Letters to the Editor
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Anxiety = avoiding feelings
What great insight Cary, into MY life...regarding fathers and daughters -- I (age 57) took care of my elderly Dad for five years, and he has recently passed away at 97. I did not understand anxiety disorders until I lived with him as an adult. He had dementia, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD and OCD. As a kid, I always thought he was just uptight and a negative thinker. His marriage to my mother was not good - she had untreated mental health issues of her own.
As I became an adult and made my own mistakes (in the late 60's-70's, imagine that...) I know I suffered from depression, and probably still do to some degree. I also self medicated, especially during those years, and acted out in some very impulsive and irresponsible ways. I have always felt like a maverick, and in a conforming popular culture, it has been a challenge to develop healthy self esteem and find a positive niche and identity.
My Dad's geri-psychiatrist, a very kind young doc suggested to me about a year ago, that I talk to someone since as he put it, "these things tend to run in families." harumph!
I've had a spiritual path for about ten years, and an interest in self development for many years. I also attend Codependents Anonymous, based on AA principles, a wonderful resource. So I figured I had it together or I was high functioning anyhow. Lately I've not felt so sure.
I've been in the job market with its uncertainty and rejection, plus recovering from the stress of caregiving and losing my Dad, and I have had many feelings come up that are difficult to face. I'd really prefer being self-employed/semi-retired, but I feel pressured to work FT for medical insurance, cash flow etc. Of course I am worried about the future - seeing what I've seen concerning how the elderly are treated in this country is very sobering. It is a heavy load parsing out what is appropriate "worry" -- planning and preparation versus being taken over by the fear of growing old alone and poor in an un-caring system that is all about the money.
So I've stayed busy busy busy, and probably some people are impressed with how well I'm handling it all, on the outside anyway...
I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next week. I'm reading a couple of books that have been gathering dust, workbooks actually, on Dialectical Behavior Therapy DBT, and I am somewhat familiar with CBT and mindfulness conceptually. For me, I'm not into meds or extended talk therapy. And agree that exercise and medidation are "first string" solutions that we can do ourselves, if things are not too out of control.
Avoiding feelings? I think so. I was able to tell my Dad that I loved him, but he was not a 'talk about feelings' kind of guy. I think our family showed love through duty, through showing up and sticking around, which is not all bad in today's world. I showed up and hung in there the best I could. I was not the perfect caregiver - I was impatient and resentful at times, and it showed. I have some guilt around that, which I need to release. I have also been far from the perfect employee, and the prospect of stepping back into that universe is daunting and makes me confront some of this long standing buried "stuff".
Thanks Cary for the insight. "When the student is ready the teacher appears", synchronicity and all that...your response to the LW brought tears to my eyes, which is a good sign.
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Nervous bird
What a beautifully written response, Cary.
I join earlier posters in hoping LW will hold off on baby plans for now. In my own experience, I found that even manageable, low-level anxiety can become nearly crippling during pregnancy, for a myriad of chemical and emotional reasons.
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Medication
is probably in order for you, LW. You are worrying yourself in circles. About the mortality thing, yeah, most people aren't screaming about it. I do admit that when I hit 30, I started to think a lot more about my own mortality (as opposed to the mortality of others). There are times that if I think hard enough about it, I get a little freaked. But your *reaction* seems to be pretty out of bounds, though *thinking* about it, is not. I would definitely seek professional help, some medication and a course of therapeutic actions will be a lot of help to you.
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Some advice...
What a terrible way to live! There is a classic book by Dale Carnegie called "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living". I think it was written about 60 years ago, so the language sounds kind of old fashioned, but that really doesn't matter; it's filled with stories about real people whose lives were being ruined by constant worry and anxiety and what they did to get over it.
There are also two books by Norman Vincent Peale that may help you: "The Power of Positive Thinking" and "Positive Imaging". Peale was a minister, so his books have a religious slant but even if (like me) you're not religious, these books can be of great benefit. They teach you how to train your mind to envision and expect the best outcome from every situation. You have obviously developed a habit of doing the exact opposite! Although it takes time and effort, a bad habit can be broken and a new healthy habit can take its place.
If you are in the habit of consuming any caffeine, I advise you to cut down gradually over the next few weeks until you are off it altogether. Caffeine has no place in the lives of people prone to anxiety.
It's natural to reach for alcohol to try to calm anxiety since it's the only legal depressant out there. Drinking may calm you temporarily, but it doesn't get to the root of the problem and oftentimes just creates a whole new set of problems.
Lastly, do see a therapist! You're going through a really tough time and you have all kinds of unconscious issues (especially relating to your Dad) that you need to learn to understand. You don't need to try to do it by yourself.
Lots of people have overcome severe anxiety problems, and I'm sure if you dedicate yourself to it, you will too. Best wishes!