Letters to the Editor
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Puhhhh-lease!
Here's the other side of the story: After marrying me and taking on my children as stepchildren, my husband decided he just didn't like marriage too much after all and 'needed to live alone', so he has ditched us. You don't marry until it just doesn't suit you anymore. Marriage is not a commodity you can just return at the customer service desk.
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Chasing your tail...
So many people have hit on this: LW seems to think that he will blossom into the *arteeest* that he "knows" he is, if only he can get these people out of his hair.
LW: if you were all that, you'd be all that now. These "people" are not standing in your way; you are.
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Famiy Systems Therapy
I would strongly recommend that you find a counsellor versed in and committed to family systems therapy. This looks at multigenerational practices and how they permeate the whole family system. However, at the end of the day, each person can only be responsible for themselves; by changing your own behavior/attitudes you indirectly change the whole system (ideally for the better).
I was never one for therapy, but family systems therapy saved my marriage, allowed me to make peace with my parents and made me a better parent and person.
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The importance of planning
In marriage and child rearing, like so many other things, there is an element of prevention. If you have serious doubts about getting married, if you're not ready, the other person is not ready, you don't really like each other, you're just going along to please your family etc, it's easier to stop now than stop later. And then if you're married and things go wrong, it's easier to stop before you have children than after.
That's not to say that it's always possible to tell what will go sour, or when--but there are cases that are the equivalent of "low hanging" fruit--really obvious situations--sort of like saying not smoking will decrease your risk of lung cancer.
But then, in some cases, anticipated or not, things go wrong and it's too late for "prevention". So what's next? Well, as the comments will show, there will be much anecdotal evidence of people who got divorced and devastated their kids, people who stayed together and devastated their kids, people who toughed it out and saw things getting better, and people who divorced and had things get better. All these examples are instructive, but only to a point. Your particular situation will have things in common with the anecdotes, but many particulars will be different. That's why a close look at your particular situation is important. Have you or your spouse reached the point of irrational prejudice toward each other? (i.e. everything they do strikes you as horrible, but if someone else did it, it would not) That's a hard place to be in. At that point you either have to leave or find a way to clear your mind of the irrational prejudice. Are you unhappy without "true love"? Well, that's tough too, because there's no guarantee you could find "true love" with someone else even if you left your spouse. How invested are your children in the family structure? (And I do mean structure. Most people like having a certain type of routine, but most children really need some sort of routine) Are they aware of the issues between the parents? Would they be relieved to see one parent go, or devastated? And what's your relationship with the kids like? Do you feel like they are a drain on your time? Would you want to have custody? All things to consider in YOUR situation, whatever it is.
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Gender
I think it's strange that so many people have assumed that the LW is a female. Where is that coming from?
This sentence makes it pretty clear that the writer is male: "Can he pay nature's debt to his children's well-being, especially with a bunch of money to do it, or are they guaranteed to suffer and resent me -- um, him-- no matter what?" (My emphasis added.)
So why do so many posters assume LW is a woman?
As for his dilemma, it's way too vague to be interesting. Reminds me of Cary's "tortured artist week" or whatever it was called.
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Prepare for Regret Either Way
Between Cary's response and the additional comments of letter writers, I think there have been a lot of very thoughtful observations made about this difficult situation. I do want to add one more, which is that no matter what you choose, you may feel you made the wrong decision (at least some of the time). Many responders have contributed stories in which someone made their choice and regretted it, but there's no guarantee they would have felt happy even if they'd made the opposite choice.
We humans tend to focus on the negative aspects of our own experience and the positive aspects of a potential experience... I think we used to say "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I've caught myself doing this-- wishing my job were different and then getting frustrated about the negative aspects of that job I so desperately wanted. Silly me.
I would imagine that in a case like this, in which there are no great solutions, that problem would be even more extreme. So I would suggest that along with taking some time alone to think on this decision, the letter-writer prepare for regrets and a difficult road either way. As Cary said, sometimes we just have to jump, and have faith that we'll land somewhere we can live with.
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Money
There's a large steaming heap of bullshit in this letter, but... sift through it, and a theme emerges: money.
LW, if you think divorce will mean you suddenly have more money, you are either fooling yourself or planning to shaft your wife and kids and move to Mexico to dodge alimony and child support payments.
The time to decide you couldn't afford kids was before you had kids. You had them. They aren't going away just because you think you're an artist. If you really are an artist, you'll find a way to be an artist with the amount of money you have, the kids you have, and the responsibilities you have.