Letters to the Editor
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What's your reasoning?
LW - I can think of two reasons to tell your daughter about your ex's abortions:
1- Because you want her to know that you understand how mistakes are made, you want to help her avoid the mistakes you made and you want her to know she can come to you if mistakes should occur.
2- You want to spill it to her before your ex does, thus making your ex look bad in her daughter's eyes for not being the one who told her and most likely pissing her off to no end.
If your reasoning is #1, Cary is right, it is not for you to tell her.
If your reasoning is #2, Cary is right, it is not for you to tell her. And you're an asshole.
Notice that either way, IT IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL. Like you said, it was not your feet in the stirrups. It was not your pain. Your daughter does not need to know that badly. You can show her you are understanding in other ways.
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Really, Hester?
I can understand it was not your feet in the stirrups. I can understand it is not your story to tell. I can understand it was not your decision to make.
You lost me on the "It was not your pain." Absolute bullshit.
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why's it gotta be mom?
My folks were big fans of "my friend in my 20's got herpes and..." or "my friend back in London did drugs and ..."
It helped that my parents really were very well travelled in their respective youths and there was no way to verify the plausibility of their cautionary tales. But I did learn later some of the stories belonged to my aunts, and some to my parents themselves. And although it lost the punch of "this happened to me!" because they were very concerned with their own appearances I see no reason the father's story would lose any impact in simply being told as "I was once with a woman who had an abortion and this is how she seemed to react and this is how I reacted."
But his question was not "should I help my daughter navigate these troubled years with my own life experiences" but rather "can I tell her this story about her mom?"
The answer to that question is simply NO. Maybe mom is out of the picture for reasons related to abandonment or abuse or who knows why a senior in high school ends up so uprooted. Must be a really rough year she's having. Perhaps a therapist would be wiser than burdening your daughter with such history. Because it WILL become a burden to her.
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ondelete
OK, "physical pain".
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Privacy issue
Suppose that you had been stopped twice for DUI violations while your wife was in the car. How would you feel if she told your daughter, without your permission, about your drunk driving record?
One of the basic tenants of a women's right to choose abortion is the idea that it's a private matter, between her and her doctor, and in this case her husband.
While secrets can be a destructive force in family dynamics, too much information can be equally damaging. The only way to ethically tell your daughter of your wife's abortions, would be if both you and your ex-wife agree to do so. Like Cary, I think it might do more harm than good, and don't see the neccessity, to begin with.
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Oh for the love of....
Revealing mom's abortions in the guise of a presumably mature discussion of sexuality and contraception. How noble...
I would no more discuss my ex's 2 abortions with my daughter than I would her mom's 2 arrests for shoplifting. What would be the point, except to metaphorically backhand mom for her sad history? Oh, and incidentally, guarantee a total screwing up of my daughter's head.
Jeez, can't anybody sense an ulterior motive anymore?
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Don't
LW, Don't tell your daughter about her mother's abortions. It's too bad she's no longer a lesbian. That would have saved you all kinds of worries.
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birth control
LW - If you're worried about the whole pregnancy issue, perhaps you should be discussing birth control with your daughter, not focusing on your ex's abortions.
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It sounds to me
Like the LW harbors some anger toward his ex, for whatever reason, and wants to expose her past "mistakes" under the guise of "honesty" with his daughter so she can make so-called informed sexual decisions.
His reasoning sounds like utter and complete bullshit. He wants to make the mother look bad, period, and his daughter's sexual activity is giving him an excuse.
He should keep his mouth shut. This is the mother's story to tell, IF she wants to tell it, and quite frankly, I fail to see how it's any of the daughter's business anyway.
We are under no obligation to reveal to our children (or anyone else) every single stupid mistake or dirty secret lurking in our backgrounds. It's called privacy, and it should be respected, no matter how many anger issues you're dealing with.
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If you do
You will live to regret it, and your daughter will live to regret you.
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We all have reasons . . .
. . . for brutal behavior. It is how we ever manage to live with ourselves. How often have you used the "For their own good" reason? How deep is your conscience encrusted already? Tell her, and your conscience will be thoroughly buried, never to sniff the air of truly unselfish motives.
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What a creepy letter!
The casual "She's swung from one single parent to the other, is sexually confused and sexually active, plus I feel like telling her my ex, her mother, had two abortions." Speaks volumes. I wish the poor girl the best in what seems to be a deplorable home life.
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The writer really doesn't respect his ex-wife
If the mother wants to discuss her two abortions with her daughter, she's the one to do so, not an obviously vindictive and vengeful father. It really sounds like the dad is trying to drive a wedge between mom and daughter, which is pretty sickening.
The abortions are not secrets, they're personal decisions which should stay just that - personal. It's also none of the daughter's business how many men (or women) mom slept with. But it sounds like dad is the type of person who'd be dying to spill that "secret" too.