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I can imagine this letter is going to strike a deep chord in a lot of people, it did in me. I was a child of divorced parents and the mother of two children who went through my divorce. I was a very young mother, 18 with my first child and 22 with the second. I stayed with their insane father for 8 years after my children were born. Eight miserable years full of hatred, violence and fear. A lot of the reason why I stayed was because I didn't want my children to go through what I went through when my parents divorced.
Then I took a lover. This guy asked me if I wanted my children to grow up thinking love was what they witnessed everyday between me and my husband. I never thought of it that way before. I stopped simply existing in my marriage and started thinking about love and what it meant to me. And one day, I left. Not for this guy--that had already ended--but for me.
I remember thinking a couple of years later that if I'd known what was going to happen to my children as a consequence of my leaving, I never would have left. They suffered horribly. My ex used them as pawns in an ever escalating war between him and me. I often wonder if I should have taken them away in the night and gone into hiding. But I wanted my kids to have two parents no matter that one was crazy.
My kids are in their 20's now. They are more or less stable but still suffer horrible scars from those years before they could control their own lives. So, the question is whether to stay or go. But I think LW needs to imagine what her family's world will be like with two separated parents. I blinded myself to the future so I could get out of a situation that was extremely bad for me. Maybe if I would have stayed a little longer I could have mitigated the damage? All those maybes...
When there are children involved, I think parents need to really consider how a divorce will impact them. How can they create a safe, stable environment for them? Can the parents work together to that end? It's not divorce that is bad, it's the aftermath. Many parents handle divorce sanely and respectfully.
Cary is so right on this one. LW: get to a quiet place, feed your soul. Think carefully about all the people in the puzzle and how they will fit together after the picture on the box has changed. If the LW can see a reasonable picture of the future with her and her ex working together for the benefit of their children then I think her answer will reveal itself. If not, then maybe she needs to give it some more time.
Randi
