Letters to the Editor
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Misery
The advice given here is applicable to any situation or relationship that is poisioning one's life. At its core is the essential truth that each of us is responsaible for our own sense of satisfaction and happiness with life. It reaffirms the following prescription: Consider your options - thinking it through - understand the forseeable consequences - recognize that there may be unintended cosequences - make a decision - take ation, and accept responsibility for the outcome.
I encounter many people who hate their lives, and refuse to consider ways to change their situation in order to achieve satisfaction or happiness. Many blame the others in their lives for their state of despair. It takes courage to intitiate change.
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Anyone read Keillor the other week?
He touched on this topic. I would suggest reading his take.
Children are the ones who have difficulty acting selflessly and children are the ones who ask questions every sentence.
In the kindest way: Grow up and act like an adult. Your kids' wellbeing is more important than 'if you've withdrawn your heart, or if you could inject it somewhere.' You had your childhood, you walked through adolescence. Now it is time to realize that your happiness is secondary to your child's. I know that's difficult comprehend, and, sadly, most people are too selfish to do so - but it is the right thing to do.
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simple
the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than than for first timers, so it doesn't seem to be the cure-all that so many think it is.
keep in mind that once you have kids, you'll never be independently single again (unless you just abandon them). plus, you'll have to remain involved with your children's other parent at least until the kids are of age.
the point is that it's not about 'staying in a miserable marriage for the sake of the children,' it's about making the marriage work for the sake of the children -- and, more importantly, for the sake of yourself.
too many people get divorced because having a family -- any kind of relationship, really -- involves compromise, sacrifice and dedicated effort. it's not all about you. get used to it! this is especially true when children are very young, because they require the most of our time in those earliest years.
barring relationships where there's outright abuse, neglect, lack of respect, cheating, etc. -- if you're miserable, it's your own damn fault. you need to work on how to change that whether you're in a marriage or not, have children or not.
i'm still choking on the 'drama of the artist' bit. as if artists haven't had families, obligations, and responsibilities since the first cave drawings.
if you're really an artist, then work with the materials at hand. be resourceful, inspired, driven, giving. try to make something meaningful (perhaps even beautiful) out of what you have. perhaps it will still prove impossible, but i tend to doubt it.
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When you know a marriage is over
There is a simple test for knowing when a marriage is over. When one's life comes down to a single binary decision, "go or stay," and that question subsumes everything in your life, is ever-present in every choice, affects your enjoyment of each moment of the day, and that has been your condition for more than a year, then every intuitive fiber of your being says, it's time to go. What makes it hard is that there is no "right" decision, and there will be no voice from the clouds that will intone "it's ok, you've done everything you can do, and you are not being selfish or immature or foolish." What you cannot permit is that 20 years from now, your life still boils down every minute of every day to "stay or go?"
TonyJ
Your children? They do not need for you to model indecisiveness, a cold and unfriendly home, or most importantly, living a lie. They know, believe me, they know. Will it be hard on them? Absolutely, and so will staying and hating every minute of it, broadcasting that to your spouse and children (and friends, relatives, neighbors, and paper boy). If life keeps coming down to "stay or go," then go.
But do it calmly, without cheating, without waiting for some explosively dramatic event that makes the decision for you, without cheapening yourself and everyone else involved. Weakness is not giving up on a relationship that is counterproductive for all involved; weakness is living a lie in the home (because your relationship is not loving) and living a second lie outside the home (in which only your lover/mistress knows the truth). I know. I've been there, and it damages everyone, including your children.
Call things what they are. The marriage was a mistake. Give everyone at least some chance for happiness in a future paradigm. Go, not because our society has accepted divorce, not because your friends are supportive, certainly not because you have another relationship waiting (the worst possible reason), not because you hate yourself or hate your spouse or hate life (usually because you have let the situation fester to the point of gangrene), but because it is the right choice, because the alternative, trapped for your life in a limbo of uncertainty, indeciseness and unhappiness, is intolerable, and you know it. How do you know it? Again, because it is the choice that presents itself every moment of every day: "stay or go." So go. The future is unknown and may even seem dark. But a future with a potential for joy, for you, for your spouse in a new relationship, for your children without bickering and unhappy parents (do your best to avoid bickering as divorced parents), is better than the miasma of aching uncertainty every day.
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Make no mistake
If you choose to stay you will blame the children. If you choose divorce you will blame yourself and everytime they sob or sneeze you will be sure it was your fault .
Either way it will be a muddle. So figure out how to live with a muddle, cause that is life. There are no optimal solutions, just ones that offer less pain and suffering.