Letters to the Editor
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Correct, most other people are not waking up screaming
Your letter strikes me as a big shout out: Do other people feel the same way I do?
Um. Mostly no. Most of us are not waking up screaming and spending every waking moment thinking about disaster. That's not the way life is supposed to be. See a therapist, not as a last resort, but as a first resort. You may need meds; it's hard to take advice, even good advice, if your system is out of whack. You definitely need more help than anyone can offer you in an advice column. (Nevertheless, I'm going to offer you some advice!)
It's no wonder you're using alcohol to give yourself a break from the anxiety; you must be exhausted. However, alcohol's probably not the best solution. Meditation can help... training your mind to be still for a time. Another thing that can help is forcing yourself to visualize positive outcomes, the way you now visualize negative ones. Every time you catch yourself imagining a bad possibility ('My father's 60, he may have cancer...') force yourself to think through a good one. ('My father will really enjoy reading his favorite book to his grandchild.') Bad things are likely to happen, but good things are also likely to happen, and right now, your worldview is skewed to see only the bad.
Finally: your guy sounds like a sweetie. Please tell yourself that the fates are not going to crush you just because you finally got a little bit of happiness, as often as necessary until you begin to believe it. In fact, when one thing in life starts to get good, often its only the beginning of many things getting better.
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meditate (and other stuff)
I have anxiety. My mind rolls around and around the same, tired issues. I know what my issues are. I can't deal with them either. I worry. I distort my relationships because of my anxiety (oh, and a little depression, too). I self-medicate -- not with alcohol or drugs, but sometimes with exercise, sometimes with food, sometimes with whatever OCD-like thing I can dream up. I can relate.
And I have recently learned to meditate. It allows me to pull out of the late-night tailspin and be still, calm, and centered. After I meditate, I can think. I can breathe. I'm not tense. I'm not worried. I can be happy. I can see color. I can feel joy.
Try it. Guaranteed it will help you somehow, to some extent, at some time. I promise.
Oh, and before y'all pounce, I also do CBT and work really hard to be self-aware, positive, and to learn. No one thing will "cure" anything, but meditation has given me a new lease on life. And there's no long list of side effects.
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Hi anonymous meditator
What type of meditation do you do? Does it help you sleep? I have the darnest time winding down in order to sleep.
I know I need to get off the Net earlier . . .
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meditation
Try Mindfulness meditation, especially the methods of Jon Kabat-Zinn (popular with therapists and other helping professionals).
Anon 1, not 2.
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anxiety
You are in serious need of immediate therapy. If you are already in therapy find another therapist because this one isn't working for you.
I suspect you will need medication to slow your mind down enough to respond to other forms of treatment.
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Don't put off the talk
I am approaching my mid-sixties. Heart disease runs in my family. I've already outlived my dad by two years. Mortality presses in around me every day: the knowledge that my days are numbered is no longer an abstration.
I've lived a great life and, as Old Lodgeskins would say, it's a good day to die.
But the biggest regret I have is never having said, "I love you, Dad." Even with a wife and five kids I think my father died a lonely man.
My advice to the LW is this: the clock is ticking. It's really simple. Start with "I love you, Dad."
The rest will be easy.
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too much!
It does sound like medication and/or meditation is needed. (Mindfulness meditation as previous poster wrote really works, but you have to be willing to learn it and stick to it.) I couldn't even finish reading her letter, it made my stomach hurt. All these anxieties probably cannot be 'thought thru' in a logical way -- it's like putting out brushfires or lopping off hydra's heads instead of aiming for the root of the problem.
Hopefully she won't succumb to baby-craving before this is settled.
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anxiety
In my experience, there is NO emotion more disturbing, disruptive, and downright agonizing as anxiety. At it's worst, it is all-consuming, relentless, and crippling. Anxiety can result from all sort of problems and "issues" in one's life, but can be so crippling as to make dealing with such problems simply impossible, in those moments. I think that that the LW should talk to a doctor, and soon. I hate to advocate the "just pop a pill approach", but sometimes we all need a little leg-up before tackling the underlying issues. That leg-up can take many forms, but, please, don't be afraid of exploring the medical options. You are already self-medicating with a damaging substance (alcohol). There are much better alternatives out there. (Ativan hangovers are rare!)
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a good resource
You might want to try "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" (Bourne; New Harbinger Publications). It's a very pratical guide that helps you learn how to relax (through meditation), cope with panic and calm your thoughts. Its approach is holistic, and it doesn't push medication as the only solution. I used this book during a bad spell of anxiety, and it gave me the tools I needed to get through that horrible time. The techniques I learned from it also helped me stave off further bouts of anxiety. I used the book in conjunction with visits to a psychologist. I hope this helps.
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I agree
that you would greatly benefit from therapy and perhaps medication to stop that anxiety that is crippling you. Obsessing over 'what-ifs' robs one of life. You are even worrying about what if you have a child and that child end up distant from you? You are worrying about a situation with a presently non-existant person! So, maybe the big issue about which you need to work with a therapist is regarding control and releasing it. No one can control life obviously, but we can learn to enjoy and cherish what we have in the present and to deal with events as they happen. You have very good things in your life now and need to allow yourself to learn to enjoy them! And regarding the future: what if everything turns out to be good?
I read The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and found it to be comforting, maybe you would too.