelier?

Best wishes