Letters to the Editor
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Something to look at...
LW, I felt some of the same anxieties that you mention in my early 30s (I'm in my mid 40s now). I also had some 'lost years' and wondered about my parents getting cancer, which also runs in my family, or giving them grandchildren. What happened over time is that I was divorced, I learned I could not have children, and now I am the one with metastic cancer and they are caring for me.
I am learning, very slowly, painfully, but learning, to appreciate what is and not to anticipate future problems. Sure, it's always a good idea to work on your relationship with your father. Do it. Use prayer, or whatever spiritual discipline you have, to let you of your anxieties, and for heavens sake, stop mediating yourself with booze, I've also been there and done that!
But remember there is a great deal in life that you have absolutely control over, and enjoy the moments you do have with your parents. Tomorrow will reveal itself, for good or ill.
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Dear Letter Writer -
Late letter, and I've been pondering this since the beginning Thursday night. How do good journalists do it?
The following may be rude, and wrong, but I'll run it - Some years ago, visiting a friend and his family, I came into the living room full of them standing around and his mother was talking. It wasn't clear who she was talking to. Soon everyone, one at a time, slipped out, leaving her and me, her talking. She didn't seem to be talking to me. I mean, I didn't even know the woman. So I left.
This was, I admit, back in my drinking days. The story has been corroborated.
"I think, therefore I am," Decartes said, expressing a central pathology of the Western world. To many, ego is self; running your hard drive is self; monkey mind, as the Buddhists say, is self; rather than that experiential consciousness is self. Peter Ouspensky talked about the myth of continuous consciousness; that we think we're always awake and aware when we may in fact be lost in thought, or being motor mouths. Asleep, is what he calls it.
So, dear letter-writer, it's not clear how much you've been experiencing your dad, or your fella. From where I'm sitting, nothing matters till we let go of that which comes between us and what's important; till we're experiencing our experience. Meditation helps. Exercise too can bring one into the present, and therapy. I can't really tell about your drinking, but 12 Step programs also wake one up.
About medicine: When people say that one needs to changes one's electrochemistry, so take medicine, know that meditation, exercise, therapy, 12 Step meetings, and many other activities change one's electrochemistry. You may in fact need medicine, but there are things to do short of that.
My main question is about willingness: Do you really want to change? We keep the old mind spinning when we're afraid we'll disappear. Back to Descartes, that if thinking is existing, stopping thinking can, to many, mean ceasing to exist; if you don't yet know that full consciousness = existing. It can be very uncomfortable to patiently keep letting go of perpetual thinking. Our squirrel cage is after all an ego defense mechanism, and the world can look pretty raw at first without its protection; till one gets the hang of it; when things began to make sense; fall into place and make sense; when we intuitively come to know things that used to baffle us. See, the paradox is that the real thinking begins once we stop thinking.
Best,
Monty
(more, for free: google "Rabid Fanatic" +"Monty Johnston")
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Anxious
Dear Cary, I think your advice to this writer perfect. Right ON! It won't be easy but it is possible. I have only read a few of your columns but I think you are very very good at getting to the heart of an issue & addressing it appropriately.
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There are a lot of questions in life to answer, and gravitating to the ones you have no control over, asking life's question in terms of other people, that is an abdication of responsibility for living your day to day life to the fullest.
Anonymous--Thanks for your wise, and gracefully-put post. It's really sticking with me.
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This is nothing that hasn't been said already, dear daughter,
but you really need to be evaluated for OCD or an anxiety disorder.
Cary's advice was good, but your symptoms are severe. Get evaluated, by a psychiatrist if possible. You won't believe how much better you can feel with the help of the right medication. The right med at the right dosage doesn't necessarily make you feel happy. It makes you feel normal, which you definitely do not right now.
Good luck and best wishes.
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Exercise daily
If you're anxious one thing you can do is to get a thorough work-out every day. Do something that causes your heart rate to quicken and your body to sweat. Make sure you are active at least 45 minutes. Do this at least 5 days out of the week, preferably early in your day.
I guarantee you will be less anxious. Your body and mind will be less anxious because your metabolism will be higher and you will feel more relaxed even when dealing with stressful issues. Drink lots of water and eat healthy food (fibrous veggies are a must). Avoid sugary food, processed food, and minimize caffeine. Drink in moderation or not at all.
Yeah, I know this is a superficial answer to your question. But it will give you a baseline of health against which to deal with the deeper psychological, emotional questions. You simply cannot expect to be at your best and most rational when your body (which directly impacts your mind whether you sense it or not) is in a slump.
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Get moving, and get away from alcohol.
I am more and more coming to believe that much of what feels like free-floating anxiety really is a physical build-up of energy in the brain. I used to spend a lot of time pondering things like "what causes anxiety," but taking action to release this energy just plain feels better.
I think most of America needs to get out and just start doing stuff, physical stuff, even just strolling the neighborhood for an hour after dinner. Someone well-versed in science can probably explain the actual chemistry of exercise and mood.
And by the way, how lovely and bonding would it be if LW made a date to stroll with her dad once or twice a week?
Also, since Cary didn't want to say it, I will. LW, get yourself to AA or some other program that addresses running into the alleged refuge of alcohol. One thing I have never found: Alcohol and peace in the same person.