Letters to the Editor
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It is not the
man's goddam responsibility to insure financial security for a woman after he divorces her. What is the problem with being an adult and being responsible, accountable and liable for yourself and your decisions/actions. Simple answer: Get a divorce. Get it over with.
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Artistic soul
Say what? LW, you have kids now, you can't indulge in that kind of crap anymore. You need to bring the bacon, period. Once you have a kid, living in a filthy loft in Tortured Artist Street is right out. Once they're out of college, go live your Bohemian dream. Until then, I don't care what sort of soul crushing work you have to do, (*gasp* could it be cubicle work?!) you have children and they come first.
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Really, women should never be forced into doing anything
only men are required to be forced to do things, duties obligations, (that is why they are not women, but mere men, to pick up the pieces after the women are done playing) women should only always follow their bliss and do everything totally voluntarily and willfully.
Frankly, I do not know why women do not revert to the Earth mama 'whore' persona and just breed incessantly with scads of random men who waltz in and out of the women's lives while the kids are all of different fathers, scurrying around shoeless in the dirt in the yard. Oh, wait, this is what American society is becoming...
But seriously, if you can murder children before they are born, what is stopping you AFTER they are born. It would easily solve the small issue of the woman having to have responsibilities in her life rather than just following her muse. After all, it is a woman's body the kids came out of and the kids still reside in her house (an extension of her body) and God reserves the right to punish his creation AFTER it has been created. Using this QUITE VALID AND LOGICAL premise, you can see women should have the legal right to murder their kids up until the kids are out of the house and can get away from her.
I think this would also dispel the notion that women are weaker or wimpy.
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Explore what countless amazing things you CAN achieve WHILE being a father and provider at the same time.
If you think the only thing holding you back from being a full time artist is kids, you’re mistaken. Real artists do what they’re compelled to do regardless of any other factors in their life. They MUST make art. They don’t use family, money, spouse or anything else as an excuse. Be and artist and take care of your kids. They are not mutually exclusive.
As Cary said, whatever you do, you must take responsibility for it, which you aren’t doing now, you’re blaming your unhappiness on you kids and your wife. You’d probably be happier in the same situation if you just acknowledged accountability for your life.
But I do disagree about focusing on the fact that you’re alone in the world. That may be an interesting subject to study in Philosophy class, but in reality, there are Children very dependant on you: you are not alone, but charged with their well being and development. Those poor kids, how you think of them as obstacles to your happiness instead of a source of happiness.
I think what makes us afraid of making choices isn’t fear of the outcome, but fear of the finality of the choice; that we’ll have to live with that one route for the rest of our live. But that’s not true, we are always free to refine, change, alter—and life itself does that continuously. Nothing ever stays the same, life if always changing.
All that being said, one might assume I’d conclude with recommending staying in the marriage for the sake of the kids, but I don’t. I think it’s better for the kids to have full access to 2 separate happy parents than be in the middle of a minefield where they learn very unhealthy communication and coping techniques. Even if you divorce, you have to provide financially and emotionally for your kids; divorce does not relieve you of that responsibility. You have to decide if what you have is unhealthy for the kids to learn or if you just need to be realistic about that fantasy “what if” life you think you could have lived. Explore what countless amazing things you CAN achieve WHILE being a father and provider at the same time. Once you’ve exhausted that list, come back and talk to us again.
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3 years old
Two moments of horror cemented my decision to leave my wife and a marriage of toxic hatred and fury. My beautiful daughter came between us when we were screaming at each other one evening. She stepped in, arms out, tears streaming down her face, and cried, "No! No! No!" We stopped, I died a little. The other incident was more horrific. I was drying my daughter off after a bath and my (ex) wife was yelling and screaming and trying to enter the bathroom. My daughter was pushing against the door, trying to keep her out. The (ex) wife retreated to the bedroom. I brought my daughter, wrapped in towels, to the bedroom to put on her pajamas. My (ex) wife had them at the ready and insisted on dressing her. As my daughter lay on the bed, crying, she pleaded with her mother (my ex), to give her a hug and a kiss. My (ex) wife, screamed, "NO! Bad girls don't get kisses!" I have tears in my eyes as I type this. My daughter was three years old. Two days after the "bad girls don't get kisses" incident, I left and filed for divorce. Unlike the LW, I didn't seek validation for my decision. And I don't seek any now. Just know that in the end, you have to decide for your children. Every day that goes by, my daughter's radiant happiness is all the validation I need.
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Get out of there!
My parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids." So, lucky us, my sister and I got to grow up in a household full of negative energy-- passive agressive silence (at best) to screaming matches (at worst). Our mother in particular spent so much time and energy being angry about her bad marriage/poor choice of spouse that she didn't have much emotional energy left for us kids. (It took my sister and me years of anxiety, depression and therapy to figure all this out.)
Needless to say, I would advise the LW to get out of his marriage. Stay close with your children, let them know that you love them and hold them dear, but get the hell out of there. For their sake as well as your own.