Letters to the Editor
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Been There Done That
In 2004 within a few months my mother died, I lost my job of 14 years, and my marriage dissolved. I went into deep grief and depression for about 2 years before I was able to find some resources that gave me tools to use for my healing and recovery. It doesn't have to take that long; that's just my "story". Here are 2 excellent resources that anyone can use to help stop "the noise" of negative emotions and feelings: (1)"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz is a small book with a big impact, at least for me. (2) www.thework.com is Byron Katie's website, and her most recent book is "A Thousand Names For Joy" ...Both these authors/teachers use powerful, but easily understood, techniques that demonstrate how we can all re-train our minds to enable us to let go of negative thoughts and emotions, replacing them with "the truth" and living joyously in the present moment.
Since discovering and using their information, I am happy to report that my life is now working beautifully, and I've regained control of my thoughts and feelings.
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I'm only 20, but I see a version myself in your letter.
Dear Daughter,
Your letter made my heart pound. The thing that struck me most about it was not what you wrote but the tone in which it was written. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with OCD. And, finally, things make sense. When I am in my most anxious and obsessive phases, I write— and think— like your letter: frenzied, chaotic, and jumpy. There are so many overwhelming things to think about, and I can't think about a single one of them. Everything is just too much.
I'm not saying that you have OCD or an anxiety disorder, but it is clear that you are overwhelmed. When I'm in the depths of that type of thought pattern, I can't think straight. Only time gets me out. Know that time will get you out. Have confidence that things will get better if you are patient. And being patient makes good things come quicker.
In the meantime, know that the way that you are seeing the world is valid and very real. But there are infinite realities, and everyone's is valid. Just because other people don't fret to the degree you do doesn't mean that fretting isn't reasonable. It is. Don't let anyone tell you that your fears are unreasonable, because they aren't. It's just that, when you're in a better state, you'll be able to think about them less. That is how it is for me: my worldviews change.
Good luck.
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Superb answer, other thoughts.
Totally agree that Cary’s response is superb, particularly his emphasis on anxiety as a way to avoid the feelings. I hope LW really looks at that sentence because I sense an odd quality of disconnect between her experiences and feelings.
This is very telling to me:
For the first time in my life, I have a good relationship with a man I really love. It's a lot of fun, and such a relief, and I think maybe not having relationship anxiety has cleared the way for some older and possibly greater anxieties.
A person can’t help but note, as she pinpoints herself, that having cleared up one source of anxiety she dives right into another. She’s creating issues where none exist (and I don't think this is intentional).
Secondly, while different people express themselves different ways, and not everyone puts their feelings perfectly in a letter, I find it really odd that though she “loves” the man in her life, and this is a “good relationship” and this is a new experience for her, the only comment she really has on it is “it’s a lot of fun” and "a relief" Hmmm. Usually, “it’s a lot of fun” is the way you describe a comfortable, but not particularly important attachment. Again, I may be reading too much into this, but I’d expect a more effusive description.
So I think Cary is really on target about anxiety blocking feelings. I even wonder if maybe she’s putting on her dad the anxiety she feels about the new relationship. Is this case—the first successful relationship she can remember—terminal? Does she fear that acknowledging the depths of her feelings might crush it?
I think LW needs to examine her emotions, but I also think she needs to do it with a therapist. “Shrink” is such a dismissive term that I’m not sure she really puts stock in psychiatrists. But why not just go to a licensed councilor, instead? The reason I suggest some kind of professional is that it won’t do much good to just switch from obsessing on anxieties to obsessing on “feelings.” And just as she creates anxieties, she might manufacture false emotional issues. A professional could help by having the right amount of distance to spot these things.
I hope nothing I've written reads as blame. We get into patterns of behavior, and it can be hard to let go. I hope things work out.
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First Stop Drinking, Then Find a Therapist
Because whether or not you should be drinking in the future, the reality is that the "nearly daily" drinking doesn't help your anxiety ONE little bit.
Dealing with anxiety by depressing one's central nervous system has a rebound affect that leads to .....more anxiety. And if your dad has dealt with anxiety by drinking, then HE isn't exactly the source of excellent role models, is he?
My FIL, whom I love dearly, has a basically negative POV of the world. I stll laugh at his comments after he first saw our recently completed, brand new house, "Well, it's a beautiful house, and if the economy doesn't go bad and you keep your jobs...." To him, that was just life: watch out for the worst!
So, if, in addition to dealing with anxiety by drinking, your dad's basic POV was that disaster was just around the corner, how could you NOT feel that way? DH has, slowly, with a lot of effort, started to realize just how frequently he, himself, says and thinks, like HIS dad, that disaster is just around the corner, and to make efforts to stop DOING that.
Because really? It's not. And even if it is, what good does it do to worry about it? You can neither hasten nor prevent the illness and death of those you love. All you can do is to enjoy the time that you have together. You have cancer in your family? Name ONE family that doesn't. I have mental illness in my family; two first degree relatives and many second and third degree ones with bipolar disorder. I would be willing to bet that there isn't a family tree in the world that one could shake without finding some cancer, some heart disease, some mental illness of one sort or another.
But when we spend our lives WORRYING about what is wrong, what can go wrong and what will go wrong, we lose out on the time that we could spend LIVING.